The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
by j-cag
Summary: Thirteen teams of two race through thirteen legs inspired by twenty-one Marioverse mediums. After overcoming four dimensions, two timelines, and six galaxies, the first team to cross the finish line wins one million coins!
1. Episode 1, Part 1

_**Author's Notes**_: To new readers, welcome! To returning readers, welcome back! For those unfamiliar with this series, _The Amazing Race_ is a reality television competition where teams travel the world, following clues and completing challenges, to win a grand prize. In this fanfiction, that concept is merged with the _Mario_ franchise. The locations and tasks are inspired by various mediums throughout the franchise's history, while the competitors are characters from _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_, a title for the Nintendo GameCube. Understanding this story requires little working knowledge of _The Amazing Race_, _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_, _Mario_ games in general, or the three race installments preceding this one. Everything should be explained in enough detail for you to catch on quickly, but if not, please feel free to ask. Without further ado, please enjoy!

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 1: "A Dream Come True"  
Part 1 of 3**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Season 4 of _The Amazing Race_ opened with shots of gnarled tree branches, dreary blue and purple skies, and a motionless town of wood and brick and doom and gloom and the nagging feeling that something just was not right. Starkly contrasting this imagery were waves and crashes of patriotic music: brassy trumpets buoyed by clashing cymbals and soaring clarinet and violin runs.

Like something from a B-grade shaky camera horror movie, someone tore hectically through the forest. Breaking into a small clearing, the handheld camcorder's operator slowed to a walk and panned his surroundings. Vague splashes of violet light splattered the dark woodland.

"_This_ is Twilight Trail. The moon never sets and the sun never rises in this region of perpetual twilight."

The lens snapped around, revealing an orange Yoshi wearing an impish grin.

**MILES: Cohost**

"Creepy, isn't it?"

Suddenly the scene shot past his head, speeding through the dark void and arriving before a gloomy stone building reminiscent of a Gothic cathedral. A stoic-faced red Yoshi proceeded through the front gates and stood before the camera.

**BLAISE: Cohost**

"And this," he said, motioning to the property behind him, "is the Creepy Steeple. At one point in time, it was the stronghold of Doopliss and the resting place of the Ruby Star. Today it serves as the Start Line of a race around the world."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

An abrupt scene change took a camera airborne alongside a bus-sized carriage crafted from ebony wood. Unknown forces kept the vehicle hovering with a perfect trajectory, as if it was stationary and the world was in motion around it. Miles narrated by voiceover.

"A magical bus is now transporting the teams to the eastern edge of Twilight Trail."

With an unnaturally smooth descent, the craft landed in a wide clearing and opened its door. The Creepy Steeple's spire remained a distant beacon above the sea of leafless treetops.

"The teams are…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Tally and Deyn. College roommates now living and working in Poshley Heights."

Two female Toads disembarked and lightly jogged down a designated path. Both wore light pink shirts, deep pink jackets with white athletic stripes, and black track pants. _Race_-issued pink bandanas were wrapped around their right wrists, and their brown hair was secured in ponytails. Tally, whose hair was longer and darker, also wore an orange watch that matched the spots on her mushroom cap; Deyn mirrored the coordination in green.

Several scrapbook pictures of their younger selves, often posing with several other Toad girls, were shown.

_"We met our freshman year at Toad Town University," Tally said in a pre-_Race_ interview._

_ "We clicked immediately"—Deyn snapped her fingers—"and we've been BFFs ever since. We became so attached at the hip, now we even work across the street from each other!"_

_"We're basically soul sisters."_

Interspersed clips of their ordinary lives showed the two in business wear, conversing during their lunch break.

_"Deyn and I have worked together in various capacities as students and professionals," Tally explained. "Our familiarity with each other's work style will definitely work to our advantage."_

The pair strolled through a mall in designer clothes and chic hairstyles, several shopping bags hanging from their arms. Deyn stopped in front of a cosmetics boutique and pointed at the sign advertising a new sale.

_"We like looking pretty and indulging our girly sides, but that doesn't make us weak," Deyn asserted. "Look out world—this one's for the girls!"_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Dour and Darkly. Grandfather and grandson from Twilight Town and Rogueport."

Two Twilighters exited and walked down the trail at a brisk pace. Dour assisted his stooped gait with a durable black walking stick. He wore a dull red vest over a purple long-sleeved shirt and black pants. Darkly wore a red zipper hoodie over a gray long-sleeve and dark khaki pants. He'd tied his red _Race_ bandana over his hair like a hood, whereas Dour wore his around his neck.

Footage played of Dour speaking at a press conference.

_"I am the mayor of Twilight Town, and have been for many years."_

Various scenes were shown of Dour signing documents, presiding over meetings, and making public appearances.

_"My career has been a challenging, seemingly never-ending road. Retirement now finally shines at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't picture a better way to close this chapter of my life than going on an adventure with my grandson."_

Darkly stood silently in a dark alley. His glowing yellow eyes pierced through the darkness.

_"I grew up with lots of teen angst. I was never close to my family, much less my grandfather."_

Their joint pre-race clips involved teatime and a reading session inside Dour's dim house.

_"I don't think we're going to win," Darkly stated._

_ A tympani sounded. The camera zoomed in on him, as if doing a double take. Reality show contestants rarely entered a competition openly saying they would lose. Even Dour looked taken aback._

_ "We're…approaching the _Race _with a realistic mindset," Dour said diplomatically, "and the philosophy that we're never safe. Vigilance and corrective action are our tools to get by and…hopefully win."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Laki and Mai. Friends and train enthusiasts from Rogueport."

A green-shelled Lakitu and an orange-spotted Toad girl leapt out and jogged to the path. Laki looked unusual without his cloud, but his natural gait suggested he was comfortable moving on his own two feet. He wore thick black-rimmed goggles, a highlighter orange hoodie, and orange and green running shoes. Mai's ensemble consisted of a white shirt, a light orange jacket, and black athletic tights. Heart-shaped clips parted her bob cut away from her face. Both wore their orange _Race_-issued bandanas around their right biceps.

The Excess Express pulled into Rogueport Station. Both Laki and Mai swooned.

_"We met at Rogueport Station, where we bonded over…" Laki paused, eyes shifting as he searched for words. Mai snorted. "…common interests."_

_ "Trains."_

_ "Yeah."_

_ "I kid you not, we are _total_"—here Mai slammed her arms sideways for emphasis—"geeks when it comes to trains."_

_ "Unapologetically geeky geeks!"_

_ "I know the history and location of every major train station in the world, and Laki knows the specs for practically every train model ever made. Like, dude, is there not something wrong with that?"_

_ "Um, no?" Both burst into laughter._

They meandered through West Rogueport's park, making idle chitchat while drinking smoothies and carrying their textbooks.

_"We're still in school and we haven't traveled much, so almost everything about the _Race _will be new to us," Laki admitted. "But we have drive and determination in spades."_

The Excess Express left Rogueport Station. Both Laki and Mai swooned. Again.

_"We would completely dominate if this were _The Trainmazing Race_," Laki joked._

_ "Well, we plan to dominate anyway," Mai reminded._

_ "Right."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Grubba and Goldy. Rehabilitation partners at the Petalburg Rehabilitation Institution."

An orchid-shelled Clubba and a Gold Fuzzy disembarked. Grubba's outfit consisted of his signature black fedora and sunglasses and a black collared jacket over a gaudy, glittering golden vest and matching bowtie. His fiery orange hair was tied back in a defiant, messy ponytail. Goldy was naked, save for the yellow bandana somehow haphazardly wrapped around one of her spikes. Grubba had tied his over the trim-ribbon on the brim of his hat.

Grubba and Goldy sat next to each other in an anger management session. Both looked bored out of their minds as an argument exploded next to them off-screen.

_"I met this little yella ball o' crazy my first day at the PRI!" Grubba exclaimed. "Hit it off real nice! Turned a two-minute how-ya-do into a two-hour talk 'fore I even realized my new pardner was a little lady!" He guffawed loudly and slapped his knee like it was the most hilarious revelation in the world._

_ "Part-time job," Goldy clarified flatly. "Fuzzy Horde needs money to pay electric bills and get cable TV."_

_ "Yep, she came in that fine ol' sunny day and them nurses said, 'Oh Mister Grubba sir, meet yer newest patient—'"_

_"MEORK! LIES! YOU'RE the patient! I'M your therapy partner!"_

_ "Stress ball."_

_ "MEEEEEORK!"_

A black-and-white montage played of a young, ripped Grubba defeating other fighters with painful-looking moves.

_"Hoo-WEE! Back in the day, I mixed it up in the ring an' fought my way to the throne of martial arts! Weren't long 'til 'Hubba hubba, here comes Grubba' came outta every belle's lips anywhere I went! Darn tootin'!"_

More recent footage played of Grubba promoting the Glitz Pit and commentating a match.

_"I stayed in the biz by running' the Glitz Pit. Yessiree, that place wouldn't be where it is today if it weren't fer good ol' Grubba…"_

He manically charged through the rehab facility's garden, Goldy tucked under his armpit. She was screaming at him to put her down.

_"This is like another retirement home field trip to me," Goldy said. "I'm the chaperone for another deranged old man."_

_ "What in tarnation 'er you yammerin' 'bout, missy?"_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Dupree and Goom Goom. Bachelors and roommates, currently living in Mushroom City."

A blue Doogan and a Goomba paraded out and over to the path. Dupree was a 1970s disco disaster wearing a shiny white jacket with sleeve and chest tassels, a white shirt with a heavily faded tie-dye graphic, white pants, vintage gold-framed triangular shades, a lime green belt with a star-shaped buckle, and white shoes. His curly pink-purple afro bounced with every step. Goom Goom simply wore a white-trimmed green beanie. Both had the lime green _Race_ bandanas around their necks like ascots.

Their first clip involved a strategic planning session inside their shared apartment: who would play wingman first?

_"I was a stockroom worker on Keelhaul Key," Goom Goom said. "That's where I met Dupree."_

_ "Let me say I was not also zee stockroom worker," Dupree clarified in his French accent. "Blech."_

_ "We were in the same boat, so we ditched that forsaken island pretty quick for one main reason:"_

_ "No women," they said in unison._

Awkward music played as the duo hit the dance floor. Dupree badly butchered his disco moves, while Goom Goom simply hopped around. Neither had rhythm. Everyone else immediately vacated the vicinity and stared at them.

_"Eet ees 'ard, seeing _les filles _not know what zey meess by deflecting zee passionate lasers of love shot from our eyeballs," Dupree proclaimed wistfully. "But zey shall wetness our feats of masculeeneety and be wooed to swoon at our toenails!"_

_ "Exactly," Goom Goom agreed. "Everyone loves the alpha males. We're gonna win every single leg!"_

_ "We are so delightfully charmeeng, all zee womenfolk will come to our aid. Even zose on zee ozer teams, honh honh!"_

A montage followed their efforts picking up women in bars. Their attempts were pitiful at best.

_"When we win the _Race _and collect that prize money, all the girls will flock to us." Goom Goom grinned jovially. "Maybe some of the cute foreign babes we meet along the way will even follow us back home, heheh!"_

_ "Our plan is _magnifique_, no?" Dupree turned and motioned for a high-five. Goom Goom lifted an eyebrow. Remembering that Goombas have no arms, Dupree awkwardly lowered his hand._

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Plenn and Thriff. Brothers and shop owners from Rogueport and Keelhaul Key."

Two mustached, green-spotted Toad men disembarked. If not for Thriff's scruffier facial hair, tanner skin, tropically darkened mushroom cap, and more toned physique, the pair would have easily passed as identical twins. Both wore pale yellow shirts, green jacket vests, and multi-pocketed khaki pants. Their green _Race_-issued bandanas covered their right wrists.

An old photograph of the men standing proudly in front of their new Item Shop was shown.

_"Thriff and I opened the Toad Bros. Bazaar together," Plenn said._

Another photograph, this time of Thriff by his lonesome in front of a battered tent, was shown.

_"I went on the expedition to explore Keelhaul Key," Thriff said. "And now I own my own shop, the Keelhaul Key Galleria."_

Working side-by-side, the brothers took inventory in the Rogueport location's storeroom. Just like old times.

_"Being shopkeepers, we really understand dealing with money and interacting with people," Plenn claimed._

In a more casual shot on the Keelhaul Key beach, the brothers passed a flying disc to each other.

_"And being brothers who have gone into business together, we really understand each other on multiple levels," Thriff added._

Both cast their fishing lines from the Keelhaul Key dock.

_"We're two fellas who know how to do what we want and achieve our goals," Plenn said. "That can-do attitude will be our source of strength for sure."_

_ "Aye."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Garf and Gus. Twin brothers and Robbo bodyguards from Rogueport."

Two Craws leapt out and raced each other to the designated trail. Both wore off-white V-neck shirts, black pants, and gray wristbands. For differentiation, Garf's tattered jacket was white with dark green accents, whereas that of Gus was the reverse. Additionally, Garf wore the dark green _Race_ bandana around his neck, whereas Gus wore it on his head.

Iron clashed against iron as the two treated their spears like fencing foils. Spotting an opening, Gus full-body tackled Garf, sending them both to the ground. Both laughed, and Garf exacted his revenge with a noogie.

_"You wouldn't be able to tell that we're twins from our personalities," Garf said. "We're as different as night and day."_

_ "We're poorer than dirt," Gus said. "We've dealt with street fights and turf wars for most of our lives. You don't watch just anyone's back through all of that. We're super-tight, but that goes without saying."_

Ishnail emphatically jabbed at a poster detailing his newest plan: "Take Down Frankie." Trading dubious looks, Garf and Gus gulped.

_"Both of us are members of the Robbo Gang," Gus said. "If you've got a problem with our way of life, well, tough. …I don't know what to tell you. It's all we've ever known."_

Garf and Gus moved purposefully through Rogueport Square while keeping a lookout for members of the Pianta Syndicate.

_"I think our biggest advantage will be our street smarts," Garf predicted. "Every day in Rogueport is a fight for survival."_

_ "Yeah, dealing with the _Race _will be a cakewalk compared to some of the stuff we've done," Gus agreed. "We're already as real as it gets."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Swindell and Arfur. Best friends and entrepreneurs from Rogueport."

A blue bandit and an orange Doogan exited and jogged to the path. Swindell's outfit consisted of an ocean blue jacket, a blue robe, dark blue running shoes, and white gloves. Arfur wore a matching jacket as well as a white undershirt, blue shorts, navy blue shoes, and a brown wristwatch. His blond green hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Both had the blue _Race_-issued bandanas around their necks.

Arfur easily hoisted his friend onto a roof. A snickering Swindell dropped back into view seconds later with a coin in hand.

_"We met on the cold, hard streets of Rogueport," Arfur recalled._

_ "I tried to steal from him," Swindell said. "He didn't have anything."_

_ "Still don't," Arfur joked. "But yeah. Believe it or not, we struck an unlikely friendship from that first encounter."_

Flickering candlelight played witness as they toiled long into the night, crunching numbers and considering potential business scenarios.

_"We've lived on thievery and deception most of our lives," Arfur said._

_ "And dabbled in some…less than desirable practices," Swindell added vaguely._

_ "But we've resolved to turn over a new leaf and live honestly and honorably. It hasn't been easy, but we're getting there."_

Swindell bounded effortlessly across the rooftops, a silent ninja of the night. Surprisingly, though with considerably less grace, Arfur wasn't far behind.

_"I've never been a Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, and neither has he," Swindell said. "We can't promise we'll be saints on the _Race_."_

_"Far from it." Arfur laughed. "Within certain boundaries, we'll do everything we can to win."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Northa and Inngrid. Business comrades from Fahr Outpost."

Two pink Bob-omb Buddies hopped from the bus. They skipped joyously over to the path before resuming a normal jog. Both wore ultramarine jackets reminiscent of telogreikas and used their navy blue _Race_ bandanas as hair ties for their blonde, braided fuses. Northa wore a brown ushanka, whereas Inngrid wore a cobalt blue peaked cap.

The pair plodded through Fahr Outpost, cordially greeting their neighbors.

_"We are closest friends since children," Inngrid stated._

_ "_Da_, we grew together and established businesses next door," Northa said._

_ "My patrons buy from her shop. Her customers stay night in my inn."_

_ "It is very good mutual partnership."_

Northa hummed a song as she stirred a pot of stew on a stovetop. The moment Inngrid stepped foot near the kitchen, Northa quickly shooed her away.

_"We never traveled away from Fahr Outpost," Inngrid said. "This is first time leaving home and snow and cold, da. It excites us."_

_ "Customer service is key in travel," Northa stated. "Tourists are customers to entire world, but we must always show respect. Polite and patient is way to get others to do what you ask. But we can flutter eyelashes and sweet-talk to crack hard shells."_

_ "Da, da, that works."_

_ "We are very persuasive. We persuade people to drop what they do and help us."_

Inngrid exploded near her inn's fireplace, creating a roaring flame. She than joined Northa on the couch and resumed knitting.

_"Fahr Outpost has many men, few women. Men-domianted," Northa explained. "Ceiling of glass does not stop us. We know how to compete with men and take care of ourselves."_

_ "Body and mind strong, _da_," Inngrid asserted. "We are tough. We are here to win!"_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Eve and Podley. Formerly dating, from Twilight Town and Rogueport."

A middle-aged team—a female Twilighter and a male Bean—were the next to disembark. Eve's ensemble consisted of a lavender shirt, a purple jacket, and dark violet pants. She'd tied her purple _Race_ bandana around her head like a bonnet, letting her brown hair spill out the back in a curly ponytail. Podley wore circular blue-lens glasses, a white long-sleeve under a purple jacket vest, and dark green pants; his bandana cushioned the watch on his left wrist.

Muffled, dated footage of the couple as young adults—singing, dancing, and reciting lines—played under the first part of their pre-show interviews.

_"Once upon a time, Eve and I were romantically involved," Podley began._

_ "We shared the dream of becoming stars of the musical stage," Eve explained._

Her stage name appeared on a brightly lit sign: "Purehearted Eve." Playbills rained down.

_"I even managed to land a part in a Broadshroom play as the leading lady, but…" Uncomfortable pause. "Podley left me right after."_

_ "…I honestly feared I would only dim her bright future."_

Several headlines announced Eve's departure from the production. The sign dimmed.

_"Success was nothing without him. When I lost him, I…" Eve's voice hitched. Podley uncomfortably looked down. "…I lost my dreams as well."_

_ "Our relationship ended so abruptly. We hope this adventure together can offer us some closure."_

Clips of their separate present-day lives included Eve grocery shopping with her three little boys and Podley mixing drinks at his bar.

_"Musical theater is a very competitive, very demanding field," Eve asserted. "It's been years since we've been onstage, but that competitive fire still burns strongly within us."_

_ "We may not be the fastest or the strongest, but our age and background give us wisdom and years of life experience," Podley remarked. "Those assets will be invaluable when we're thrown into foreign situations on the _Race_."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Flo and Maude. Stay-at-home moms from Twilight Town."

Two Crows hopped out of the bus and scurried to the trail. Both wore violet wing warmers that matched their _Race_ bandanas, which were accessorized as housewife headbands. Polished silver name charms reading "Falconet" and "Merlin" adorned their respective necks.

On a split-screen depicting different households, Flo and Maude hustled to get their children ready for school.

_"Maude and I met at a support group called Crow Moms International," Flo recounted, "a social network for stay-at-home mothers like us."_

_ "Flo was our chapter's VP," Maude continued, "and she and all the other amazing ladies welcomed me with open wings. We've become inseparable friends since then. Everyone calls us the 'Wilma and Betty' because we're in each other's company so often."_

Flo and Maude flew through the skies, nearly undetectable in the dim moonlight.

_"We are the community's resident TAR superfans," Flo proclaimed. "We've studied so many seasons and incarnations of this game, so we feel like we know it really well. And now we get to put our knowledge to the test for real."_

_ "It's unbelievable, it's a dream come true," Maude added._

Perched on a tree branch, the pair conversed in an incomprehensible language. Subtitles appeared onscreen pertaining to their pre-show interview.

_"Caw caw caw caw? (Sub.: Can you understand this?)" Flo asked. "Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: No? Didn't think so. Other teams won't be able to, either.)"_

_ "Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Talking in Crow is our secret weapon.)" Maude explained. "Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: We call it the One-Way Mirror because we can listen in and gather information from the other teams, but they can't do the same to us. It's like those police interrogation rooms you see on TV.)"_

_ "It's a risky strategy," Maude conceded, "but sometimes you have to be willing to take risks."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Swob and Bobolink. On-and-off dating couple from Fahr Outpost."

A dark blue male Bob-omb and a pink Bob-omb Buddy stepped out and plodded to the designated path. Swob wore a plain raccoon fur ushanka and brown boots, whereas Bobolink styled an ocean blue Cossack hat and pink and white designer running shoes. The brown _Race_ bandanas took residence on Swob's left leg and Bobolink's golden braid fuse.

Clips of their everyday work showed Swob shoveling snow and Bobolink cutting fabrics and strutting on the catwalk.

_"I work in snow sanitation, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob exclaimed._

_ "I am acclaimed world-famous clothes designer and fashion model," Bobolink introduced herself in a pronounced Russian accent. "Very famous vith peers in St. Petersbomb. But zey understand not my relationship vith Swob." Swob's expression tensed. "Always ask vhy I not am datink good-looking Bomb-model. It is, how you say…point of contention."_

_ "Da. Very big point of contention, SHA-WHAM!"_

Bobolink threw a snowball. It smashed Swob in the face. He shouted his surrender, but she kept lobbing snowballs at him.

_"I spent lots and lots on engagement ring," Swob told the camera furtively. He sat alone in this interview clip. "But I, uh…fizzled out and didn't pop question. Stupidest mistake of my life, da. We broke up shortly after, got back together, she dumped me, got back together, she dumped me again, on and on and on. We need resolution."_

_ "It is tough, tinkink you love someone but havink second zoughts," Bobolink admitted. Similarly, this clip was of her by her lonesome. "How vell ve do on _Race _and how ve treat each other may determine if ve stay together or break up for good."_

The couple cuddled in front of a fireplace. Swob leaned over and whispered something. It was apparently inappropriate, as Bobolink visibly recoiled and screamed at him.

_"I am beauty and brains, he is brawn and…outside-of-box tinker," Bobolink explained. "Ve have vinnink tools, I have no doubts."_

_ "As long as we do not argue, we are unstoppable, SHA-BLAM!" Swob exclaimed._

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"And Drak and Crimson. Distant cousins and former commanders in different branches of the Shadow Army."

Bringing up the rear, a Dark Bones and a Red bones exited the carriage. The door closed behind them. Both skeletal beings had wrapped their gray _Race_ bandanas around their right wrists, but were otherwise unclothed.

The two stared each other down over an archaic chessboard in the Palace of Shadow's library.

_"I served as a defense officer guarding the Diamond Star with Madame Hooktail," Crimson said._

_"I collaborated with Master Gloomtail in direct defense of our queen…" Drak said. "Hence, I was the highest-ranking officer…" Crimson rolled her eyes._

On Drak's signal, a legion of Dry Bones dispersed throughout the Palace of Shadow…and began dusting. Crimson slapped her forehead.

_"Our past association with the Shadow Queen could paint us as a common enemy," Crimson speculated. "We are the underlings of whom most perceive as the most evil demon to grace this planet with her blessed presence. No one would want us to win. Thus, that sliver of our backgrounds will remain buried."_

_ "You just revealed it… Again…"_

_ "… Hush."_

Two piles of bones raced to reassemble themselves from a fallen state. Drak and Crimson finished at virtually the same time and immediately began arguing over who won.

_"We are both very intelligent and very strong Type A personalities," Crimson declared. "We are masters of strategy. We hate to lose. The other teams may as well surrender at the outset, for they stand no chance against us."_

_ "Victory is as good as ours…" Drak cackled._

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Jogging in a double-file line, the thirteen teams closed in on Creepy Steeple. Blaise narrated over the scene.

"Which team will put together the right combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork? Who has what it takes to overcome four dimensions, two timelines, and six galaxies to cross the Finish Line first and win _The Amazing Race_?"

With those questions in the air, Blaise turned back toward the building as the camera zoomed out…

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

The scene faded in to an overhead shot of Creepy Steeple's entrance hall. All thirteen teams stood in a slightly arcing line, the open front doors at their backs. Miles and Blaise stood before them, several yards away.

"Welcome, everyone, to _The Amazing Race_!" Miles exclaimed with outstretched hands.

The cast cheered enthusiastically, and those with hands applauded. Once they quieted down, Miles continued.

"In just a few moments, you'll embark on the ultimate adventure of your lives! Believe me when I say that you'll be doing things and going places you never would've imagined! Even in your wildest _dreams_!"

He paused a moment longer than necessary, as if allotting time to digest a joke's punch line. No one seemed to catch it, however.

"This race is divided into thirteen legs," Miles continued, "and, as you know, at the end of each leg is a pit stop. Nine of these are predetermined elimination points. If you check into one of those last, you _will_ be eliminated. Got it?" Nods and affirmative murmurs rippled through the ranks. "Good."

"We've introduced some game-changing twists in the past," Blaise spoke up. "You all remember the ever-popular Mismatch Rod, correct? It defined the essence of the Hazard. Starting now, however, the Hazard as you knew it is no more."

Everyone visibly reacted to this announcement with varying levels of surprise, relief, or disappointment.

"I suggest you listen closely," he continued, "because several new elements have been added in its stead. One will appear in the first leg: the Express Pass." Blaise showed the group a laminated yellow card with a red arrow. "Up to the end of the _tenth_ leg, a team can exchange an Express Pass for their next clue before or during any challenge."

"It's like a mini-Fast Forward. A mini-shortcut," Miles chimed in helpfully.

Naturally, everyone welcomed the chances at an extra advantage. Several racers nodded receptively during the explanation.

"Even better?" Miles grinned. "There are _three_ of them up for grabs throughout this leg. And it _is_ possible for a team to win more than one." Many faces lit up. "You'll be informed when an Express Pass is at stake, so race hard. Having an Express Pass could be the difference between staying in the _Race_ and being eliminated."

Partners exchanged eager looks. That kind of saving power in this unpredictable game would be invaluable.

"Speaking of eliminations… If you were paying attention," Blaise baited, "you might have noticed that there are not twelve, but _thirteen_ teams here. Earlier, we said there are _nine_ elimination pit stops. I will dispel any hopes for a 'Final Four Finale' right now. So. How will we make the numbers fit?"

Chills zipped down several spines as the implications set in.

"One pit stop might be double elimination. Or maybe one leg has an elimination checkpoint," Blaise said casually. "All I will guarantee is this: it could happen anywhere at any time. I guess you could say that second-to-last is officially unsafe until further notice."

Many teams exchanged troubled expressions and whispers over this new variable. While it wouldn't make the _Race_ fundamentally more difficult per se, the threat of an unexpected elimination certainly added more pressure. Challenges would need to be completed faster. Strategies would need to be adjusted. Decisions would need to be treated even more critically.

"Okay, time to shift gears!" Miles exclaimed. "The first team to cross the Finish Line will win _ONE __**MILLION**__ COINS_!"

Despite the troubling news they'd just received, the contestants erupted with enthusiastic cheers, applause, and whistles.

"Alrighty then, time to get this _Race_ going! We're kicking things off a lit-tle bit differently this time," Miles continued. "As in, with a challenge, right off the bat! If you'll take a look behind me…"

Multicolored lights filtering through the stained glass image of Doopliss bathed the rear half of the foyer in an otherworldly glow. A sudden disturbance rippled the air and, like a flipbook animation, the world's pages instantaneously added new elements to the scene. Seven stone shelves standing parallel to the hall's length were constructed in seconds, and one thousand little rotund origami pigs populated them in the blink of an eye.

"That is your first challenge," Miles confirmed. "Once we give you the word, you can run back to the luggage you brought with you—"

Outside, near the front gates, thirteen sets of backpacks were laid out in an arc, with a fanny pack and a yellow and black envelope on top of each pair.

"—and open your first clue. Your instructions for completing the challenge are there, so read carefully." Miles raised an arm. "Alright! The world is waiting!"

Falling into various crouching positions angled toward the open doors, the teams prepared to sprint.

"Good luck," Blaise said, lifting an arm as well.

"Travel safe." At the last second, Miles added, "Sweet dreams!"

Confusion registered on many faces.

"GO!" Miles and Blaise shouted, slamming their arms down.

Some, taken off-guard by the strange insertion, reacted late to the start signal. The staggered crowd dashed out the doors and over to the backpacks. Belongings weren't immediately across from their owners, so the racers collided in a chaotic matching puzzle before opening their first clues.

"'Find a pig whose color matches the Crystal Star of Creepy Steeple,'" Swindell read.

"'—and bring it to Doopliss' lair at the highest tower,'" Thriff read.

"'If yer correct, jump off the tower to enter Subcon.'" The post-editing background music screeched to a halt. Grubba voiced the question on everyone's minds. "What the f—"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Prerecorded footage played of Miles meandering across the rooftop of Creepy Steeple's tower, allowing him to elaborate. To begin, he broke the fourth wall.

"It's time we actually address the premise of this cast, right?"

Demonstration shots showed someone moving through the shelves, which the vast assortment of origami spanned like an advanced color wheel. Minute gradations separated adjacent figures, but the tinted moonlight from the stained glass windows obscured this detail.

"During Mario's quest to collect the seven Crystal Stars, he ventured to the Creepy Steeple and defeated Doopliss, who possessed the Ruby Star."

A resounding timpani strike—_BOOM!_—accentuated a camera shot on the star-shaped stone statue that bisected the fourth shelf. Ruby-colored paint oozed down its sides. Not blood.

**ROUTE INFO  
Find Ruby Star-Colored Pig**

"Teams have to find one of seventy ruby-colored pigs—"

Several shots highlighted said origami, interspersed among definitively non-ruby colors.

"—and bring it to Doopliss' sweet pad for verification."

Rapid shots flew past the outer corridors, up a staircase, across the inner balcony, and around and around the spiral stairwell to the tower's top. Doopliss himself, alumnus of _The Amazing Race 1_, waved to the camera from his green rocking chair. Miles stood beside him and held up a ruby-colored origami.

"Once they present a correct pig, they can jump off the side of the tower." Beat. "Sounds crazy, right? With the help of the Subcon fairies, Doopliss will enchant teams into Subcon while they're in midair."

"If it doesn't work, it's only a fall of a few stories!" Doopliss interjected. "Ker-_splat_! Yuk yuk yuk!"

Miles looked at him, then back at the camera. "Remember to edit that out."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: SUBCON**

Expository shots revealed various faces of a mystical world, including a grassland, a desert, and an ocean. Of particular note was a lifeless dimension with blackened landscapes and a sky the color of the blue screen of death.

"Technically everyone visits every night, so we've all been here before. You just might not recognize it in this form. Confusing, I know."

Rapid shots took a camera down a staggered series of clouds to a red door in the side of a hill. A flash transition moved the scene to the grassland, where a crowd of Shy Guys, Snifits, Ninjis, Hoopsters, Tweeters, and Subcon Fairies cheered and hollered.

"Once teams reach the welcoming committee—"

Various mob members posed and held out yellow and black _Race_ envelopes.

"—they will receive their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"'The first team to complete this challenge will win the first Express Pass—'" Mai's voice rose in excitement.

"'—while the last team will be punished!'" Deyn looked alarmed.

"'You have 256 coins for this leg of the race,'" Garf concluded.

Two powerful incentives sent the teams running back into the foyer, up the three shallow stairs, and into the origami library. Of the two, the vague threat was the greater motivator. At worst, the last team could fall victim to a cruel Start Line elimination. And no one wanted _that_.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Sub.:_ Oh stars, oh stars!)" Flo flapped her wings wildly. "(_Sub.:_ We can't be eliminated first, we just can't!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Sub.:_ Calm down, Flo, calm down!)" Maude urged. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Sub.:_ Of all times to forget a tidbit of gossip—)"

"I don't remember what color it was," Eve said breathlessly, eyeing the paper pigs with distinct revulsion.

"What's the difference between these, for that matter?" Podley scrutinized a line of green origami. "They all look identical."

"Do we just guess?" Goom Goom scanned the shelves with wide eyes. Dupree looked equally bewildered. "Man, I have no clue here!"

"It is red here," Inngrid moved an origami pig from one stained glass-tinted moonbeam to another, "purple here. What is true color?"

"You can submit only one answer at a time!" Blaise boomed in reminder. Due to the situation, few had caught this detail in the supplemental instructions. Several racers either dropped extra guesses to the floor or replaced them in random places on the shelves.

"Crystal Star colors, Crystal Star colors," Crimson chanted rapidly to herself.

_"Our possession of the first Express Pass was all but guaranteed. As dutiful servants of her Highness, it would have been an embarrassment for us not to be the first to solve a puzzle of the Crystal Stars," Crimson explained during a post-leg interview. Drak nodded in agreement. "Diamond, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Gold, Garnet, Crystal."_

Drak suddenly spoke up. "I have one…"

Crimson squinted at the pig in his hands. "Are you certain?"

"Discounting the light, it is an outcast from its surrounding brethren…"

"I see. Let us make haste, then. That Express Pass is ours!"

"Where is the tower, SHA-PHOOM!" Swob looked around frantically.

Most teams ran out the side doors, first guesses in hand. Northa, Inngrid, Eve, and Podley briefly dashed back outside through the front entrance to get their bearings.

Garf and Gus reached the room behind the entrance hall first. Three staircases led to three doors. Gus randomly selected the middle one and took the steps two at a time, Garf right behind him. Swinging the door open and charging through, Gus suddenly found nothing but air under his feet and scrambled wildly for purchase.

"CRUUU—_oof_!"

He crashed face-first onto a cushion. At some point the origami pig had flown out of his flailing hands. Dazed but otherwise unharmed, he looked around and realized he'd fallen into the very back of the foyer.

"You okay, bro?" Garf called down, alarmed. Gus cursed loudly, but replied in the affirmative. "Hurry back here!"

Several teams entering the room witnessed Garf descending the center stairs alone.

"The tower was on the left when we entered," Plenn reasoned quickly. He pointed at the staircase on their right. "This fella here."

The shop owners dashed up the stairs and hurried across the second-floor balcony overlooking the foyer, chased by Swindell and Arfur. Tally and Deyn, Laki and Mai, and Flo and Maude weren't far behind. Everyone hopped across a hole in the balcony big enough for two people to fall through without much thought.

Meanwhile, Grubba and Goldy ascended the left staircase and found themselves on a separate balcony.

"Aw, dagnabbit!" Grubba, upon seeing the dead end straight ahead, suddenly swerved back and nearly collided with his partner. "Wrong one!"

"MEEORK!" Goldy raged. "You idiot!"

Climbing the tower's spiral staircase, Plenn and Thriff fended off Swindell and Arfur's advances for the lead. The brothers jumped on the spring at the top and were flung to the roof. Breathing heavily from all the running and stair climbing, they jumped onto the nearby pit stop mat and showed Miles their origami pig. It was green—jade, to be precise.

"Incorrect," Miles told them. Behind him, Doopliss' television flashed a red "X" and emitted a buzzer.

"Arrgh," Thriff groaned and cast the wrong answer aside. The shop owners evacuated the mat, allowing the next team to step forward.

"Incorrect." Miles rejected Swindell and Arfur's cerulean pig.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Tally and Deyn's maroon pig.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Laki and Mai's tangerine pig.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Dupree and Goom goom's citrine pig.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Flo and Maude's forest green pig.

A two-way current had developed on the spiral staircase. Several teams noticed and took advantage of the time-saving hole in the balcony, which dropped them onto a cushion in a corner of the foyer, but a few overlooked it in their haste.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Swob and Bobolink's indigo pig.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Grubba and Goldy's gold pig.

"Thought this razzley-dazzley beaut looked familiar," Grubba hooted as they stepped aside. "Gold was my color!" Goldy made an exasperated noise.

The next team presented a ruby-colored pig.

"That…is correct!" Miles confirmed. Darkly smirked. Doopliss whistled lowly. "Congratulations Dour and Darkly, you've won the first Express Pass!"

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Impressive work, Darkly," Dour remarked with awe. Darkly coolly exchanged the origami model for the Express Pass and fist-pumped before storing it in the fanny pack. Drak and Crimson, who were next in line behind them, looked shocked beyond belief.

After a moment of uncertainty, the Twilians spotted their next stop: a section of the ledge marked with yellow and red _Race_ flags. Dour noticed Doopliss sitting nearby and frowned.

"Nice going finding the right pig, Slick! 'Oinkie oinkie!'" Doopliss chortled as the two approached him. Dour bristled angrily. "'Sup Mayor Dimwit? I suppose I can ring the bell for you two as you plummet into oblivion, yuk yuk yuk yuk!"

"Joy. I always knew I'd die young," Darkly deadpanned, oblivious to the heated sparks flying between his grandfather and the Duplighost.

"Correct." Miles accepted the Shadow Army officers' pig.

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

As he and Crimson approached the jump zone, Drak glowered at the backs of Dour and Darkly's heads. Crimson muttered something inaudible.

_"How the grand-relatives team picked a correct answer on their first try and outran us, I will never understand," Crimson said contemptuously. "That old man, Dour, is the slowest racer here. Had we been seconds faster, we would have entered the queue before them and won."_

_ "It was a fluke… A miracle of the most infinitesimal probability…" Drak insisted. "It was demoralizing…"_

"No safety equipment at all?" Darkly repeated disbelievingly.

"Just jump!" Doopliss snickered. "Prove that pigs can fly, and I'll get ya to Subcon!"

"I don't trust you," Dour growled.

"Well if you're too pig—oops, sorry, I meant _chicken_," Doopliss said in a cheerful I'm-clearly-anything-but-sorry voice, "to jump in the next minute, you'll have to scram to the back of the line!"

A camera shot peered over the ledge to the ground below. Production reassured Dour that Doopliss would follow through with the transport spell. In the background, Miles rejected the pigs of Northa and Inngrid, Garf and Gus, and Eve and Podley.

"We'll jump." Dour glared challengingly at his nemesis. "Darkly?"

"Yeah. I'm with you." Darkly stepped onto the ledge and helped his grandfather up. "Alright. One, two, three—!"

A low-angle ground shot captured Dour and Darkly's soundless plunge, two silhouettes against the off-white moon.

_DING-DONG-dong…_

The Creepy Steeple's bell rang its eerie cry, and the two vanished into thin air.

"Next?" Doopliss smirked at the two skeletons. "Don't fall apart on me, now!"

Drak and Crimson ignored his lame joke and jumped.

_DING-DONG-dong…_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_The Amazing Race: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
~ Opening Theme [HI-DEF] ~_

Front and center, the _The Amazing Race_ logo floated before the Mushroom World. The planet slowed its spinning, revealing itself as the _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ game disc. The entire scene flipped, displaying a two-dimensional side still of twenty-six people crouching, then dissolved as their three-dimensional counterparts ran forward. In the foreground appeared…

**13 TEAMS OF 2**

A Warp Pipe sprouted through the scene and spat a plane into the sky. Amidst a montage of breathtaking landmarks and sceneries, introductory clips jumped in at frequent intervals.

Two Craws hurled their spears past the camera.  
**GARF & GUS**  
The bodyguard twins gave each other a man-hug inside their hideout.

Two Toads sorted through merchandise.  
**PLENN & THRIFF**  
The store owner brothers rang up a cash register and flashed thumbs up.

A Bandit and a Doogan passed a baseball to each other.  
**SWINDELL & ARFUR**  
The entrepreneurial best friends stood back-to-back before Rogueport Harbor.

A Lakitu and a Toad jumped Double Dutch.  
**LAKI & MAI**  
The train enthusiasts made jazz hands at the Excess Express.

A Clubba and a Gold Fuzzy meandered through empty hallways.  
**GRUBBA & GOLDY**  
The rehabilitation mates charged toward the camera through grassy fields.

Two Twilians hiked through Twilight Trail.  
**DOUR & DARKLY**  
The grandfather and grandson creepily turned their heads toward the camera.

A Twilian and a Bean sang for a small pub.  
**EVE & PODLEY**  
The formerly dating couple walked out for a curtain call and bowed.

Two Crows swooped in toward the camera.  
**FLO & MAUDE**  
The stay-at-home moms alighted on a branch and struck a majestic pose.

A Doogan and a Goomba raised a toast.  
**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM**  
The bachelors posed grandly before a city skyline.

Two Toads walked through a business district.  
**TALLY & DEYN**  
The college roommates twirled and flashed their class rings.

Two Bob-omb Buddies snowshoed across a desolate tundra.  
**NORTHA & INNGRID**  
The business comrades stepped out from behind snowy likenesses of each other.

A Dark Bones and a Red Bones played high-speed chess with dark magic.  
**DRAK & CRIMSON**  
The distant cousins stomped in unison, their armies at attention behind them.

A Bob-omb and a Bob-omb Buddy kissed under light snowfall.  
**SWOB & BOBOLINK  
**The on-and-off dating couple cuddled in front of a fireplace.

Faster and faster the montage of places sped, ending with two moonlit figures jumping from Creepy Steeple. A planet-game disc hybrid reappeared, but in the foreground:

**THE AMAZING RACE  
PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Reestablishing shots flashed of various angles in Creepy Steeple. Many teams had abated their running pace to accommodate the exertion of trudging up so many stairs. Still, a very palpable cloud of urgency reigned.

"Incorrect," Miles repeated.

"Urghh, zis is impossible." Bobolink tossed the salmon pig away in frustration as she and Swob left the mat.

"Maybe this church has a library we can check for the answer, SHA-BOOM!" Swob suggested. He jogged doggedly down the staircase, his girlfriend lagging behind several paces.

"Zat vould be a vaste of time."

Origami pigs displaced from their original shelf positions magically traveled back. Many teams, too engrossed in the challenge, paid only a millisecond of attention to this unusual sight. Tally looked up as a moving paper figurine entered her peripheral vision. It hovered along the length of the shelf and snuggled back into its home. Tally's eyes lingered on the star-shaped statue it passed. Even despite the tinted moonlight, one could see an unnatural coat of red paint swamping the top three-fourths. Hints of the statue's normal gray peeked through in certain spots.

"Look at the statue, Deyn," she whispered. "Crystal Star."

Deyn noted the color and nodded vigorously. "Yeah, I see what you mean. Either modern art gone weird, or that _has_ to be a clue. How did we miss that?"

Eventually, teams began finding valid solutions by chance.

"Correct," Miles said.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Yes!" Arfur tossed the ruby pig to the rooftop's growing pile of deactivated origami. He and Swindell quickly shared a multistep secret handshake and headed over to the ledge.

"Correct."

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_ (_Sub.:_ Oh thank stars!)" Flo shouted dramatically, throwing her wings to the heavens.

"_Caw caw caw caw_ (_Sub.:_ Resisting the urge to fly is going to feel so strange.)" Maude commented as they hurried to the ledge.

"Incorrect."

"What? But it's _red_ just like theirs!" Gus protested. Miles shrugged apologetically, but said nothing more. Gus cried out in frustration.

"We must be missing something here," Garf surmised.

"No duh Garf," Gus snapped, taking the steps down two at a time.

"Correct."

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"My thighs are burning," Podley informed Miles. He gave his teammate a tired smile. "Splendid job."

Eve opened her mouth to reply, but stopped. Her expression blanked as she noticed Doopliss for the first time. An enraged sound tore from her throat before she hissed, "_You_…!"

"Me?" Doopliss pointed to himself amusedly, but his grin vanished as Eve suddenly advanced upon him, hand jabbing into his chest.

"You _monster_! My sons almost became _orphans_ because of _you_!"

"Hey, calm down crazy lady!" Doopliss shrank back. "Didn't get the memo? I'm a world-famous ac—"

"What _right_ do you have to leave children defenseless and tear families apart?! Where are your _morals_?!"

"Geez, it's a prank in the past now, get ov—"

"I can't believe you! _You're_ the disgusting _pig_, you thoughtless, good-for-nothing _scoundrel_! Why weren't you thrown in jail where you belong?!"

"Eve…" Podley looked astonished. Production staff intervened.

_"Seeing Doopliss…" Eve trailed off. She was shaking. Podley reached out and held her hand. She grabbed on tight. "Everything about his reign of terror came rushing back in an overwhelming flood of emotion. What he did was absolutely unforgiveable. For him to laugh it off as some childish _prank _of his?" She shook her head in righteous indignation. "I never envisioned starting this grand adventure in a bad mood, but dealing with him knocked me out of game mode."_

The bell's ominous toll provoked a shellshocked look of abject terror from Eve a moment before she and Podley disappeared.

A short chain of wrong answers ensued. Stumbling up to the mat, a team finally broke the streak.

"Correct."

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Urghhh. Zat was awful," Bobolink huffed tiredly, tossing the origami pig aside like a piece of garbage.

"Look on the bright side: now we get to jump back down, SHA-WHOOMP!" Swob said brightly, leading her to the ledge. "Bungee jumping without the bungee! Skydiving without the parach—"

"Ve have to do vhat now?" Bobolink shrieked in alarm, having forgotten about this part. "Do you know how far up ve are?!"

"Maybe seven to eight st—"

"Zat was rhetorical!" Bobolink snapped. She turned to the Duplighost. "Clashink bedsheet boy, how is it we are reachink zis Subcon without jumpink?"

Doopliss sneered. "Passing the wimpy loser's way means you take a two-hour penalty."

"Penalty on leg one would look super-bad, da!" Swob cut in, guiding her forward. "Don't be that girl! Now hurry, SHA-FOOM!"

Bobolink dug her heels in and glared at him. "You are knowink I hate heights!" She glanced at the view and shuddered. They were higher than most treetops. "Vhy are you not givink me time to compose myself?!"

Jubilant cheers came from nearby.

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Next we're jumping from this tower to reach Subcon," Tally recited.

"Oh man, this isn't going to be my cup of tea," Deyn remarked as they fell in behind the dating couple.

"One minute to jump, or to the back of the line you crybabies go," Doopliss informed them.

Beseechingly, Swob looked at his girlfriend. "Linka—"

"I am not ready yet!"

Behind them, Miles rejected a silver pig from Plenn and Thriff and a blood red pig from Garf and Gus. Over the course of sixty seconds, Swob made several more earnest entreaties, all of which were shot down with increasingly vehement refusals. Tally and Deyn observed the melodramatics in uncomfortable silence, and were relieved when they were permitted to pass. Swob sighed. With minimal fuss, the college roommates disappeared over the edge. Deyn's scream ended when the bell rang.

"Those girls did it, da. Why can't you do it, SHA-WHAM!"

"Are you comparink me to other women?" Bobolink challenged venomously. Swob gulped.

"N-No ma'am."

"Vhat I zought." Bobolink said conclusively. She took several deep breaths, which quickly escalated into hyperventilating again when she looked out beyond the tower. Doopliss discreetly made some whipcrack noises.

Swob's pleas acquired hints of frustration as a few teams appeared on the rooftop and submitted incorrect answers. They still had not jumped by the time the next team cleared the challenge.

"Correct."

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Hoooo-WEEEEE! Thank ya kindly!" Grubba created a spectacle as he hopped in line behind the Bob-ombs. "Time to play fer real now!"

"Linka, these two shouldn't pass us, SHA-POP!"

"Stop rushink me!" Bobolink snapped.

After several seconds of inaction on both sides, Goldy demanded, "Are you sphere-things going or not? If not, move aside! Don't hold us up just 'cause you're scaredycats!"

"Darn skippy, pard!" Grubba hollered. "Move it or move it, missy! We got ourselves a leg to win!"

Bobolink scowled at them, her entire demeanor suddenly changed. "I zink I am ready." She suddenly leapt off without a second thought. An unprepared Swob hastily bounded after her headfirst.

"Kookier 'n a kookaburra, that lassie," Grubba remarked over the Creepy Steeple bell. Goldy foresaw his next action and protested, but he picked her up anyway and quickly jumped.

"Correct."

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"We give you thanks," Northa said.

They walked speedily over to the drop zone. Inngrid's eyes lit up at the view. "Take moment and have look here."

Northa smiled. "I do not believe what we are doing."

"It blows mind, da?"

Inngrid's distraction enabled her to push aside her mild fear of heights. Northa offered some reassuring statements, and both jumped off with little fanfare.

"Bombs away!" Inngrid joked.

"Correct."

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Freakin' finally!" Gus exclaimed. "… Now for the hard part."

The twins approached the transfer with completely opposite frames of mind. Garf looked incredibly enthusiastic, Gus considerably less so.

_"I love heights," Garf said in a pre-_Race_ interview. "The adrenaline rush is incredible. I don't get to do extreme stunts every day, so it's one of the things I'm most excited for on the _Race_."_

_ "I hate heights." Gus folded his arms. "If there's a skydiving or bungee jumping or rappelling Roadblock, he's the one doing it." Garf clapped his hands giddily. "If I can avoid stuff like that, I will. But if we hit spots where it's unavoidable…"_

"You can do this," Garf said. "Everyone else made it through."

"How do we know they aren't just hiding the dead bodies?"

"_Gus_."

"What? I'm not allowed to—" Garf gave him a look. Gus sighed. "Okay, okay. Just give me a sec."

_"I have his permission to just push him off," Garf reported brightly. He made a shoving motion and snapped his fingers. "Just like that. And I'll do it, too."_

_ "I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?" Gus groaned._

Gus inhaled and exhaled deeply, then stepped onto the ledge and shut his eyes tight. Garf climbed on beside him. After several seconds, Gus peeked one eye open and glanced warily at Garf, who smirked back wryly.

"This is so messed up," Gus muttered. He closed his eyes even tighter in anticipation. "… Any day now, bro. I can't—WAAAH!"

Before following his brother, Garf shot the camera a quick thumbs up. He then leapt off in a swan dive. The bell swallowed up Gus' manly scream.

"Correct."

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"Woo!" Mai cheered. She high-fived Laki as they evacuated the mat, allowing the team they'd beaten in a footrace to step forward.

"Incorrect."

"Shoot, shoot, shoot." Goom Goom discarded the amethyst pig. "Are we last?"

Dupree reluctantly tore his eyes away from Mai's departing backside. "_Non_. Zee 'stache Toad men are still 'ere. We still 'ave a chance!"

The threat of elimination spurred the bachelors on like a second wind. Soreness momentarily forgotten, they retreated back down the spiral staircase and dropped back into the foyer, where they began searching with renewed vigor.

"Looks like we might be the last two," Thriff notified Plenn.

"Oooh, this isn't good." Plenn took two red figures and inspected them. "I'm still not sure what we're looking for."

"I saw zee leetle piggie in zee petite 'ands of zat beweetching mademoiselle," Dupree told Goom Goom.

"Well, we _have_ to find it before them," Goom Goom stressed. "We can_not_ be eliminated first, dude. We _can't_."

Less than twenty seconds later, Plenn and Thriff decided on an answer and tried to sneak out of the foyer. On self-imposed lookout duty, Goom Goom immediately noticed and raised the alarm.

"They're going, they're going! Pick one Dupree, hurry!"

Cover blown, the brothers dashed for the door. Dupree leaned in closer to inspect a spot on one of the shelves. Goom Goom continued freaking out.

"Honh honh, what 'ave we 'ere?" Peering over his sunglasses, Dupree thoughtfully picked up a pig and held it under two different lights.

"_Hurry_, Dupree!"

"I zink I 'ave it!"

"Okay! Run like you've never run before! Run like there's the cutest girl ever at the top of those stairs and they're about to steal her!"

"Zose fiends!"

All-out sprinting recklessly, the bachelors chased their targets and miraculously made up time once they had reached the balcony.

Hearing thundering footsteps, Thriff chanced a glance back. "They're right behind us!"

The store owners accelerated as they reached the entrance to the spiral stairs, Dupree and Goom Goom only steps behind. For the first flight of steps, the pack remained mostly stable. Changes quickly developed thereafter.

Despite Goom Goom's best efforts, he gradually fell behind. Dupree kept pace with Plenn, but Thriff – who was carrying his team's pig – began pulling away as they approached the top. Dupree tried to kick into a last-minute sprint, but his body had nothing left to give. He cried out in despair as Thriff, then Plenn took the spring to the rooftop.

Gasping for breath, the brothers stepped onto the mat. Thriff presented the pig.

"That…is incorrect," Miles replied.

Their faces fell. Instead of taking off, they waited to see the result of the other team's submission. Plenn weakly raised his arms.

As he arrived, Dupree noticed Plenn and Thriff were not moving toward the ledge. Once Goom Goom appeared, Dupree stepped forward and showed the host their pig.

"That…is correct," Miles replied. "You're still in the _Race_, guys."

** DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Suh-nap, that was waaaay too close," Goom Goom remarked breathlessly.

"Merely zee 'eroes snappeeng victoree from zee sure lips of defeat," Dupree reassured. "Eet makes for good television."

"I think I like the sound of us sweeping first from here to the end more. Acing everything is more fun than fighting for our lives."

Both displayed a moment of hesitation, but they hastily disappeared over the edge. The bell tolled, leaving only one team at Creepy Steeple.

"Nothing left to do but finish," Plenn said glumly.

"What was the difference between ours and theirs?" Thriff asked. "Looked exactly the same to my eyes."

"Got me."

Jogging at a reasonable recovery pace, the brothers descended back down to the entrance hall and again searched the shelves. A few minutes later, they reemerged on the rooftop. Doopliss had fallen beside Miles.

"Guess this is a bit late, but welcome to the Creepy Steeple," Doopliss told them.

Plenn and Thriff thanked him quietly and then turned their attention to Miles.

"I take it this is the right color?" Plenn asked hopefully. He presented a ruby-tinted origami pig.

"That…is correct," Miles confirmed.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in Last Place**

"Unfortunately, Plenn and Thriff, you are the last team to complete this challenge," Miles continued.

Recognizing this well-known lead-in, the Toad Brothers braced themselves for the worst.

"And I'm sorry to tell you…that you now have to deal with the _new_ Hazard penalty."

Plenn and Thriff stared at him a moment, processing what he had just said.

"Hear that? You're not last place-losers!" Doopliss exclaimed, somewhat jealously.

Wary relief covered their features as they realized they had not been eliminated. Plenn chuckled disbelievingly under his breath.

"This is how it works," Miles continued. "Whenever you check into a pit stop, you will officially be checked in one spot lower than you arrived. For example, if you arrive eleventh at the end of this leg, you would check in as team number twelve."

Immediately, both men identified the possible problem with this.

"However, assuming you survive, you still depart twelve hours from your original check-in time. So, this _only_ applies to your check-in position at a pit stop," Miles emphasized. He paused for a moment and then continued, "The only way to permanently remove this penalty is to come in first on a leg." Clapping his hands together, he concluded, "That's all you need to know in a nutshell. I don't need to hold you guys up longer, so go get 'em!"

"Thanks, fella." Plenn nodded. "We will!" Inspired with new energy, the brothers hurried over to the marked area.

_"We went from first team at the mat to almost first team eliminated," Thriff recapped in a post-leg interview. "'Twas a huge wakeup call. The tides turn fast in this game."_

_"Sitting in last place with that Hazard penalty, we already felt defeated," Plenn said. Seamless editing transitioned his voice clip to an interview some time during the leg. "We're two tired fellas. Our legs are sore 'cause we went up and down those stairs what feels like twenty or thirty times. Plus, my mind is on overdrive because there is so much ambiguity with this surprise elimination. We might have to stay ahead of two or three teams at all times just to stay alive."_

_ "Aye, that heaps on the pressure."_

"I'm not a big fan of heights," Plenn told the camera. He glanced over the ledge. Big mistake. "Oooh… Gee, that's a long way down."

"Plenn…" Concerned, Thriff placed a hand on his teammate's shoulder.

"But this is for my brother and a million coins," Plenn told himself resolutely.

_ "Giving up is not in our nature," he continued in the voiceover. "Life wouldn't be life without obstacles." _

_ "We may have gotten off to a bad start," Thriff's voice added, "but we have a shot to redeem ourselves, and we're taking it by the horns. It ain't over 'til it's over, and we're prepared to fight to the final bell."_

They made the plunge. Plenn's terrified yell was aborted as they suddenly vanished into thin air. The Creepy Steeple's bell ebbed away.

Silence.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**End of Part 1**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**Author's Notes**_ (June 1, 2013): Returning readers recognize that I am finally bringing the series up to speed with features of the real-life _TAR_. Huzzah! Three Express Passes may seem excessive (and unfair in terms of when they're offered), and the Hazard may seem harsh, but they do translate to interesting story developments later on.

Episode 1 is like a ninety-minute premiere. Even divided into three parts, it's rather lengthy. To that end, I'm experimenting with a different narrating and editing style to trim down content in the first few episodes before the cast has been whittled down. Don't be surprised if a team receives just one line to show them doing something. Everyone will get some time in the spotlight.

One problem I have with Season 3's Start Line challenge in retrospect is that acrophobia was hardly discussed. Such a ludicrous task should have provoked some vocal dissent. But there was none. In this cast, certain characters have more problems with heights than others, and this is not the last time they will have to deal with them.

I haven't written very far ahead, and I'm an extremely slow writer. Updates might be posted on a biweekly schedule until stated otherwise. Maybe. Cross your fingers.

Thank you for reading!


	2. Episode 1, Part 2

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 1: "A Dream Come True"  
Part 2 of 3**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SUBCON**

Establishing shots presented a flawless, sprawling grassland bordered by trees. Generating lots and lots of excited noise, a welcoming committee of Shy Guys, Snifits, Ninjis, Hoopsters, Tweeters, and Subcon Fairies did the wave as the camera backtracked past them, through an ornate red door marked by a _Race_ flag, and up a broken staircase of clouds.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson  
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

Separated by seconds, the two teams materialized in midair near another red door and fell a short distance to the first cloud. Dour's expression rapidly shifted from horror to surprise to awe. Drak and Crimson spotted a floating _Race_ arrow and wasted no time descending the cloud staircase; Dour and Darkly pursued them.

"This feels like a dream," Dour remarked. He prodded the clouds underfoot with his walking stick. "Fascinating."

"Where exactly are we?" Darkly wondered.

At the bottom, Crimson landed cleanly on the hillside with the marked door. Drak, however, overshot it and alighted on another small hill. Without warning, the ground under his boots shot up like a jack-in-the-box, scattering his bones.

"Uh." Darkly glanced at the osseous rain and, hand on the doorknob, sidestepped a humerus. Dour was pelted by a femur. "Is he okay?"

"Drak, cease this nonsense!" Crimson ordered.

"A curse shall befall you if you dare tell me to 'pull myself together'…" Drak's voice growled as his bones congregated back near Crimson.

Unperturbed by the strange scene, Darkly opened the door. Rowdy cheers and applause filtered through to their side. Stepping beyond the ingress, the Twilians found their world flooded with color and sound and _life_. A clue envelope crowd surfed over to them.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Darkly opened it and projected his voice to be heard over the crowd. " 'Welcome to the land of dreams.' "

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

" 'Make your way to the Twin Rivers and cross them to receive your next clue,' " Crimson read.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid shots traversed the grassy, rolling hills to two rivers running closely parallel to each other, the first with three long stationary log bridges spanning its width, the second with much smaller log segments being swept downstream by its current. A dinosaur wearing a red bow waited on the far side.

Miles narrated by voiceover, "Teams must now complete their rites of passage into Subcon by using logs to cross these two rivers."

**ROUTE INFO  
Cross Rivers**

Nimble Ninjis effortlessly demonstrated the challenge by navigating the logs in record time.

"Once both team members do so—"

With a curtsy, the Birdo presented a yellow and black _Race_ envelope.

"—they will receive their next clue." Beat. "If, at any time, someone falls into the river, well…"

One of the Ninjis casually slipped off a log. He unconvincingly yelled for help and waved to his troupe before disappearing over the falls.

"…it's a dream, so technically it's not like they die…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"This is 'the land of dreams?'" Darkly looked around. Bright sunshine from some unseen source washed over the vibrant grasslands. "Pinch me and wake me up. Right now. It's too bright and happy here."

Dour called out, "Twin Rivers?" Numerous residents answered in a jumbled chorus that pointed the teams eastward to some raised hills. The quartet began their journey by pushing through the tightly packed mob.

"How dare these blustering fools plagiarize our sacred defense tactics," Crimson muttered.

Eventually they broke free of the crowd. The former Shadow Army officers quickly outpaced Dour and arrived first at their destination. Dynamic shots highlighted the narrowness of the bridges and the swiftness of the current.

"Styx and Acheron look different…" Drak said grimly.

Production outfitted the racers with waterproof recording equipment and transported their bags, which had entered Subcon with them, to the far side of the second river. Drak, Crimson, and Darkly made the first attempts. All three held their arms out for balance as they inched out onto the narrow log bridges.

Darkly revised his technique soon after starting; instead of placing one foot in front of the other, he shuffled forward, keeping his left foot in the lead. He caught up to and passed both Drak and Crimson, who were taking a more cautious approach. At the halfway point, Darkly curiously glanced past their bridges to the waterfall's edge before continuing.

"Good job, Darkly!" Dour called out. He divided his attention between his grandson's progress and the grasslands entrance, anticipating the arrival of more teams. "Show your grandfather how it's done!"

"Feels almost like it's swaying now that I'm in the middle," Darkly muttered.

A sudden misstep sent Crimson flailing into the water with a splash. Panicking, she tried to fight the current and swim for land, to no avail. She disappeared over the edge seconds later. A rainbow appeared as the waterfalls claimed their first victim.

"…" Drak stared in open-mouthed shock. Unintentionally pitching to one side, he wheeled his arms to keep his balance, not wanting to meet the same fate.

"What a way to Game Over," Darkly remarked.

"Oh, badness. That'll be me when I go," Dour told the camera. "So much for retirement."

"Cease your drivel and go."

Startled, Dour shuffled around and found Crimson standing behind him, safe and sound and without a drop of water on her. She shooed him on impatiently.

"But how did—"

"I do not know and it is none of my concern," Crimson cut him off. She simply assumed the same magic that enabled them to manifest in this place was also at work in this challenge and did not question it further. "Go, unless you desire to forfeit your place in line."

Dour nervously took her log and used his walking stick like a tightrope walker's pole. Darkly finished crossing, allowing Crimson to retry.

"Good thing I'm not afraid of drowning," Darkly deadpanned. He backed away from the second riverbank.

Log segments frequently drifted by, seemingly confined to two invisible lanes spanning the river's width. The distance between the riverbanks and the logs, as well as between the logs themselves, would force racers to jump several times to reach the other side.

Darkly exhaled deeply and then got off to a running start. He landed on a log segment and steadied himself. Mindful of the waterfall he was approaching, he gauged the distance to the next log and jumped. Unfortunately he flubbed his push-off and landed in the water. Before he could swim for shore, he disappeared over the falls. Another rainbow appeared for victim number two.

He reappeared in the queue for the first river, looking confused. One second he was falling into oblivion, the next he was back on dry land. Literally.

"What. Did I just die?" Darkly whipped around and addressed the nearest production member. "How many lives do I have?"

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"This place is so bizarre!" Swindell laughed.

They slapped high fives with various crowd members as they waded through. A brief jog brought them to the first river, where Swindell's eyes lit up.

"We can do this, no sweat," he stated encouragingly.

Swindell went first and all but sprinted across the log bridge, not once losing his balance. Arfur followed him, charging across without issue.

"Attaboy," Swindell said. "Now, this looks like the tricky part."

They observed the frontrunners for a moment. Dour's hesitance caused him to simply plop into the river. Crimson slipped off the log as she landed. Swindell and Arfur moved slightly upstream from where the others had made their attempts.

"Seems like a case of don't think, just do," Arfur remarked. Swindell nodded.

"I'll go first." Swindell nimbly jumped to one log, to another, then to the opposite riverbank. He called back to his partner, "Just a matter of timing! You got it!"

Arfur tried to mimic Swindell's form again, but rushed his tempo due to nerves. He pushed off the second log with insufficient force and fell short of the riverbank. After several seconds of panic and wet thrashing and a split-second fall, he abruptly found his feet planted firmly back on dry land. Though startled, he took it all in stride.

"So close." Arfur patiently waited for a log bridge to open up. "But that means I can do it. It's in my power. That's a good sign."

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Bless my feathers! There're so many people here!)" Maude crowed.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Feel like a movie star yet?)" Flo asked.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Nope, but I do feel like a reality TV star!)" Maude laughed.

Tweeters among the crowd cheered especially loudly for their avian guests. After reading the clue, the Crows cantered urgently across the hills and reached the rivers in good time.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: This looks right up our alley. Raptor domination time!)" Flo exclaimed, pleased.

Arfur was on his third attempt when the moms arrived. They trotted across a bridge effortlessly, the wooden width more than sufficient for their talons. They handled the floating log segments with the same unflappable ease, making it look as natural as preparing for flight. Swindell seemed impressed.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The birds quickly celebrated and accepted the clue envelope from the Birdo. Maude opened it and pulled out a red folder.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: 'Roadblock!')" she announced.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"A Roadblock is a task that only one racer may perform," Miles explained as he hiked toward the camera, "and no racer may do more than eight Roadblocks over the course of the entire _Race_. In this Roadblock, teams will get up close and personal with fruits found dangling in midair everywhere in Subcon—"

He stopped and spread his arms. The camera panned out, revealing a field full of floating—

"—cherries."

**ROADBLOCK  
Pick, Peck, and Play**

Demonstration shots provided a visual of the task's requirements. A Subcon Fairy hovered erratically through a field, putting Cherries in a basket.

"First they will need to collect thirty cherries and bring them back to this place—"

A red dome proudly displayed its name in big white letters.

"—Cherrymaster Casino. They will then trade their harvest for access into the casino's infamous cherry buffet."

Mellow overhead lighting showcased several lavish buffet setups covered with everything from pies and pastries to salads and meaty entrées. Every single item featured cherries as a prominent, if not the main, ingredient. A Shy Guy was stuffing his face with pie, paying no mind to the delightful mess he was making on the white tablecloth.

"Without using their hands, they must search the food for special tokens hidden at the bottom of the serving containers—"

Upon finding one, the Shy Guy dashed out of the dining area and over to the Bonus Chance slot machines.

"—which they must use to score a three-in-a-row of cherries at the slots."

Bells and whistles sounded. The Shy Guy stepped aside, revealing three onscreen cherries and a clue envelope in the output tray.

"Once they win big, they'll get their next clue. If, however, they somehow fail the odds stacked ridiculously in their favor, they'll have to return to the buffet to get another token and try again. Not that that's a bad thing. It's a delicious buffet."

Right on cue, the Shy Guy screamed "PIE!" and ran back toward the dessert tables.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: I'm feeling peckish, I'll do it.)" Flo decided. As she read the details, her eyes grew wider and wider.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: You can do it, Falconet!)" Maude said encouragingly.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: My, it's a doozy! For starters, we're going there!)" Flo indicated the distant Cherrymaster Casino, a deep red synthetic behemoth that looked out of place in the surrounding grassy wilderness. Its exterior fountains jetted dazzling arcs of water high into the air.

The moms retrieved their bags from production and scurried to the building.

**CHERRYMASTER CASINO**

Wooden bushel baskets waited in a stack near the revolving entry doors. With some difficulty, Flo yanked one out and devised a method to drag it behind her. Maude's words of encouragement saw her off. She wandered in a random direction and soon encountered her first bunch of cherries.

"Cherries don't grow in midair in real life," Flo told the camera. She held the Roadblock information in one foot and picked with the other. "I don't want our children getting the wrong idea," she elaborated. "Okay, that's two. One-fifteenth of the way there."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"My, this reminds me of the audience on opening night!" Eve sought Podley's hand and squeezed it. He hesitantly smiled back at her. They read the Route Info and then moved eastward.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Yeah, Arfur!" Swindell cheered when his partner successfully joined him. "Good job, buddy!"

"Thanks." Arfur took the clue from the Birdo and opened it. "Roadblock. 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " He and Swindell exchanged looks. "I like cherries, I guess."

"Knock it out," Swindell said.

**EVE & PODLEY: Formerly Dating**

The once-aspiring actors arrived at the rivers, where production got them suited up. Eve noticed something rather important was missing.

"Are we crossing these rapids without any safety equipment?" Eve asked. Someone replied in the affirmative. "Oh, goodness gracious."

"Seriously?" Podley squeezed Eve's shoulders. "What happens if we fall off?"

"You respawn here like nothing happened."

Eve shrieked in surprise and whirled around to face Darkly, who had not been there two seconds ago. "Where did you come from?"

"I fell."

"You fell," Eve and Podley repeated.

"Yeah." Darkly shrugged. "It's…not that bad. You feel like your stomach will come flying out your mouth for like, half a second. Then you pop up here with no idea how it happened. It's strange. By the way, you two can go."

"Ah, Eve. Good to see you made it."

Eve brightened at the familiar face. "Mayor Dour! Likewise. You are unharmed?"

"My confidence is taking a beating, but I am fine otherwise," Dour replied. "This is a difficult task for a man past his prime like me." Darkly looked somewhat unsettled at that admission.

"We can all get through this," Podley reassured. "Old folks for the win!"

He and Eve carefully shuffled onto the log bridges for their first attempts. Darkly shot a contemplative glance back at his grandfather before occupying the last bridge.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**ARFUR: 8/30 Cherries**

"Whatever makes these things grow out in the middle of nowhere, they need to apply it in the waking world and fix world hunger," Arfur remarked as he jogged. He reached another bunch and swept the two cherries into his basket.

**FLO: 30/30 Cherries**

"I have thirty." Flo awkwardly lugged her full basket along. "Now I just need to make it back…"

Eventually, she arrived back at Cherrymaster Casino's entrance, where the non-participants were waiting.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: You're doing great, Flo!)" Maude chirped. Swindell studied her, puzzled.

Flo brought her basket before the tuxedo-wearing Shy Guy doorman, who counted the contents. He flourished and beckoned for them to enter. On the other side of the revolving doors and the short entrance hallway, an awestruck Flo and Maude found themselves in an isolated world of light, sound, and fun eternal. Twinkling lights, swirling murals, plushy patterned carpets, and deep red walls enclosed a paradise where time had no meaning and money flowed like water.

"Bless my feathers, this is amazing!" Maude exclaimed. She wandered, unwillingly, over to the designated holding area for non-participants. "Everything is so fancy! Oh my gosh!"

"Oh, Maude! This buffet!" Flo squealed giddily.

Sumptuous and extravagant buffet arrangements covered with cherry-themed dishes filled a large center portion of the room. An assortment of pies alone occupied two tiered tables. Cherry blossoms and other small cherry-motif decorations provided further enhancements to the lavish displays.

"It's such a visual feast!" An overwhelmed Flo continued looking between the camera and the buffet in disbelief. "I don't know where to begin!"

She rechecked the instructions. No hands, feet, or other non-mouth appendages allowed. Flo plucked a miniature cherry-vanilla muffin from a platter and groaned in delight as the flavors graced her gustatory system. She repeated with a mini pumpkin-cherry muffin and a slice of cherry pecan bread.

"Good heavens, I never want to leave this place," Flo gushed. "I wouldn't complain if it takes me a few dishes to find a token."

Flo continued sampling food, targeting one-bite items and small portion sizes. She wolfed down a few pieces of cherry cornbread and a mango-cherry-avocado salad. Finally, at the bottom of a bowl of cherry fruit salad, she found a token.

"Yay, grt one!" Flo enunciated around the coin in her mouth. "Almosh swallowed it, doo."

She raced to one of the marked slot machines and inserted the token, sending the reels spinning. Three buttons popped out at her. She jabbed them all and got two cherries and a seven.

"Aw. Back to the buffet!" Flo said, a touch too cheerily.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 6****th**** Place**  
**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Flash clips played of the three teams reading the Route Info and being directed to the rivers. Tally and Deyn cheered along with the crowd's positive energy, while both Grubba and Bobolink shouted something nonsensical about being famous even in everyone's dreams.

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

Drak smashed into a floating log and tumbled into the water in pieces. He disappeared over the waterfall and reappeared at the start behind Crimson, fully assembled.

"This is surprisingly difficult…" he commented.

"Do not show weakness in front of the enemy," Crimson reminded.

"You are faring no better than I…" Drak retorted. Annoyance registered on his face as he noticed the next wave of teams approaching from the west. "We must quickly devise a strategy to overcome this obstacle…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**ARFUR: On Buffet**

"I've never been in a casino before," Arfur remarked offhandedly as they entered the facility. He stopped in his tracks as everything assaulted his senses. Swindell bumped into his back. "_Whoa_."

"Careful, big guy. We've only got 256 coins," Swindell joked.

"I want you to double that by the time I finish," Arfur joked back.

Arfur ventured into the buffet and whistled in amazement. He settled in front of an untouched pie table and went to town on an almond crumb-top cherry pie.

"I bet I look like an animal right now," he laughed between bites. "I'm kissing my table manners goodbye."

Aluminum foil greeted him at the bottom. After eating a bit more and shoveling the remnants around, he decided to move on. Red filling was messily smeared all over his muzzle. Next he searched a double-crust rustic apple pie with dried cherries.

_"I'm not normally a fan of big, showy displays of money. I don't have much of anything, so those just seem like a waste of resources," Arfur said in a post-leg interview. "But I can appreciate that casino and its crazy buffet. I wouldn't have ever imagined seeing anything like it, even in my wildest dreams. I've never seen so much food in one place before."_

_ "And technically it _was_ only a dream," Swindell added._

_ "Sure looked and tasted real. But it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime thing. That pie buffet will live on forever in my memories." Arfur grinned wildly. "Who doesn't like pie?"_

Arfur lifted his snout from a lattice-top cherry-blueberry pie and spat a token aside. He cleaned out more of the pie tin before moving to a slot machine. Across the room, Swindell clapped, but did not say a word.

_"I liked how racers not doing the Roadblock could sample some food too," Swindell commented. "I would've been insanely jealous if he got to eat like a prince and I could only watch."_

_"So that's why you were so quiet!" Arfur laughed._

_"Yeah, I was busy stuffing my face."_

Arfur rhythmically stopped the reels and received triple cherries. His machine rewarded him with celebratory sirens and spat out a clue. Flo looked up from her cherry cobbler at all the noise.

"Nice!" Swindell met him halfway and laughed as Arfur opened the envelope. "You have pie all over your face."

"I'm saving it for later. Don't judge me." Arfur handed the clue to him and reached for some napkins. He wiped his mouth and the collar of his jacket while Swindell read the Route Info aloud.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Travel on foot to Unun Cave and search the vases for an Ace Coin to claim a departure time—' "

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid camera shots proceeded past Cherrymaster Casino to a nondescript cave. Miles narrated by voiceover.

"Teams must now make their way to this place: Unun Cave. They must then search from 256 vases—"

Overhead shots of the cave's roomy interior showed a sixteen-by-sixteen grid of beige patterned vases, all wide enough for the average person to slip into. One shot trekked into a vase, revealing an impossibly large room with creamy white walls and a miniature platform Ferris wheel. Floating in the center of it all was a large bronze coin with Swindell and Arfur's picture.

"—for one of only two Ace Coins with their specific picture on it."

**ROUTE INFO  
Search Vases**

"The Ace Coin is their key to reserving a departure time for the next morning."

A board with thirteen coin-shaped imprints was posted on the far wall from the entrance. Six slots were available on the top row for 6:00 AM, while the bottom seven indicated 6:30 AM. The very last slot for the latter was marked "LAST TEAM."

"Observant teams will notice a hint that can quickly help them find their Ace Coins in this seemingly random needle-in-a-haystack."

In response, the camera panned over to the cave's entrance. Speckled around it in a peculiar arrangement were twenty-six dots, two each of thirteen different colors. A dissolving transition brought the scene back to the far wall, revealing a world map and a sign reading "SUBCON" in bold letters. Miles meandered into the shot and stood atop the mat.

"Something will happen to the first and last teams to place their coins here. I'll give you one guess."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Swindell's reading accelerated excitedly at the last sentence. " 'The first team to complete this task will win an Express Pass, and the last team may be eliminated!' Yes! C'mon Arfur, I think we're in first!"

"Right behind you!" Arfur scooped up his backpack, and the pair ran out the door.

Meanwhile, Flo continued digging methodically through the food. Not long after the entrepreneurs departed, she unearthed another token from a bowl of cherry rice pilaf. Her second attempt at the slots ended with an unexpected mini-blizzard of streamers and confetti and an undignified squawk of surprise.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Maude, I have it!)" Flo dashed over to Maude and read the clue aloud.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Oh! We have a shot at the Express Pass! The other team just left!)" Maude exclaimed.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: We _so_ need that! Fly like the wind, dear!)"

Shrugging on their packs, the moms exited the casino and scurried toward the cave in the distance.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"I'm done, why aren't you?" Goldy yelled. "What happened to all that bravado?"

"I'm comin' pard, I'm comin'!" Grubba hollered back from one of the bridges. He took a moment to steady himself after nearly toppling off.

Goldy's innate bounciness enabled her to join the exclusive group of racers who crossed both rivers on their first try. She hopped around impatiently, a restless observer to the current proceedings.

"He's such a weirdo," Goldy confided to a nearby camera. "Trash talk equals motivation in his macho-macho peabrain. But at least that makes it easy." She turned to the rivers and shrieked at the top of her tiny little lungs, "I thought you were the most physical competitor here! You're too slow, old man!"

Grubba bellowed back, "I'll be there faster'n a flock o' gulls at a hot dog stand!"

Deyn, crossing a nearby log, burst into giggles. Bobolink lost her concentration and slipped off her bridge with a terrified scream. Drak, who was next in line, rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, Darkly finally mastered the second river. He sat down in relief. Tally and Podley did not share the same fortune and got sent back to the start. Darkly looked back to his grandfather, who was conversing quietly with Eve in the queue.

"I was the martial arts world's greatest acrobat!" Grubba declared loudly, flexing his chub. "I gotcha this time! YAAAAAAAHH!" With a manly battle cry, he used the remaining length of the log bridge to give himself a running start and crossed the second river in _two_ bounds, reclaiming his balance on the riverbank with a stylish front flip finish. "That was fer all you gymnastics-lovin' folks at home!"

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Why didn't you do that the first time?" Goldy demanded. Grubba ignored her and opened their next clue.

"It's a Roadblock! 'Who wants the cherry on top?' That'd be me! Super fruits for a super man!" Goldy looked unimpressed with his autocratic decision-making. Oblivious, Grubba read the task description and continued, "Hoo, this be right up my alley! I was elementary school cherry-pickin' champ, medaled in seventeen pie-eatin' contests, and placed Top Fifty in two poker tourna—"

"Alright, alright, I get it! Just go!" Goldy shouted. Before she even finished, Grubba was already gone, carrying all their bags like a pack mule. Goldy sighed and chased him to Cherrymaster Casino.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
GARF & GUS: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed Northa and Inngrid running east toward the Twin Rivers, Garf and Gus reading their clue, and Laki and Mai descending the cloud staircase. The scene stayed with the train enthusiasts as they entered Subcon proper, obtained their clue, and navigated the welcoming committee.

"I've never seen this place in my dreams," Mai commented. "I wouldn't mind coming back, though. It's beautiful here. And these guys are rad!" She high-fived several Subcon residents as she passed by. Soon they broke free and all that stood between them and the rivers were some hills.

"We gotta knock this thing out quick," Laki said as they jogged. "We're bringing up the rear. If there's a double elimination…"

"Yeah, I feel ya. Pressure's on."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**UNUN CAVE**

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Entrepreneurs**

Swindell reached the cave entrance several paces ahead of Arfur. The former thieves stepped inside and were treated to the daunting sight of 256 tall vases.

"Great. Express Pass on the line and it could all come down to chance," Arfur said. They set their backpacks aside as they studied their search field.

"No problem. We just need to move fast and be methodical," Swindell reassured. "Stay close behind me. Should we start at that corner?"

"Nah. It'd be too easy if it was close to the beginning. Toward the middle or the far side, maybe?"

"Worth a shot."

They ran further into the cave and started at the edge of a row. Swindell hopped into a vase, and Arfur followed right after. They dropped into a room that violated the laws of space; its dimensions clearly overlapped potential rooms of nearby vases and the wall of the cave. Neither male noticed this oddity, instead searching the area for anything coin-shaped.

"It'd help if we knew what these Ace Coins looked like," Arfur said as he scanned the floor, which looked as if it were constructed from children's building blocks.

Deciding the room did not have what they sought, Swindell and Arfur hopped onto the mini-Ferris wheel and returned to the surface, where they entered the next vase over. This room's floor consisted entirely of sand. Mature plant shoots had sprouted in one corner.

"Uh-oh. Do you think we have to dig?" Arfur asked.

"I don't know. Uh. Maybe we should dig a little, just to be safe," Swindell suggested. Both got on their hands and knees and began moving the sand, which was surprisingly soft and unpacked, around. "This isn't going to be as in-and-out as I thought."

**FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

The Crows entered the cave, dropped their bags near the wall, and began checking the nearest row of vases.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt._: With an Express Pass at stake, you'd think there would be more rhyme or reason to this.)" Maude commented as they exited their first vase.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Maybe it's just go fast and pray your shots in the dark get lucky.)" Flo offered.

Voices echoed somewhat in the large, cavernous room. Swindell and Arfur, now alerted to the birds' presence, picked up their pace. Inside their next vase, they finally found an Ace Coin hovering smack dab in the middle of the platform Ferris wheel…for Garf and Gus.

"Dang, this one's Team Robbo," Swindell said.

"At least we know no more digging," Arfur pointed out. "It's big and bronze and in plain sight. Quick in and outs."

"Right. Like a burglary. We can do this."

Having additional information about the Ace Coins on their side gave Swindell and Arfur confidence to move faster. On the other hand, Flo and Maude had stopped moving. At Maude's instruction, they had concealed themselves behind adjacent vases and spoke in hushed voices to each other.

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Subt_.: Flo, check out that peculiar cave drawing!)" Maude chirped quietly, directing her teammate's attention to the entry wall. "_Caw caw caw caw_? (_Subt_.: Aren't those the team colors?)"

Flo's eyes widened as she noticed the web of dots for the first time. "_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Subt_.: That _has_ to be the clue to solving this! Maude, I adore you so!)"

Both studied it for a few moments. In the background, Swindell and Arfur hopped out of one vase and into another.

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Subt_.: We're the violet team. I see our two. But what's the point of reference here?)" Maude wondered. One could place an imaginary grid over the dots, but the locations of the dots within the grid were not readily apparent; the cave's entrance even easily overlapped part of where the grid could be. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Maybe we should just try and guess and work from there?)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Subt_.: That sounds really risky.)" Flo glanced further into the cave, where Swindell and Arfur were checking vases at an agile pace. "_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Subt_.: We need to hurry.)"

The moms flew into the heart of the vase network and picked a random vase. Nothing. They moved into another and were rewarded with an Ace Coin featuring Dour and Darkly's picture.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Twilight Town's mayor. They're the red team!)" Maude exclaimed.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Be discreet! Don't let them know what we're looking at!)" Flo reminded.

Flo and Maude exited the vase and again hid on the side away from the entrepreneurs. Both quickly worked out the closest violet dot according to the diagram, but were still unsure of its orientation in relation to the vases. By silent agreement, they agreed to try a certain fit and scurried over to their predicted vase. Inside, floating above a vertical platform, was an Ace Coin with their picture on it.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Yes, yes, yes, yes!)" Flo cheered. Maude grabbed the Ace coin with her talons. They left the vase and made a break for the very back of the cavernous room.

"Oh man, I think they got it," Swindell realized.

A previously unnoticed Miles stepped out from the shadows and stood behind the pit stop bathmat. Flo and Maude flew up to the departure board, where Maude giddily placed their Ace Coin into the very first slot. Miles beckoned them over to the mat.

**FLO & MAUDE: 1****st**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Oh, no. This isn't some kind of reverse twist where you eliminate the first team, is it?!)" Flo asked seriously, all merriment suddenly gone from her demeanor. Maude gave her a funny look.

Unable to understand whatever she had just said, Miles simply chuckled and announced, "Congratulations, you've won the second Express Pass!"

Breaking out into an incomprehensible celebration of gibberish, the Crows raised their wings and danced around joyously. Flo eagerly snatched the Express Pass card when Miles presented it. He checked to make sure all his fingers were still there.

_"Oh my gosh, we are _so _grateful to have an Express Pass under our wings as a backup," Flo remarked in an interview during the overnight rest period. "It really takes a load off my mind."_

_"We know that our strategy won't earn us many friends. That alone makes us a big Yield target," Maude explained. "And we know that there will most likely be a challenge in the future that we'll have difficulties with because of our physical limitations. Just look at us, we're birds. Does it look like we can move heavy objects?" They both laughed at the thought. A slow-motion shot of the mothers celebrating on the mat was shown as their sound bites continued by voiceover. "Yes, the Express Pass isn't perfect. It's a one-time bypass for a single task. And having that power that others don't makes us even more of a target. But all things considered, I'd rather we have it than not."_

_"Absolutely," Flo agreed. "Every bit of control we have counts."_

Shortly afterward, the entrepreneurs jogged up to the board with their Ace Coin. Flo and Maude were nowhere to be seen, having been relocated to an entirely different part of the cave.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: 2****nd**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Eh. The _Race_ is just getting started," Arfur stated. "As long as we win at the very end, that's what matters most."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Split-screen flash cuts showed Deyn, Gus, Podley, and Inngrid reaching the completion side of the second river. They shouted encouragement to their respective teammates.

"Push that monster out of your mind," Eve told herself. She was next in line for the log bridges. "Your kids are okay, you're doing this for them… There's nothing to be afraid of here…"

On her next attempt, Tally fell just shy, but managed to grab hold of the riverbank and, with a great deal of effort, pull herself to safety. Garf finished seconds after her with a much cleaner landing.

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"That was amazing, Tal!" Deyn exclaimed. The Birdo handed her a clue. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Tally made a face as she shuffled out of the jump zone and over to her partner; her clothes were sopping wet.

_"It was like something out of a movie!" Deyn gushed. "Except, y'know, the female lead is a kick-butt heroine instead of a damsel-in-distress and she can save herself before she goes over a waterfall."_

_"Replete with unintentional fanservice to the male audience," Tally added with an embarrassed blush. "I wonder if it compensates for my previous inability to do pull-ups."_

"That was…more difficult than I anticipated," Tally said.

"You did great! I think we actually jumped a few spots," Deyn noted as she opened the envelope. "Roadblock. 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " She glanced at Tally, who was wringing water out of her pants.

"Please go right ahead."

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Great job, bro." Gus gave Garf a high-five before proceeding to read the clue. "Roadblock, 'who wants the cherry on top?' Me."

"Go for it," Garf said.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

Dupree was very friendly toward the females among the welcoming committee, all of whom shrank away from his advances. "'Allo 'allo, my leetle lovelies!"

While the males seemed unaffected, the crowd overall allowed them to move through much faster than the teams before them. Soon they were traversing the hills to the Twin Rivers.

"We're in last place right now, but not for long," Goom Goom narrated to their camera. "I see some teams up ahead."

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Laki leaped onto the riverbank and landed on his side. Unharmed, he got up and went over to Mai, who had finished a couple of minutes before him. "I am never taking my cloud for granted ever again," he commented.

"And you were worried before. You're doing fine without it." Mai opened the clue. "Roadblock, 'who wants the cherry on top?' "

"Well that isn't totally unambiguous," Laki drawled.

"Yeah. Um, I like cherries," Mai remarked with a shrug. "Especially on top of ice cream sundaes and milkshakes."

"Somehow I don't think you're gonna be eating them, but. Yours."

"Okay." As Mai read the task description, her eyes lit up and she laughed. "It's part food challenge."

"What? No way."

In the background, Dour jumped onto a log but immediately slipped and toppled headfirst into the river. Even further back, Swob rushed across a log bridge but swayed too far to one side and fell off. Northa and Eve crossed the second river in quick succession.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Why they not have regular pedestrian bridge, I do not understand," Northa said. "It does not make sense."

"It is only dream," Inngrid reasoned as she opened the clue. "It does not need to. I think."

Both thought about it for a moment.

"My dreams make more sense," Northa said dismissively.

"Is this not our dream?" Inngrid asked.

"I feel awake. No matter. Question later, race now. What does clue say?"

"It is Roadblock about…cherries?"

"You should do it." Northa looked at the camera and, with a knowing wink, revealed, "Inngrid likes Cherry Bob-ombs."

Inngrid gasped, scandalized. "Northa!"

"What? It is true."

Blushing slightly, Inngrid huffed good-naturedly but said nothing more as she read over the clue.

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Wonderful job, Podley!" Eve exclaimed.

"Wonderful job yourself," Podley replied. He read the Roadblock hint aloud. "I can take this one."

"Give it your best, then." Before they moved on, Eve paused by Darkly. "Good luck, dear. I have faith Mayor Dour can pull through. He's a very hardy man."

As Eve and Podley hurried toward Cherrymaster Casino, a camera remained on Darkly. He watched them leave with a troubled expression.

_"We were second at the bridges, and it seemed like we would be the last to leave," he said in a post-leg interview. "The second part of that river-crossing challenge was hard for me, so I know it was even harder for Grandpa. Most teams got it after a few tries and left pretty quickly. Things were looking grim."_

Breathing heavily, and with a noticeable degree of exhaustion, Dour steadily crossed the log bridge. Darkly looked on with concern.

_"We had just won an Express Pass at the Start Line. I wanted to hold onto it until we hit a challenge Grandpa couldn't do. That happened to be the very next challenge."_

Darkly retrieved their bags. He stared hard at his grandfather, willing him to look over. After what felt like an eternity, they finally established eye contact. Discreetly, so as to not reveal their advantage to the other teams prematurely, Darkly flashed the fanny pack, which contained the Express Pass, at him.

It took several seconds for Dour to decipher the gesture's meaning. He shook his head. Darkly gave him an intent look, but Dour defiantly shook his head again.

_"We had no precedent for the Express Pass. My first time really thinking about our strategy with it was while I waited for Grandpa. And I had no idea what to do." _

Darkly exhaled softly and glanced around. No one seemed to have caught their exchange. He sat back down and waited.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**GRUBBA: On Buffet**

"These're some mighty fine eats!" Grubba exclaimed. Pastry crumbs and chocolate and cherry smears covered his mouth.

His current course, a cherry-loaded black forest cake, yielded nothing but a dollop of whipped cream on his sunglasses. He moved on to a buttery clafouti and exaggeratedly licked his lips for the camera.

Meanwhile, Tally, Garf, Laki, Northa, and Eve waited outside as their partners scampered about the surrounding fields, collecting cherries.

**GUS: 18/30 Cherries  
INNGRID: 6/30 Cherries**

At some point, Gus began tracking Inngrid. Where she went, he followed. When she would approach a cherry bunch, he would suddenly sprint from out of nowhere, overtake her, and claim the prize.

"Stop! _Nyet_!" Inngrid finally caught on after the third instance. "This is not fair! You go away!"

"Sorry sister, just a part of the game," Gus muttered to himself.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in Last Place**

"Excuse us, coming through!" Thriff yelled.

The crowd welcomed the thirteenth and final team into Subcon. Thriff muscled through, creating a path for his brother. Then, the two ran with single-minded determination for the hills.

"I spy teams! Yes!" Thriff announced as they drew closer. Plenn, struggling to keep pace, wheezed out a cheer.

Dupree found himself back on land after another failed bridge crossing. Disoriented, he looked around and did a double take upon noticing the approaching Toad brothers.

"_Sacrebleu_! What eez zis? Am I seeing ghosts?"

Plenn and Thriff arrived, got suited up by production, and fell into line behind Dupree.

"This doesn't look like much fun," Plenn remarked.

"MY HAIR!" Bobolink shrieked. She disappeared over the second waterfall and reappeared behind Plenn and Thriff the next second. Poof.

"Uh…" Both stared at her, very confused.

"Vhat? I am lookink familiar to you two boys?" Bobolink struck a modeling pose that accentuated her designer running shoes.

Thriff and Plenn exchanged looks. "No, it's not that…"

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Crimson landed on the riverbank and wheeled forward to avoid falling back into the river again. She took the envelope and stomped over to Drak.

"That was a horrendous field performance." Crimson took her frustration out on the clue.

"We are not last…" Drak pointed out.

"Indeed, but. Our chance at the other Express Passes are likely nil," Crimson said bitterly. "Roadblock. It is yours."

"The first Roadblock is the easiest…"

"Hence, it is yours."

Drak swiped the folder away and read the instructions.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**PODLEY: 22/30 Cherries**

"These cherries are something else," Podley commented. He jogged up to another bunch, picked it, and moved on. "Maraschino. Mighty fine ones, at that. I can tell they'd garnish many a drink quite nicely."

**GRUBBA / DEYN / GUS / MAI: On Buffet**

"I can't figure out how to do this," Mai laughed. She glanced down at an ice cream sundae topped with cherries, whipped cream, and mint. "No hands?"

"Just dig in, girl!" Deyn, working on some cheesecake bites at a nearby table, advised. Her lower face was already smeared with several dessert fillings. "I checked my dignity at the door!"

_"We've never seen anything like it." Chuckling, Deyn shook her head in disbelief. "And we live in Poshley Heights. Y'know, the place where the rich families have personal chefs and dinner parties every other night? Yeah, uh. That cherry buffet put all those to shame. It had everything you could imagine and more. Blew my mind."_

Shy Guy waiters replaced half-eaten dishes in unoccupied areas with new ones. Grubba returned to the buffet for the fourth time and found his dessert table replenished.

"This here's why I didn't rely on Lady Luck for success in the biz, ladies and gents! Yep! Only gal that ain't my fan!"

Grubba's next exploration, a cheese and cherry strudel, yielded another game token. He hollered and charged back to the slots. Three cherries in a row finally fell into place.

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"What the hey? Bam!" Grubba reveled in imaginary applause as the confetti rained down. His loud announcer's voice boomed over the bells and whistles. "And I stand pleasantly corrected! Guess she's finally given in, though I wouldn't blame her!"

He quickly wiped his mouth before collecting Goldy near the entrance. Grubba read the clue directing them to Unun Cave and yelled manically at the possibility of winning the second Express Pass, startling Podley and Eve as they entered the casino.

Meanwhile, the others continued searching the buffet for coins. Gus showed particular fervor as he savagely tore through a cherry tiramisu.

_"Both of us are very lactose-intolerant," Garf said._

_ "Yeah. All it takes is a little bit of dairy and, BAM, we're done for," Gus said. "But I was like, to heck with it, and just went into that buffet like nobody's business. I ate whatever passed in front of my face. My stomach hated me later, but every second counts, y'know?"_

He almost moved on from a half-finished flambéed white chocolate cherry parfait, but a small glimmer stopped him. With a few more bites, he had a token.

_"No pain, no gain."_

_ "More like lots of pain, little gain sometimes…"_

"One, two, and…come on…three!" Streamers and confetti erupted from Gus' machine. "Yes! First try!" He took his winnings and ran to meet Garf.

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Good job, bro!" Garf clapped him on the back. Gus put a hand over his stomach and quickly recited the Route Info in one breath.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Thriff successfully crossed both rivers on his second try. Both Darkly and Goom Goom stared at him as he collected his team's bags. Darkly began counting under his breath.

"You're almost here, bro!" Thriff shouted. "You can do it!"

"Hey, Dupree!" Goom Goom glanced sidelong at Thriff again. "Come on dude, you got this!"

Swob was the next to arrive on the bank. He gathered his and Bobolink's duffel bags and cheered on his frustrated girlfriend.

"Zis is too difficult!" Bobolink wailed. Unsteadily, she teetered the last few feet across the log bridge and looked helplessly at the logs drifting by on the second river. "_Dorogoy_ (_Subt_.: Dear), how did you cross?!"

"The other two Bob-omb girls could do it, SHA-PLOW! That means you can too, SHA-YAM!"

Bobolink plopped straight into the water, went over the falls, and was sent back to the start. Dour mirrored her seconds later. On Plenn's next attempt, he managed to achieve the right timing and stick a landing on the riverbank. He stumbled dazedly over to his brother.

"Finally," Plenn mumbled.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Ahoy, Plenn! Great job," Thriff said as he pulled out the red folder. "Roadblock. 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " With minimal deliberation, Thriff was elected, and the two jogged off.

Shortly after, another racer leapt onto the riverbank.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"My leetle _compagne_!" Dupree hurried over to his teammate. "You saw zee Team Mustache, _non_?"

"Yeah, and they're gone. Something ain't right, man." Goom Goom opened their next clue. "Thought for sure that punishment was elimination."

"_Oui oui_, me too!"

"We got a Roadblock."

"Say no more! I shall pull us from zis precarious position, honh honh!" Dupree's proclamation made, he led their charge over to Cherrymaster Casino.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**DEYN / MAI / INNGRID / PODLEY: On Buffet**

"_Da_, food is good!" Inngrid exclaimed. Food seemed to disappear in bite-size chunks in front of her face. Messy cherry-banana raisin bread pudding and raspberry cherry compote smears covered around where her mouth would be. "Feast is unbelievable, _da_!"

"I'm surprised no one's working this table," Podley remarked as he strolled up to the selection of drinks. He bypassed the teas, smoothies, and lemonades in favor of perusing the virgin beverages.

_"This is my first time seeing Podley in action in forever," Eve said. "He's so dashing. I'm reminded what attracted me to him in the beginning."_

_"Your husband wouldn't appreciate you saying all these nice things about me, you know," Podley joked._

_ "Nonsense! He knows you have a special place in my heart."_

"Aha." Podley bent over and grabbed the rim of a cocktail glass with his mouth. Then, in one fluid motion, he leaned back and drank its contents. The token became dislodged with the last drops and fell onto his moustache. He navigated over to the slots and stopped three cherries in-frame on his first try.

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"That was extraordinarily fast!" Eve chuckled in wonder.

"My day job served me well," Podley supplied before reading the clue aloud. The formerly dating actors fled the casino, quickly followed by the other teams in rapid succession.

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"This is most awkward," Tally stated. Deyn made a show of licking her lips, causing both girls to burst into giggles. Tally read the clue while Deyn wiped her face vigorously with a couple of napkins.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"The task did not involve Cherry Bob-ombs," Inngrid reported wryly as they exited the building.

"I know. You enjoyed it, _da_?"

"_Da_, very much. My palate is overjoyed."

_"Inngrid knows not what good food is. Her idea of cooking is Space Food. Dry and tasteless and wrapped," Northa joked._

_ "Space Food is compact and lightweight!" Inngrid said in her defense. "Eat anytime without preparation. Very useful!"_

_ "It is our _Race _diet," Northa explained. "They are big portion of our bags. Blech."_

"Their cooking is better than yours," Northa said playfully.

"And yours."

"I doubt that."

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"I had an ice cream sundae and a milkshake, among other things," Mai recapped as she opened the envelope. "Ahhhh… There must've been so many romantic getaways in this secluded casino!" She quickly looked into the camera with big eyes. "Love this place!"

"I get it, it's deep, now where're we going?!" Laki asked.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Rehab Partners**

"Meeeork! Not ours, not ours!" Goldy about-faced from Swob and Bobolink's Ace Coin and hopped toward the ceiling. "Back up the vase we go!"

"I bet my haaandsome face looks diggety-dang dynamite on a bronze coin!" Grubba exclaimed.

**GARF & GUS: Robbo Bodyguard Twins**

"Whoop-dee-doo, departure time on the line and it all comes down to a luck-based mission," Gus said. "And we haven't found squat."

"Don't panic," Garf responded. "We'll get it." They jumped into another vase. Save for some scattered sprouts, the room was empty.

With only four 6:00 AM slots remaining, the urgency escalated as Eve and Podley, Tally and Deyn, Northa and Inngrid, and Laki and Mai joined the hunt.

"Six teams, four spots. Can I panic now?" Gus asked sarcastically.

"Nope. Just stay focused, bro."

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Business Comrades**

The Bob-omb Buddies found themselves in a large room with a floor of toy building blocks and a midair Ferris wheel.

"This place is strange," Northa observed. "You see coin?"

"_Nyet_. I do not know what it looks like." Inngrid walked over to a wall in contemplation. "Regular coin is small. Ace Coin may be small. Search the ground."

They swept the floor and found nothing.

"I do not think it is here," Northa said. "We must try another."

**EVE & PODLEY: Formerly Dating**

Among the group, Eve was the first to _see_ the dot mural. She pulled Podley's vest, stopping him from hopping into the next vase down the line.

"Podley dear, take a look at that," she whispered. "Doesn't it seem significant?"

He glanced at the cave wall. "I don't follow."

"The colors of the dots."

"The colors of…ah. I see. You might be on to something."

"Maybe it's like a treasure map," Eve postulated.

"Yeah… Yeah, I see it. Only problem is, how do we apply it to this vase grid?"

Unable to immediately find a solution, the former actors continued checking vases while they thought. After locating the second Ace Coin of Flo and Maude, the violet team, they paused and mentally placed the mural in context. During that time, another team stumbled across their Ace Coin by chance and ran it to the far wall.

**LAKI & MAI: 3****rd**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Yes!" Laki caught up to his teammate and high-fived her with both hands.

Shortly after, the purple team's correct use of the cave painting enabled them to find their Ace Coin.

**EVE & PODLEY: 4****th**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"This puts us in the first group tomorrow," Podley said as he hugged Eve. "Good eyes."

On multiple occasions, several racers looked at the entrance, anticipating the arrival of more teams. Their tunnel vision, however, prevented them from detecting and making sense of the dots on the wall. Any further discoveries were by luck.

"Is this it?" Inngrid peered closer at the engraved picture. "That is us! Happy day! We look very pretty!"

"_Da_!" Northa laughed and nabbed the Ace Coin. They popped back out of the vase and jogged to the board.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: 5****th**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Only one spot left. I think now's the time to panic." Gus' stomach rumbled loudly in agreement. The noise echoed as they dropped into the room that coincidentally held one of their coins.

Garf chuckled in disbelief. "Or maybe not." He grabbed their Ace Coin and, after jumping onto the Ferris wheel and exiting the vase, sprinted to the back wall.

**GARF & GUS: Last on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Finally. Now I've gotta go find a bathroom," Gus muttered.

Upon seeing the dark green team claim the final slot in the top row, the remaining two teams realized they were automatically sentenced to the second departure group.

"Gosh darn it!" Grubba banged his fist against the vase they'd just checked, cracking the ceramic.

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: 1****st**** on 6:30 AM Departure  
TALLY & DEYN: 2****nd**** on 6:30 AM Departure**

"Well, at least we aren't last, eh Tal?" Deyn said as they placed their Ace Coin. One look at the "LAST TEAM" designation and the nearby pit stop setup told them all they needed to know. "Having this cut short here would suck."

"There are thirteen slots," Tally noticed. "Something is amiss here…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**DRAK / DUPREE / THRIFF: On Buffet**

A camera panned up Drak's skeletal body and zoomed in on his head, which was detached from his shell and hovering in midair. Filling from the sour cherry pudding cake oozed down his jaw, but most of the food seemed to make its way into the abyss. Somehow.

"Do not bother asking… I do not know the mechanics…" He paused and glared at the cameraman before shuffling sideways to deal with a series of messy cherry meringue bites.

Dupree and Thriff, meanwhile, were locked in a pie-eating contest on adjacent tables. Both men were a sight to behold, with crumbs and filling painting both Dupree's snout and Thriff's mustache a veritable picture of bad table etiquette.

"Zis buffet eez_ magnifique_!" Dupree exclaimed. He then slammed his face into a lattice-top rhubarb cherry pie and chowed down like some kind of savage beast.

Thriff surfaced from a double-crust cherry walnut pie with a token and moved to the slot machines, hopping the balustrade on the way. He stopped the reels arbitrarily and was rewarded with noise, color, and a clue.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Nice job, fella!" Plenn clapped his brother on the back. "By the by, you have a little something on your 'stache."

"I can feel it, believe me," Thriff assured before reading the Route Info.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Dupree and Drak extracted tokens and obtained envelopes within seconds of each other.

"'—and ze last team may be eliminated!'" Dupree read.

"Again with that?" Goom Goom knitted his bushy brows together. "As long as it ain't us, I guess."

The bachelors quickly garnered a lead over the Shadow Army officers on the footrace to Unun Cave.

"Curse this downside of being undead…" Drak huffed, nudging his backpack higher on his shell.

"Less grousing, more hustle. Save your breath." Crimson felt her distant cousin shoot a knowing look at her. "Hush."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

After many failures, an exhausted Bobolink unceremoniously crashed onto the far riverbank. Swob swiped the envelope from the Birdo and rushed to his girlfriend's side.

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Hooray, good job Linka! You visualized and you conquered, SHA-POP!" Swob cheered.

"Just…read it. Ve are not safe yet," Bobolink said tiredly.

"Roadblock. 'Who wants the cherry on top?' Boy, that sure sounds dirty, SHA-SHACKITY!"

Bobolink gave him an unimpressed look. "Zat means it is all yours."

**DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Darkly felt an overwhelming sense of dread as he watched the on-and-off dating couple trot away. He turned and gazed meaningfully across the river to his grandfather. Dour charged forward and jumped. He landed on a log. As he prepared to jump to the next, he slipped off and fell into the river. The rainbow appeared over the waterfall as Dour landed back at square one. Darkly grimaced.

By this time, Dour had mastered the art of crossing the log bridges like an experienced tightrope artist. All that was stopping him was the second river.

"Let's just use the Express Pass!" Darkly shouted as Dour stepped down from the bridge. He took out the laminated card and flashed it.

"Save it!"

"Grandpa! We are in last right now!"

"Give me one more shot!"

Dour loped to the bank and jumped. Hopped was a more appropriate term, as he splash-landed in the river again. The current carried him to the waterfall.

_"The idea of quitting did not sit well with me," Dour narrated. "I didn't get to where I am in life by being a quitter."_

Dour sighed in frustration. He looked across the Twin Rivers to his grandson. Darkly waved the Express Pass intently.

_"Everyone else crossed. Even the bones team, and they eclipse me in age by over a millennium. Why couldn't I? And in a dream, of all places. It seems the flesh was willing, but both it and the flesh were weak. It tore me apart on the inside." Dour fiddled with his walking stick, which rested across his and Darkly's laps during the interview. "My greatest fear is growing decrepit and becoming a burden to my family. So it was a nightmare unraveling right in front of me. I was letting my grandson down on the second task of the _Race_. That's…embarrassing. That's humiliating."_

_ "But you didn't…" Darkly insisted. Dour looked at him questioningly. Darkly shook his head._

_ "Some kind of stubborn streak came over me. The thrill of competition, I suppose. I wanted to finish," Dour continued. "But reality came to the forefront with a dash of pessimism. I'd been trying for over two hours without getting close. I accepted that I wasn't going to finish anytime soon."_

Finally, Dour nodded his head. Darkly turned and handed the Express Pass to the Birdo in exchange for the next clue. Production transported Dour across the rivers and removed the task-specific recording equipment.

_"At first I felt dirty for compromising my values so easily. But another thought added some spring to my step. Surrender could be recast as victory if we survived the leg."_

"This isn't over. We still have a shot," Darkly said as he pulled out the Roadblock folder.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

" 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " Darkly stared at the paper incredulously for a moment. "If I do this, pretty please let it be something that can pull us out of last…"

_"I had a bad feeling. There was something dangerous up ahead," Darkly said. "Past seasons had an overnight stop on the first leg. It reeked of being the prime spot for an unexpected mid-leg elimination."_

_"All thirteen teams were accounted for at the river-crossing challenge," Dour explained. "Everyone expected the last team to finish the Start Line challenge to be eliminated. They weren't." He paused a moment, then thoughtfully continued, "Considering all the costs put into this show, it would make sense to cut two teams on the first leg. We were anticipating that it could happen anywhere."_

_ "Being in last normally is bad. With the emphasis placed on the surprise elimination…" Darkly shot the camera a humorless look. "We had to get the heck out of there."_

"There's no darkness multiplier out here," Darkly muttered, a strained look on his face. He carried both of their bags as they hurried to the Cherrymaster Casino.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SWOB: On Buffet**

"So many cherries! It must have taken small army to make all this food, SHA-POP!" Swob, like the previous Fahr Outpost team at the Roadblock, was mesmerized by the vast buffet. "There's enough pies here for circus, SHA-CRASH! They'd be great for playing tic-tac-toe too, SHA-BLAM!"

"Swob! Cease talkink and eat!" Bobolink yelled.

Swob obeyed and smashed his face into a pistachio, cherry, and chocolate tart, sending debris flying. He created a crater that revealed the center of the decorative platter before turning his attention to a set of cherry and almond tea cakes.

"Zat old man vas strugglink on rivers," Bobolink told the nearest camera. "I am not zinkink he vill finish at all, but I vill not feel safe until ve have checked into pit stop."

**DARKLY: 10/30 Cherries**

"Pickings are sparse out here," Darkly commented. He gestured to his basket as he jogged aimlessly in search of red. "Most of the obvious cherries have probably already been taken."

**SWOB: On Buffet**

"No! No, no, no, SHA-DOOM!" Swob's slot machine display had only two cherries. "These rigged games make me want to explode, SHA-PLOOM! I am feeling full, SHA-DOOF!"

Swob retreated to the buffet and began demolishing a platter of tart cherry mini pockets with brie. Bobolink alternated her gaze between her boyfriend's progress and the casino entrance.

"He has not gambled before. It is obvious. He has failed zat twice already," she muttered. "Zis is very unnervink. Ve are in back vith only one team cushionink us."

**DARKLY: 30/30 Cherries**

"I have thirty," Darkly reported. "Now I just need to go back."

He jogged for a couple of minutes and arrived back at the front doors of Cherrymaster Casino. The Shy Guy doorman counted his harvest and then beckoned for Darkly and his grandfather to enter.

"Miraculously, they're still here," Dour informed Darkly. "We have a beacon of hope."

"Keep that beacon dimmed," Darkly replied as he glanced about the casino's stylish interior. Where light existed, shadow also coexisted. He smirked. "This works."

Bobolink barely concealed her surprise when she noticed Dour joining her in the spectator section. "How…?"

Swob was face-deep in a sour cherry sorbet as his competition paused in front of a bowl of cherry cheesecake frozen yogurt. Darkly quickly unzipped his hoodie and untied and stashed his bandana to avoid getting them messy. Then, he leaned forward and devoured a chunk of the sugary treat. He squinted under the pain of the resulting brain freeze, but persevered to reduce the swirl to a thin, sticky puddle.

"Not there…"

"When did you get here, SHA-BRACK?" Swob asked, bewildered. Not expecting a response, he picked up the pace and ravaged a scoop of cherry-chocolate chunk ice cream. Much to his delight, he found a token at the bottom of the cone. "Oh! What luck, SHA-CLOW!"

Swob returned to a slot machine and kissed it for even more luck. He inserted the token, stopped the reels, and took a streamer to the face. It took him a second to realize the confetti and bells indicated a good thing, and a couple more seconds to find the envelope he'd won.

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"I got it Linka, I got it, SHA-SHACKITY!" Swob announced as he scurried over. Bobolink dragged the duffel bags along, and they quickly and quietly read the clue out of Dour's earshot.

"Zis is dangerous, ve are fightink to avoid last," Bobolink said. "Ve can_not_ be eliminated first!"

"We won't be, we have a lead, SHA-PAFF!"

They sprinted out of the casino. Meanwhile, Darkly shoveled through a salad of confetti couscous and dried cherries. He found nothing at the bottom. Frowning, he paused and scanned the buffet arrangement, as if searching for something.

An epiphany suddenly occurred to Darkly, spurring him to make a beeline for the drinks. He awkwardly took the nearest glass in his mouth by the rim and inverted it. A choco-cherry smoothie avalanche cascaded down and doused his face and shirt. Undeterred, he wiped the thick liquid from his eyes and repeated the action with a glass of cherry lemonade. His face again took the brunt of the acidic splash.

Darkly hissed and held his sleeve over his eyes. "Gah, agh, ow, ow… Not my best idea… Ow…"

Bleary-eyed, he rapidly blinked and tried to study the drink selection through the haze, attempting to discern which one most likely held a token. When he'd sufficiently recovered, he cautiously took hold of yet another glass and flipped it, this time slower. Some of the cherry berry smoothie entered his mouth, but most of it ended up splattered all over him, much like its predecessors. Relieved, he took the token that fell out and headed to a slot machine, where he lined up three cherries on his first try.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Bravo, Darkly! We're right on their fuses now," Dour said. "They just left."

Darkly, hair and clothes sticky and dripping wet, quickly ripped the clue open and read the Route Info. " '—the last team may be eliminated.' "

"Oh, badness. I was afraid of that."

Darkly took their backpacks and arranged them on his person. Dour untied his own bandana and wiped his grandson's face as they walked toward the entrance. Darkly grinned appreciatively.

"Up ahead is a cave. That's our element. Grandpa, I need you to run as fast as you can. Like there's a monster after you."

"Like Doopliss is chasing me with his dreaded piggifying spell. Got it."

"Uh…sure. Yeah."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

Unun Cave's entrance cavern was deserted when the brown team entered. On the far wall, the departure board already had Ace Coins for the trailing teams: Drak and Crimson, Plenn and Thriff, and Dupree and Goom Goom. The dating Bob-ombs apprehensively surveyed the grid of 256 vases.

"It's a pottery battalion, SHA-BLAM! I wonder if they were handcrafted or mass-produced," Swob remarked offhandedly.

"Zat is none of our concern," Bobolink sniped. They entered the nearest vase and were deposited into a mostly empty room. "Vat is concernink is low chance of findink coin. Zis sounds almost impossible."

Painstakingly, the couple combed the first row of vases, but saw no Ace Coins. Swob's suggestion to check the plants growing in some rooms only wasted time.

"Ripening rutabagas, this turnip has a face, SHA-WHAM!" Swob dangled the smiling turnip in front of Bobolink's face. She frowned. "Sprouting sassafras, this radish also has a face, SHA-BOOM!" Swob dangled the squinty-eyed radish in front of Bobolink's face. She batted it away. "I didn't know vegetables have faces, SHA-FRACK!"

"Everythink has a face. Ze hills have eyes!" Bobolink snapped. "Focus on findink ze coin!"

**DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Darkly dropped their backpacks against the wall as he entered the cave.

"Just us, them, and last place," he said.

"We're alone?" Dour asked.

"I don't see anyone else."

"Hmm…"

At Dour's discretion, they ventured to the far side of the vase grid before starting their search. Already winded from the sprint over, he struggled to keep pace with Darkly. As they entered their third vase, Dour spoke up again.

"Don't you find this odd?" Dour asked. "An elimination on the first leg purely by chance?"

"'May be eliminated' is inconclusive," Darkly replied.

"I think there must be a catch," Dour theorized. "An obvious tell. Like the first challenge."

This time, they happened to exit the vase in such a way that they were facing the cave's entrance. Their eyes were naturally drawn to the painted dot mural.

"Yeah. I think you might be right," Darkly quipped.

Meanwhile, Swob and Bobolink resurfaced from a chamber containing Drak and Crimson's second Ace Coin. Swob had tried to grab it anyway, but the coin inexplicably eluded his grasp.

"All zese awful searchink tasks! Find pig. Find food. Find coin," Bobolink griped. "I vant zis leg to end already!"

"If this is dream, maybe we can imagine clothes-designing challenge, SHA-KOW!" Swob suggested. "Yours will be the best! We'll be first place in no time, SHA-TAK!"

The dating couple left another vase and noticed Darkly making a break for the rear. And that was when they knew their fate was sealed.

_"It vas like vatchink your model trip and fall off runvay. Even knock over ozer models on vay down. And rip masterpieces you spent hours perfectink. All zis, vith entire fashion vorld vatchink," Bobolink said. Distant misery dusted her words. It sounded like she was speaking from experience. "You are powerless in stoppink it. Everythink is ruined. Your life is over."_

**DOUR & DARKLY: 6****th**** on 6:30 AM Departure**

Dour hobbled over to Darkly and hugged him. "We did it… We survived," he wheezed disbelievingly. Unaccustomed to affection, Darkly awkwardly patted Dour's back.

An explosive cocktail of emotions hit Bobolink all at once. Her pace slowed to a crawl. Swob urged her to finish strong, but she resisted.

"Vhat is point? Ve lost," she spat.

In the next vase they entered, Bobolink screamed as loud and long as she could. She did not know whether sound carried from this space-defying dimension to the cave above, nor did she particularly care. It was a wail of anguish, anger, and humiliation. To be passed at the last second by, of all things, an old man that walked with a cane? Life was _so_ unfair. And even worse? Their shameful defeat was captured on film. Eternal proof that she was a failure. She would never live it down.

Swob whispered meaningless consolations to her.

_"Nothink vent right. It vas all my vorst nightmare come to life." Bobolink shook her head slowly. "Heights. Fast vater rapids. Bad luck becomink our undoink. I do not know vhat happened. Ve never caught break."_

_ "I think we did all we could," Swob stated. "No use crying now. It's over and done with, SHA-POP!"_

Eventually, after much feet-dragging, they found one of their Ace Coins. Reluctantly, Bobolink followed Swob to the board. Swob placed their coin into the slot marked "LAST TEAM." Nearby, Miles took his position behind the pit stop mat and beckoned them over.

_"I zink zat dream vas out to get us," Bobolink insisted. "It vas biased…zat is my only explanation. I vill be comink back and distributink better fashions to erase ill vill of zis place toward us. Robes Shy Guys vore vere hideous."_

_"If it were my dream, we would be racing through snow with natural advantage, SHA-SHPOW!" Swob exclaimed. "I would have leg with snow-shoveling challenge, followed by making snow-bombs and exploding to melt them! Oh, and clothes designing and modeling Roadblock for Linka."_

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Last on 6:30 AM Departure**

"Swob and Bobolink," Miles said, "you are the last team to check in at this point of the _Race_."

Bobolink nodded tearfully and leaned against Swob for support.

"And I'm sorry to tell you…that you also now have to deal with the _new_ Hazard penalty."

"Vhat?" Bobolink sobered up almost immediately. Swob's eyes widened.

Miles launched into the same spiel he gave Plenn and Thriff, but he was unexpectedly interrupted when Bobolink suddenly shrieked in joy. Swob pulled her close and they shared a kiss of relief.

_"So we have Hazard penalty now. Very bad! Very bad with possible surprise elimination, SHA-BLAM!" Swob said._

_ "But ve are not done. Vhere there is vill, there is vay." Bobolink said. "Hazard is danger to long-term success, so ve must remove it quickly. All ve need is get first place. Cannot be zat hard."_

_ "_Da_! We still want to continue on _Race _and travel and blow up in many more places, SHA-CRACKY!"_

_ "His vish, not mine," Bobolink quickly interjected. "Zat last part."_

_ "Maybe we'll go to moon, SHA-DOOM! My big dream! I'd love to go to moon! Or Cheese Land, same difference, SHA-BLOOIE!"_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Following Swob and Bobolink's check-in, the thirteen teams were transported to the Village of the Ninji, a secluded settlement in the forest, for their overnight rest. Roadblock participants were able to clean their faces and change clothes. Most importantly, the racers finally had a chance to properly meet their fellow competitors, who they'd already been racing against for the past several hours. Names and handshakes were exchanged, and the teams began getting to know one another. Inevitably, many conversations veered toward certain pressing matters: the Express Passes and the punishments, as well as who received them.

"Oh my. what an ordeal." Eve placed one hand over her heart and the other on Dour's arm.

"A youth-fountain doesn't change that I'm not as young and spry as I used to be," Dour joked.

"But what matters is that you did it, right? I'm glad you made it through, Mayor. Everyone at home will be so proud, watching us oldies do that."

Dour and Eve sat at a table, sipping herbal tea. At a nearby table, Darkly, Drak, Dupree, Goom Goom, Laki, and Podley traded modified anecdotes of their experiences so far. Drak wasted no time recounting to the group how he lost the Creepy Steeple Express Pass to Darkly by seconds. While discussing the new game mechanic, Darkly chose his words carefully to avoid revealing that said Express Pass had already been played. He subtly redirected the discussion. Perched above them all, Flo listened and observed, unnoticed.

"Plus, you have the Express Pass in case a future emergency arises," Eve continued. "That must be a monumental relief."

Dour hesitated. "Right."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"…no idea what to look for at first. So those two Crows ended up beating us to the second Express Pass," Arfur told fellow eastern Rogueporters Garf and Gus. Swindell was enraptured by the nearby troupe of Ninjis practicing stunts in the central clearing and was only partly involved in the conversation.

"Really? Them?" Gus raised an eyebrow in disbelief and shared a look with his twin. "Huh."

"We haven't met them yet," Garf said. "Do you know their names?"

"We haven't either," Arfur replied. "But we think their names are on their necklaces. Merlin and Falconet."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"…and that's basically it," Plenn concluded. "All he said before he sent us off."

"Wow. That's…pretty major," Mai said.

"Gee, just the psychological effects alone would be killer," Deyn added. "Having that stressor on top of everything else…"

"I could not be you," Mai agreed.

"I'm feeling it already. I'm sweating buckets and Keelhaul Key is much humider than this," Thriff joked. The girls laughed.

_"You could see the gears turning in people's heads," Plenn said._

_ "Lying about it wouldn't have done us any good," Thriff added. "They would've just found out about it in some way or another."_

_ "Right. And it looks like we're not the only ones with the Hazard penalty, either. Aside from the first-place caveat… There's hope."_

"So…you guys have your own shops?" Deyn asked cheerily.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

After chatting with Crimson and Tally, Bobolink returned to find Swob sitting with a lady on each side. She reined in her instinctive jealousy. Just barely. Inngrid, Northa, and Swob went way back, long before the _Race_. Fahr Outpost was a remote, close-knit community where everyone knew everyone. Bobolink, the exotic foreigner from a far-off land, had been dating Swob for a couple of years now, but because of her career, her infrequent visits made it difficult to build rapports with his friends. She rarely remembered their names anyway. Nine times out of ten, they most likely ended with "-ob," which was hardly helpful.

"I'm not cheating, I promise, SHA-POP!" Swob exclaimed, standing up. Northa and Inngrid giggled at their friend's antics.

"Linka, it is good to see you again," Inngrid greeted. "I give you thanks for making your new shoe line available by catalog. All pairs are very cute! We adore it!"

"_Da_, _da_," Northa agreed. "I ordered three sets on first day!"

"And you look beautiful like always," Inngrid added.

"Expected from model."

"My Linka is always beautiful, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed proudly.

Bobolink thanked them and sat down to join the conversation.

_"I zink zis leg vill be double elimination," Bobolink speculated. "I am almost certain. Signs all zere."_

_ "Someone's gotta bite the dust first, SHA-BLAM!" Swob said. "It might be two someones! Or is that four? It is very sad, _da_!"_

_ "I vill make sure ve vill not be one," Bobolink assured. She shot the camera a resolute look. "I vill do vhatever it takes."_

_ "That's my girl, SHA-POW!"_

As Swob later would later discover, his interpretation of Bobolink's statement differed greatly from her true intentions.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**End of Part 2**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**Author's Notes**_ (June 15, 2013): Hooray, it's an update!

One early draft had a much different start line challenge: "Go to sleep to enter Subcon." Ridiculous, right? Because teammates have to stick together for filming purposes, there were many instances of one falling asleep and getting stuck in midair at the cloud staircase while waiting for the partner. Haha. There was some fun stuff with Crazy Dayzees and Johannes Brahms' _Wiegenlied: Guten Abend, gute Nacht_, Op. 49, No. 4 (a.k.a. Brahms' Lullaby), but I like this better. We get double the Hazard fun. (Not to mention that reading about people going to sleep is...rather boring and not amazing at all. Though that statement probably excludes _Dissonance_, haha.) The pigs challenge was, in fact, the original idea back when the start line was Twilight Town and I hadn't thought of using Subcon. Teams then used the Warp Pipe to access Rogueport and fly somewhere different for Leg 1. We'll reach that location later in the _Race_.

In the outline, the Roadblock was much tamer. The eat part was simply "finish a cherry pie" or something. But I had the slot machines out in the middle of nowhere, so…hello random casino and buffet! In case you couldn't tell, I'm sort of an informal foodie. It was tons of fun going, "Okay, what recipes involve cherries?" and seeing all the amazing pictures that came up.

Swob's trouble identifies Bobolink as the girl of his dreams. However, as far as I know, nothing in-game verifies which NPC Bobolink is. She could very well be one of the two female Fahr Outpost Bob-ombs. Obviously I've chosen a different interpretation, and I'm enjoying the liberties that come with it.

Forgot to add my trivia about number significance in Part 1. One thousand origami pigs was a reference to the Thousand-Year Door and a nod to the series' paper aspect, while seven shelves and seventy correct ruby pigs were callbacks to the seven Crystal Stars. In Part 2, 256 vases plays off of Wart's 8-Bit Army in _Super Mario Bros. 2_; there are 256 possible values for 8 bit values in binary code.

Expect Part 3 on July 1. (Hopefully.)

Thank you for reading!


	3. Episode 1, Part 3

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 1: "A Dream Come True"  
Part 3 of 3**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**VILLAGE OF THE NINJI  
6:00 AM**

Early morning light washed over the forest, an ethereal glow dancing through long shadows and untamed undergrowth. Somewhat hidden by all the trees, thirteen small purple birds dressed like pint-sized genies were waiting on the outskirts of the village. In the central clearing, surrounded by a circle of wooden tribal huts, Flo and Maude, Swindell and Arfur, Laki and Mai, Eve and Podley, Northa and Inngrid, and Garf and Gus opened their clues.

Eve's yellow eyes widened as she processed the first few words of the Route Info. "'Travel by magic carpet taxi to Guyshy and locate Panser Farms—'"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid shots covered the short distance to the line of flightless birds, revealing that they were standing atop rectangular red carpets embellished with intricate golden swirls. Each one was large enough to comfortably carry several people and their gear.

Miles narrated, "Teams will now ride these Pidgit-piloted magic carpets to one of Subcon's two desert regions."

Extremely rapid shots condensed a journey of several hours into a matter of seconds. Grassy plains and lush forests gave way to stretches of sand and clusters of cacti. Overhead shots circled a colorful mecca with Arabian architecture before zooming in to a desert farm spanning several acres.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: PANSER FARMS**

"Just outside of Guyshy, they will find Panser Farms, which produces the bulk of the vegetables sold in this region's cities and is therefore despised by most children of the Subconian desert."

Next to a welcome sign featuring several anthropormophic flowers stood the clue box.

"It is here that teams will find their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Magic carpet taxi?" Northa repeated. "I have seen everything now."

"Do we have to call for one?" Mai asked, confused.

"No, they've been provided," Laki replied, pointing at something in the clue. "Should be around here somewhere."

The teams scattered throughout the village in search of the taxis. Eagle-eyed Maude spotted the Pidgits first and led Flo toward them. Swindell noticed the moms' sudden change in direction and informed Arfur.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Sub.:_ Magic carpets were part of last season's finale! We can fly, but goodness me this is still so exciting!)" Flo exclaimed, skipping along animatedly.

Flo and Maude selected the first taxi they reached. Their Pidgit said something to them in an avian-based language. It was apparently decipherable enough to the Crows, who chortled in delight, removed their backpacks, and settled in for the long ride ahead.

Eventually, the other teams also converged on the correct location.

"This thing can fly?" Gus said doubtfully. He fingered the fringe's knotted fibers, looking unnerved at how thin the vehicle was.

"Better believe it," the Pidgit replied. "You ever flown?"

"Fallen," Gus deadpanned.

"You're in for a treat then! Sit back, relax, and let this baby work its magic!"

On command, their carpet began ascending, aiming to clear the treetops. Gus shrieked as if it had rocketed to light speed and latched tightly onto his twin. Garf could not stop laughing.

Half an hour later, the trailing group of seven teams departed.

**6:30 AM**

"Taxi, taxi!" Goom Goom called out bewilderedly.

"Who's that there over yonder?" Grubba yelled, pointing at the Pidgits. Very loudly. "You! Yep, you, ya purty purple pigeons! Are y'all the taxis? Pard, I think I see the taxis!"

Goldy groaned exasperatedly. Grubba's voice got everyone's attention, and they all came running over to the magic carpets.

"Yer sure this flimsy little doormat'll get off the ground?" Grubba asked a Pidgit uncertainly. Goldy scoffed.

"Well, you could stand to lose a few pounds, old man," she said irritably.

"I ain't fat, li'l miss squeaky toy!" Grubba pouted and folded his arms.

"Didn't say you were, you did."

"There's no spinnin' propeller or flappin' wings! This doohickey ain't Glitzville! Howzit supposed ta do the airplane thing?"

A few other teams expressed similar concerns, but the Pidgits sufficiently alleviated them and soon had everyone airborne.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Richard Wagner's _Ride of the Valkyries_ accompanied aerial shots of the teams en route to their destination. Such smooth flying likened the magic carpets to helicopters, simply without the rotor and engine noise and an enclosed cabin. That last part had some contestants, especially the acrophobic ones, scared stiff. Thankfully, the Pidgits were understanding of those riders' fears and operated their flights close to the ground. For the fearless, the panoramic view from a high elevation was magnificent and unforgettable.

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

Death was not of concern to the Dark and Red Bones, so they traveled far above the rest. Partway through the journey, they finally eased up on the planning and strategic talk and took in the sights.

"We are officially founding the air-based division of the Shadow Army," Crimson quipped. Against the Pidgit's requests, she and Drak held their skulls over the edge of the carpet for a truly unbridled experience. "Our new surveillance squad will enable us to develop appropriate offensive tactics to land the first strike."

"Development of a bone-based air missile has been authorized…" Drak said. "It will explode upon contact and release piercing shrapnel, delivering victims into an abyss of endless suffering…"

"Miniature bombs of similar functioning have also been authorized to allow for widespread damage."

Unprompted, they simultaneously began cackling at their work of fiction. The Pidgit looked understandably disturbed.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors**

Neither male was terribly keen on heights. They enjoyed the passing scenery at standard taxi level, not saying much.

_"I am a travel writer. I blog and write pieces for newspapers, magazines, and guidebooks. There eez sometheeng special about seeing zee beauty of a place and zen sharing eet with others, no?" In the pre-show interview, Dupree smiled earnestly and straightened his collar. "I 'ave traveled all over zee world. Immersing into zee culture, blendeeng into zee hustle and bustle of everyday life, zat is my favorite part of my job. I fit een like I belong zere and everywhere. Culture shock 'as no meaneeng. Almost notheeng surprises me anymore, but zen I always find sometheeng new and wonderful wherever I go." _

A shot of Dupree retrieving his personal journal from his backpack covered the transition to a post-Leg 1 interview, where he was wearing noticeably different clothes.

_"Zees land of dreams was unusual. Like a meexture of my imagination and places I 'ave visited before."_

_"Once you've seen one desert you've seen 'em all, right?" Goom Goom joked._

_ "Not exactly what I meant. I do not theenk we saw zee same Subcon."_

_ "What?"_

Dupree hummed thoughtfully as he scribbled something in his flowery cursive. Goom Goom looked at him curiously.

"It eez notheeng, Monsieur Goombanova," Dupree replied airily to the unspoken question.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**PANSER FARMS**

It was mid-morning when the first teams finally arrived before the expansive farmland. The magic carpets traveled at the same speed, so teams touched down in approximately the same time intervals as they had departed. Flo and Maude paid their driver and thanked him profusely before cantering alongside the wooden fence to reach the clue box.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt.:_ It's our first Detour!)" Maude announced. Flo raised her wings in celebration. "(_Subt.:_ Plants or Potions.)"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Prerecorded footage played of Miles strolling down the main wooden road, plowed and planted fields on either side.

"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons."

He arrived at a giant red barn and stopped in front of two wooden arrow signs marked with the Detour options.

"In this Detour, teams will take over some of the day-to-day tasks of the farmhands. Their choice? Plants or Potions."

**DETOUR  
PLANTS or POTIONS**

Rapid shots sped down a long line of crops. Pansers pulled a variety of ripe and unripe vegetables from the fertile soil. Miles stood in the foreground of the final shot, holding up a clove of garlic as big as his head.

"In **PLANTS**, teams will get down and dirty with some backbreaking work and harvest two rows of this year's crop."

A second wave of Pansers trailed slightly behind the first, collecting the uprooted vegetables in baskets.

"To take advantage of this surprisingly arable land, rows have been planted with mixed intercropping, so teams must also sort the vegetables they harvest."

Two Pansers tugged mightily at a pair of leaves. With a great deal of effort, they unearthed a giant smiling turnip and threw it into a large bin. A red Panser shot three fireballs into the air and held up an envelope.

"Once they've finished and the farmhands are satisfied with their work, they will receive their next clue."

Dissolving transition. A camera panned up a shelf holding many Erlenmeyer flasks, all containing the same red, bubbling liquid. Miles strolled into the shot, smirking deviously.

"In **POTIONS**, teams will use these Magic Potions to enter Subspace, a parallel dimension to Subcon."

He picked up a flask and smashed it on the ground, shattering the glass. The volatile chemicals instantly reacted and produced a door. He opened it and stepped through. The world beyond was devoid of life, a monotonous midnight black landscape with a flat blue sky.

"Teams must collect two Mushrooms and two Yoshi eggs, items that seem to appear in random locations throughout Subspace."

After several more seconds, Subspace flickered out of existence. Miles was back inside the barn, standing where the door had materialized. He walked over to another station, which had Mushrooms organized in boxes and Yoshi eggs in giant cartons. A green Panser shot a single fireball into the air and displayed an envelope.

"Once they've located these items and brought them back here, they will receive their next clue." Miles looked at the Yoshi eggs. They bounced up and down, as if crying for help. He glared at the Panser. "I don't think I want to know what you do with these."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt.:_ Potions seems more manageable for us. Let's do that.)" Flo decided.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt.:_ Potions it is!)" Maude chirped.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Detour. Plants or Potions," Swindell read.

"Physical is probably faster," Arfur reasoned. "Plants."

The entrepreneurs quickly overtook the moms as they ran down the long road to the marked barn.

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Think we can handle Plants?" Mai asked.

"Don't see why not," Laki replied. "Let's do it!"

** GARF & GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**  
"Plants looks more straightforward," Garf proposed. Gus agreed.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Both teams, after independent deliberations, chose Potions. They jogged steadily to the barn, where they dropped off their backpacks and picked up some Magic Potions.

"How is this done? We drink?" Northa asked. Her potion fizzed and popped wildly. Podley made a background comment comparing the concoctions to sodas in his stock.

Inngrid checked the clue. "_Nyet_. Throw it at ground and door appears."

"That is like breaking merchandise. Very bizarre."

Experimentally, they used the Magic Potion right outside the barn. In a burst of smoke, a red two-dimensional door instantaneously phased into being. Inngrid hesitated, but opened it and led the way in. It closed behind them with a definitive thud.

The business comrades found themselves in Subspace with an inaccessible charred black building suspiciously reminiscent of the barn in front of them. Upon closer inspection, only a certain spherical area around their entryway had defined shape and structure. Beyond the invisible boundaries, the world was an indistinct blur of black and blue.

"I am corrected. This is more bizarre," Northa remarked.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: 31 Percent Picked, 13 Percent Sorted**

Teams performing Plants were led to one of the many fields and assigned a pair of rows. Sets of large, wooden labeled storage containers, much too heavy and bulky to carry, were situated at various intervals throughout the fields.

"I've never heard of a farm thriving in the middle of a desert before," Arfur said idly. He paused and tied his blue bandana around his forehead to soak up his sweat. "Then again, this is a dream. I guess anything's possible."

Soon after arriving at the task, the former thieves had quickly devised a system that took advantage of their strengths. With each surge of his broad shoulders, Arfur easily plucked a vegetable from the ground. He made it look effortless.

Meanwhile, Swindell jogged back and forth to the bins, using his jacket as a makeshift sling to deliver several vegetables at a time. He sorted each load into the appropriate bins before heading back for another.

"Geez, Arfur! You're a machine, man," Swindell said on one of his trips.

"Right back atcha,"

One particular tuft of red grass halted Arfur's fast-paced momentum. He braced himself and yanked hard, unearthing a gigantic winking turnip.

"Whoa…" Arfur turned its face around to Swindell. "Say hello to Mr. Giant Mutant Turnip."

Swindell blinked. "How…?" Arfur shrugged. "Okay… This guy needs a private ride." With some difficulty, Swindell took the oversized veggie from Arfur's hands and held it overhead as he jogged to the nearest turnip bin.

**FLO & MAUDE: 0/2 Mushrooms, 0/2 Yoshi Eggs**

"Nothing here either," Flo concluded. "Are we sure we didn't miss a map of Subspace or something?"

"Did the clue say anything about one?"

"No…" Flo leafed through the supplemental instructions, shaking her head. Subspace disappeared. The Crows reappeared near the rows designated for Garf and Gus. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt.:_ Oh dear, this might take awhile…)"

_"It was like an Easter egg hunt. Except all the eggs are hidden in another dimension," Maude said._

_ "Kids, remember what I told you about those events," Flo reminded sternly. "Our neighbors' nests are off-limits!"_

On their next foray into Subspace, Maude spotted something irregular: a hazy white blur somewhere beyond their immediate location.

"Flo, look. What is that?"

They attempted to venture closer, but some invisible force prevented them from progressing past the defined Subspace zone.

"It's kind of circular. I think it might be egg-shaped," Flo said. "That's probably it."

_"When you entered the door, you'd suddenly be looking at what had been behind you," Flo recalled. "Like Subspace was a full-fledged reversed mirror of Subcon. That was a bit disorienting."_

Maude used another Magic Potion near the approximate place they saw the white object. They entered Subspace and cheered delightedly. It was a yellow Yoshi egg.

_"Both of us had to be touching the item to claim it when Subspace, I don't know…uh, expired?" Flo made an uncertain gesture. "I don't know. It didn't make much sense."_

Flo and Maude manifested back in Panser Farms with the egg between them. Using their wings, they began rolling it back toward the main barn.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt.:_ I could not imagine doing this with one of our own eggs. That would be unthinkable.)" Flo told the camera.

**LAKI & MAI: 55 Percent Picked, 0 Percent Sorted**

Occasional glances at the other Rogueport teams suggested to Laki and Mai that they were the slowest of the Plants pickers. Arfur, Garf, and Gus were moving down their lanes like wildfire.

"Those guys are tearing it up over there," Mai observed, sounding slightly awestruck. She'd dabbled in gardening before, but that skillset did not seem to translate into major benefits here.

Naturally, the college students had decided to split the work and harvest a row each. They pulled vegetables at a steady, respectable pace and made adjustments as they refined their technique over time.

**EVE & PODLEY: 1/2 Mushrooms, 0/2 Yoshi Eggs**

"Empty," Podley declared. He and Eve returned through the red door and jogged back to the barn for more Magic Potions.

_"Subspace was a very unsettling place," Eve said, absentmindedly running a hand through her curly hair. "It was so eerily quiet. No wind, but the tufts of grass were swaying like there was a breeze. No light, but you could see, and everything was dark."_

_ "Like a shadow of itself in the real world," Podley elaborated. "Or of Subcon. The main dream."_

_ "It wasn't quite a dangerous darkness, but it wasn't the homey darkness I'm used to in Twilight Town. It was just…there."_

_"Nothing compared to the Great Darkness, though."_

_ "Oh, definitely not. Now that was just scary."_

"This truly feels like a shot in the dark," Eve sighed. "Here?"

"As good a place as any."

Eve used the Magic Potion, and the formerly dating couple went through the resulting door. Hardly five seconds later, they reemerged and moved north to try another spot.

**GARF & GUS: 95 Percent Picked, 0 Percent Sorted**

"C'mon Garf, c'mon! Almost done!" Gus urged. "Last Express Pass on the line here!"

"Going as fast as I can, Gus," Garf assured.

Beak ajar for his gular fluttering, Gus tore down his row at a manic pace. Garf had fallen behind his brother on their second row, but was still plucking vegetables relatively quickly.

"Man, it's hot out here!" Garf complained. "I'm panting like crazy!"

"That's because you're not pacing yourself!" Garf told him. Before Gus could reply, Garf noted, "We've got company."

"What? Already?" Gus looked up with wide eyes. Sure enough, another set of magic carpets was descending at the farm entrance. "Crud! Start sorting as soon as you're done!"

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Eet eez a Detour!" Dupree opened the folder. "Plants or Potions. Defineetely Plants! Zee womenfolk love zee sweaty displays of strength!" Some instinct enabled him to instantly hone in on several female Panser supervisors in the distance. "And I see some lovely leetle flowers een zee fields as we speak, honh honh!"

Goom Goom's eyebrows furrowed above his sunglasses. "I'd have a hard time helping you on that one," he reminded Dupree.

"Oh, eez zat so?" Dupree considered that for a moment and quickly relented. "Zen Potions eet eez!"

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
**"Pluckin' veggies is easy as pluckin' stray hairs!" Grubba chortled. "I'll have Plants done faster 'n all o' these folks!"

Goldy said something in protest, but was drowned out as Grubba charged the barns with an eager battle cry, flexing his arms for the camera.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 11****th**** Place  
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

Both Toad teams selected Plants with little deliberation, while the distant cousins, themselves magic users, opted for Potions. For the dating Bob-ombs, the decision was not so cut-and-dry.

"Farmwork or more searchink?" Bobolink made a face. Harvesting crops would be difficult without hands, and their game had almost ended the previous day due to a series of needle-in-the-haystack-type challenges. Neither option appealed to them. "Ugh. Zis is choice of two evils."

"I pulled those plants easily yesterday," Swob supplied. "You can too, SHA-POP!"

Still unconvinced, Bobolink pointedly surveyed the fields. "Zose rows are long. Huge. You are really sure we can pull all zat?" They began jogging toward the Detour stations as they discussed their decision. Bobolink displayed noticeable discomfort as her duffel bag bounced against her side.

"We can do anything we put mind to, SHA-POW!"

"Idealistic tinkink is not helpink! Say somethink serious!"

"We can switch if the snow is whiter, SHA-POOM!"

"You are forgettink ve have ze Hazard! Lost time vill end ze game! Ve—urggh!" Bobolink cut herself off in exasperation. "Ve are doink Potions!"

"Bu—"

"_Nyet_!" She silenced him. Five seconds later, she exhaled agitatedly and mumbled under her breath, "Zis is goink to be awful."

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"We're electing 'Potions,' " Dour announced.

Darkly shifted their backpacks on his body in preparation, but then thought better of it and dropped them at the front gates instead. He retrieved a lone water bottle and paced his grandfather at a fast-paced walk down the dirt road.

"Make sure you stay hydrated," Darkly said. He glared at the sky. Various creatures flew about, but there was no celestial body creating the overbearing sunlight bearing down on this desert. "It's hot and, even worse, sunny in this ridiculous dream." Dour chuckled softly.

By the time they reached the marked barn, the six other teams from their group had already scattered about the farm. Darkly rolled up his sleeves and grabbed a couple of Magic Potions.

"Any intuition about this?" Dour inquired.

"Not right here. Would be claimed already." Darkly frowned and observed as the faraway figures of Flo and Maude entered a door. "Otherwise, no. This sounds like a completely random challenge."

"If it was designed, it is not truly random," Dour stated. He began plodding toward the northeast. "Come. Perhaps seeing this Subspace will give us the insight we need."

Dour chose a random spot for their first door. Darkly smashed the Magic Potion to the ground, and they stepped through into the parallel dimension.

Surprised, Darkly muttered, "It's…dark here." He smirked. "This works. Yeah. I feel something."

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: 100 Percent Picked, 55 Percent Sorted  
GARF & GUS: 100 Percent Picked, 34 Percent Sorted**

Split-screen shots showed that both teams had finished unearthing and were now busy transporting their vegetables to the bins for sorting. Though half an acre of plants separated their rows, they gauged their progress against each other as they waged an unspoken battle for first place.

"Slow down a little, Swindell!" Arfur called out. "Don't exhaust yourself!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," the Bandit shouted back. He'd been running almost nonstop since they'd shifted strategies. The exertion was clear in his expression and heavy breathing.

"They're ahead of us, Garf, hurry!" Gus yelled as he whizzed past his twin with a pile of turnips tucked close to his chest.

"You don't know that!" Garf responded.

"It doesn't matter anyway! Express Pass, bro, Express Pass!"

_"Gus is…a workaholic. You need something done, ask him and it'll get done. Done way faster than you could've done it yourself," Garf said fondly. "He pushes himself really hard…which makes me look like a lazy good-for-nothing sometimes. But I'm glad he's my teammate."_

_ "'Cause I'm the one who'll kick him in the behind to make him go," Gus quipped. Garf laughed._

"I don't know how he's doing this," Arfur told the camera. "I just made one trip and I'm already spent." Massaging his arms, he glanced down to the other end of the row. Vegetables littered the ground the entire way. "And we have all that to carry." He stared at some point off in the distance for a moment. "Unless…"

New method in mind, Arfur steadily jogged all the way down to the far end opposite the barns. Then, he crouched down and began hurling the vegetables in the direction of the nearest bins. He threw the first few like American footballs, aiming for distance, but quickly changed his approach and began tossing them underhand at a pace like a high-speed tennis ball machine.

"Hey, watch it! You could kill somebody with these things!" Swindell reflexively dodged a radish. He noticed his teammate's new technique and immediately rushed to implement it.

Gus, who was constantly monitoring the blue team's headway, informed Garf, and they too switched their delivery.

**DRAK & CRIMSON: 0/2 Mushrooms, 0/2 Yoshi Eggs**

"This is the epitome of pointless reconnaissance. We have nothing yet," Crimson reported. She and Drak wore matching grimaces of frustration as they ran back to the barn for more Magic Potions.

**TALLY & DEYN: 17 Percent Picked, 0 Percent Sorted**

"I grew up on a farm," Deyn explained to the camera as she worked, "so I've done my share of this kind of manual labor. This brings back memories."

Anticipating a physical challenge, both had drawn their hair into neat, manageable braided pigtails during the magic carpet ride. Deyn plucked vegetables at a pace comparable to Thriff and Grubba, the other frontrunners of their crew. Tally was not too far behind on their second row.

"It was never this sweltering, though," Deyn continued. "I can feel my face melting. Maybe we shouldn't have bothered with makeup this morning." She mimed the action of mascara running down her cheeks with a mock pouty face.

Their camera ventured back to Tally, who smiled politely in acknowledgement once she registered its presence. "I have new respect for farmers. This is difficult work. I think I will stick with my desk job."

**DOUR & DARKLY: 0/2 Mushrooms, 1/2 Yoshi Eggs  
EVE & PODLEY: 2/2 Mushrooms, 1/2 Yoshi Eggs**

As Dour and Darkly rolled their first Yoshi Egg into the barn, they encountered Eve and Podley, who were stocking up on Magic Potions. No one else was in the immediate vicinity.

"Good morning," Podley greeted. "We meet once again." Darkly nodded, hefting their egg into a marked carton.

"A fine morning to you both as well," Dour replied.

"Splendid, you have something already," Eve said quickly. "It's taking everyone a long time to locate these, so you might have a leg up on your group." She and Podley moved toward the open doors, but Dour stopped them.

"Wait one moment! Darkly and I have a theory regarding the locations of the Mushrooms and Yoshi Eggs." He plodded over to them and shared his speculation in a hushed voice while Darkly took a swig of water and collected another batch of Magic Potions.

_"I've known Eve and her husband for years. They are nice folks," Dour explained. "I did not meet Podley until the _Race_, but he seems like a standup fellow as well. It felt very natural to establish an alliance with them." He lifted a hand. Here came the catch. "This is a loose alliance, mind you. When our shadows cross with those of Eve and Podley, we have no qualms against collaborating, but we have agreed to avoid being tethered together. Presenting a united front does carry its own merits, but I am here racing with my grandson. My allegiance lies with him first."_

"Thank you," Eve said sincerely. "We only need one more Yoshi Egg, so this will be very helpful."

"Win that last Express Pass!" Dour told them as they parted ways.

_"I have nothing but the utmost respect for Mayor Dour," Eve remarked. "It takes a special type of person to run for office. You will never be able to please everyone, and you can always make new enemies." She smiled softly. "He is…an effective enough leader. We don't mind sharing information with Mayor Dour and Darkly in a loose partnership. Hometown pride and all that."_

_ "The more help, the better," Podley said. "There is power in numbers."_

"Should we test it?" Eve asked. "That correlation sounds…rather ludicrous. Purely circumstantial."

"Our hands are full and we have nothing to lose," Podley replied, holding up his potions. "If they're right, it'll be huge for us."

**PLENN & THRIFF: 36 Percent Picked, 0 Percent Sorted**

"Our crew established a garden when we tired of Coconuts and Keel Mangos," Thriff explained. "Things grow big on that island. So this is kinda like harvesting that."

He met resistance on his next sprout. With a yank, he uprooted a giant dazed-eyed turnip. Spotting this from afar, Eve and Podley moved toward Thriff's row as he tossed the vegetable toward the bins.

"Tenth or higher at all times," Thriff recited. "That be our game today to assure our safety in case of double elimination." He glanced sidelong at the camera. "It's nerve-wracking, being in the bottom with the Hazard. But Plenn and I have faith we can do it."

Plenn was making good progress on his row of crops, but Thriff was clearly working ahead of him with a wide and growing margin.

"My little bro keeps upstaging me on these physical tasks. I don't know whether to feel proud or embarrassed."

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: 21 Percent Picked, 0 Percent Sorted**

"I'm a one-man pickin' machine!" Grubba declared. Other racers could practically hear him across the farm. "Eatin' all my veggies when I was a young'un made me the fine, strappin' young specimen I am today! Darn skippy, I'm stronger than Popeye 'cause I ate more 'n just spinach!" He added in a stage whisper, "Doin' my public service do-goodin' for the day! Take note, Doc!" before continuing at normal volume, "So kiddos, here's a grand life lesson fer ya: eat yer veggies!"

"Mr. Big-Lips Loud-Mouth never ever shuts up," Goldy divulged. "He drives the staff insane. Me included."

She tuned out Grubba's running commentary as best as she could by mumbling mindlessly into her clip-on microphone. Her contributions to the Detour amounted to acting like a living katamari; vegetables stuck to her fuzzy body in limited quantities. Upon reaching the bins, she would body slam them and shake herself to dislodge the produce. She continued hopping up and down the rows at the same hyper pace, suggesting that the repeated physical trauma had little effect.

Meanwhile, the two eastern Rogueport teams converged on their final bins and began tossing in vegetables. Despite Gus' frantic efforts, Swindell and Arfur's lead entering the Detour and efficient system throughout enabled them to finish sorting first. They called over a Panser to check their work. She peeked into the bins closest to them while her colleagues checked the rest. After they shot fireballs into the air to signal their satisfaction, she gave Arfur an envelope.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

He thanked her and wiped his sandy hands on his shorts before he opened it. Swindell followed along over his shoulder. " 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' "

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid shots trekked across the desert to a series of Egyptian-style pyramids, complete with reflective polished limestone surfaces.

Miles narrated, "Teams will now travel by Beezo taxi to these pyramids, distinguished by the unusual ferocity of the phantoms that guard their treasures. Said phantoms are these totally creepy inanimate objects, so yeah, they're definitely something special."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: PHANTO PYRAMIDS**

Solemn-looking golden masks decorated the ground-level entrance to one particular pyramid. As the camera panned down to the clue box, a sinister red glint flashed in one of the eye holes.

"It is here that they will find their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"We're at a farm in the middle of the desert. Where are we going to find a taxi?" Arfur wondered.

They jogged back to the marked barn, where they, along with many other teams, had left their belongings. Another team approached the edifice, rolling a red-spotted Yoshi egg. They deposited it into their carton and, due to the simple verification process, quickly received their clue.

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Strange. This is a different type of taxi than before," Eve observed.

"Maybe we can ask to use a phone and call for one," Podley suggested. Eve agreed.

As they jogged toward the main farmhouse, Eve scanned the fields. She wanted to send a signal to Dour and Darkly regarding their theory on Subspace, but they remained out of sight.

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"The heck? You guys aren't worried about your farm going up in flames when you throw fire everywhere? This desert's a fire hazard." Gus didn't wait for the supervisor's reply and turned his attention to the clue. "If it's the pit stop, we have a shot to beat them."

"It's not." Garf showed him the Route Info and read it aloud. Gus had a conflicted look.

They retrieved their backpacks and joined the entrepreneurs at the farm entrance. Arfur had hoisted Swindell onto his sweaty shoulders, and the Bandit was waving his arms about listlessly.

"Any ideas?" Gus asked them. "This place is in the freakin' boondocks."

"Just one." Swindell turned to the sky and loudly shouted, "TAXI!" several times.

One of the many creatures patrolling the airspace, a gray Shy Guy with small, delicate-looking wasp wings, made a beeline for the group.

"You called?" The Beezo alighted in front of them.

"We're looking for a Beezo taxi," Swindell said as he hopped down.

"You found one."

Confused, the men traded glances. He was just a lone individual carrying a three-pronged spear. There was no vehicle readily apparent.

"Let me guess: your trident doubles as a witch's broomstick," Gus scoffed sarcastically. "Or maybe there's an invisible carriage floating behind you."

"Nope. How many are riding?"

"We're not with them," Swindell clarified. "Two." In reality, four, counting their recording team.

"Coming right up." The Beezo flapped his wings rapidly, shooting an odd vibration into the air. Three other Beezos assembled beside him within seconds. He gestured to their heads. "Hop on!"

"Are you sure you can carry me?" Arfur asked doubtfully.

"We can support several times our body weight on our heads," one of the Beezos informed him cheerily.

"But…that makes no sense!" Gus exclaimed.

"This is Subcon, the land of dreams. It doesn't have to!"

Dumbfounded, Gus grumbled under his breath. Garf took it all in stride and called for another taxi. Eve and Podley arrived in time to see Swindell and Arfur ascend on their private mini-swarm. An appreciable period of time elapsed before another team's work was approved.

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Great work, man!" Mai cheered and high-fived Laki. They read the clue together before returning to the main barn. Laki dug a set of railway signaling flags and a lanyard with several assorted whistles from an easily accessible pocket of his backpack as they jogged out to the gates. Said items enabled them to hail a taxi in seconds.

_"Part of our strategy is to stay well-informed on the local transportation. Ask early, ask often. You spend a large fraction of your time on the _Race _traveling, so it's good to make sure you know how you're getting around," Laki explained. "We knew about the Beezo taxis and how to get their attention because we'd asked our Pidgit." The interviewer broached the subject of Laki's unusual backpack contents, eliciting laughter from him and Mai. "What, my flags and whistles? Uh, yeah… We told you, we are full-blown train fanatics. Besides, they're functional! And lightweight!"_

"Hey, could you do a train formation?" Laki asked. "Trains are kinda our thing."

Bemused, the Beezos conferred. The initial arrival turned back to him with a shrug. "Sure, why not."

Their squad ascended in a one-handed Conga line. Laki stood atop the leader's head, miming a train conductor. "All aboard!"

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

Darkly heaved their second Yoshi egg into their carton with a grunt. He took a swig of water while Dour accepted and opened the clue.

" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' " Dour noted the unfinished stations and remaining backpacks as they headed out. "I believe we did something right there."

"Pleasant surprise," Darkly said.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: 2/2 Mushrooms, 0/2 Yoshi Eggs  
FLO & MAUDE: 1/2 Mushrooms, 1/2 Yoshi Eggs  
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 1/2 Mushrooms, 0/2 Yoshi Eggs**

Split-screen shots showed separate fields of Subspace deteriorating around the three teams. They all emerged empty-handed and raced back to the barn for more Magic Potions.

"We are struggling to find another," Inngrid said. "Should we switch to Plants? We have strength."

"I do not deny," Northa replied, "but I do not know. Change is risky."

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Switching right now might put us in jeopardy.)" Maude reasoned, trying to remain calm. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Everyone's here. It's not wise.)"

"_Cawcawcawcaw_! (_Subt_.: I know, I know, but this is really spooking me, we've searched and we can't find anything else, where are they!)" Flo exclaimed. "_Cawcawcawcaw_! (_Subt_.: I think we need to use the Express Pass!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Not just yet. Please try to calm down, Florence. We can still finish this.)"

"I am detecting problem, SHA-KOW!" Swob said. "Subspace is shutting us out to prevent us from moving on, SHA-DOOM! Maybe we should restart on other task, SHA-WHAM!"

"Zat vould be game suicide," Bobolink replied, shaking her head adamantly.

Ultimately, all three decided to stick with Potions for the moment. Doubts arose frequently among the remaining teams performing this side of the Detour, but for one, a sudden realization bolstered their confidence.

"Understood…" Drak nodded. "We must cease searching and begin _finding_…"

A montage ensued of the officers locating the required two Yoshi Eggs and two Mushrooms in quick succession.

_"An individual… The Doogan with the unnatural hair growth and an eternally unreciprocated affinity for women…" Drak paused. Remembering the names of his competitors was difficult when he legitimately didn't care. Crimson, also drawing a blank, shrugged when he turned to her for assistance. "He flippantly introduced the possibility of actively manipulating this reality as a lucid dream…"_

Dupree and Goom Goom were briefly shown examining a deserted patch of Subspace, looking discouraged.

_ "As in, using thought to bend this land of dreams to our benefit," Crimson elaborated. "Presently all our actions are reactive, consequent to instructions from the _Race _and the environments we enter. This is someone else's vision, in which we are intruders. Puppets, made to obey another's whims." Resentment dusted that last sentence. She paused to lend greater impact to her next statement. "We answer to only one being." _

_ "Once we seized control it was only a matter of time…"_

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"What trials await us within this tomb of another being…?" Drak mused as their Beezo taxi achieved lift-off.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed Plenn and Thriff hustling down the dirt road, Grubba and Goldy getting their work approved, and Tally and Deyn sorting their final vegetables. The scene stayed with the pink team as they received and read their clue and jogged back to the barn.

"Splendid job," Tally told Deyn, who cheerily returned the sentiment.

_"One thing we've learned over the years is that we are both very goal-oriented. Sharing a common objective is crucial to success. It seems elementary, but it is incredibly easy to ignore," Tally said. "We chose Plants not because it sounded easier per se, but rather because the objective was visible and very well-defined. We could see the ends of the rows and how much more work needed to be done at all times. That motivation helped push us forward."_

_"Plus, we had the 'Stache Brothers and Golden Glam nearby pacing us," Deyn added. "There's so much ambiguity when you're off on your own, but when the pack's in sight at least you know you're in striking distance."_

"Real good thing those priss 'n prim lassies didn't beat us. I wouldn't've been able ta live with myself," Grubba chortled. His round form completely dwarfed two Beezo heads. "Why weren't ya helpin' me?" he asked Goldy, who was sitting on top of his hat.

"I know you're not blind behind those sunglasses," she hissed humorlessly.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**PHANTO PYRAMIDS**

The entrepreneurs' Beezo squadron idly circled a cluster of unmarked pyramids. Swindell spotted the clue box, tucked close to one's base, and directed the taxi accordingly. Arfur paid all four members of the unit and instructed them to wait, but like free-spirited nomads, they dispersed as soon as their customers' backs were turned.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Opening the envelope, Swindell was surprised to find a red folder. "Whoa. Second Roadblock."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Miles walked through a dank, torch-lit corridor, scroll in one hand and an arm-sized golden key in the other.

"I already said what a Roadblock was. Rewind if you forgot. Just remember that everyone's limited to eight."

Something white, red, and grinning evilly swooped through the hallway behind him, phasing through the walls as if they didn't exist.

"In this Roadblock, one team member will enter this cursed pyramid with one simple objective."

He tossed the key aside seconds before the possessed mask caught him. It relaxed its trajectory once he was no longer in contact with the key.

"Escape."

**ROADBLOCK  
STEAL KEY**

Rapid shots navigated the mazelike torch-lit hallways to a central chamber decorated with majestic murals of an anthropomorphic green frog and tapestries of the finest Egyptian cotton. Twenty large, golden keys stood at attention on their blades, a miniature army guarding a watchtower-like sculpture topped by a golden mask.

"The method is simple. Participants must obtain a skeleton key—"

A red snake called a Cobrat slithered into the shot and desecrated a key by taking it into his mouth. The tower pulsed with dark magic and emitted a white and red mask. Backpedaling shots rocketed through the pyramid to a familiar red door, this time with a keyhole.

"—and make it to one of three exit doors with the key still in their possession. If they can do all this without getting caught by a Phanto—"

With the ghostly form hot on its tail, the Cobrat spat the key at the door. It spontaneously unlocked and cracked open. A halo of desert sunlight surrounded the envelope that was passed through.

"—they will have escaped death and be rewarded with their next clue."

Rewind, rewind. In an alternate scenario, the Cobrat pretended to trip despite having no legs. He turned and stuck his tongue out.

"However, if they get caught—"

The Phanto swooped down and full-body rammed the Cobrat. Instead of getting bowled over, the Cobrat vanished upon contact. His key clattered to the floor.

"—they will have to find another key and try again."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

His eyes moved down to a notice at the bottom of the page. " 'The person who sat out the previous Roadblock must do this one.' That's me."

Swindell used the pyramid's west entrance and descended a short staircase into an antechamber. Production equipped him with a rolled-up parchment as well as a helmet that featured a flashlight and a set of head-mounted cameras.

_"There was this weird tension in the air the second you entered that place, and I'm not talking about how musty and stuffy it was," Swindell said. "It felt like something straight out of an Indiana Jones movie. We got to rob a haunted pyramid! Fortune and glory, man! Not gonna lie, I was excited letting my thief side back out. I'm no stranger to stealing things. It was right up my alley."_

Overcome with excitement, Swindell sprinted into the three-dimensional maze.

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

" 'Who is ready to make a great escape?' " Gus read. "You gotta do this one, clue says so. And remember, go fast! Express Pass on the line here!"

"Yeah, yeah. Be back before you know it," Garf replied.

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Oh dear, what do I have to do?" Eve broke the page's seal and read the details.

"Break a leg," Podley supplied. Eve gave him a knowing look and thanked him before entering the pyramid.

"It's blissfully cool in here. What a welcome respite from that hot desert air," the Twilian remarked. She touched a hand to the stone walls in wonder as she descended the steps. "This place reminds me of a set from one of my very first productions."

In the antechamber, Eve received her equipment and a short briefing before she was sent on her way.

"Now what have we here?" Eve unfurled part of the scroll, revealing a detailed blueprint of the pyramid. Except it was handwritten ink on aged papyrus, like something recovered from an ancient library. The mess of architectural shorthand and symbols and overlapping floor plans was essentially an alien language. "Oh dear. I'm not the best with maps…"

She stood at the junction to two new hallways, trying to make some sense of the highly technical diagrams.

"I don't understand any of this," she admitted after a few seconds. "When all else fails, intuition is the old standby, I suppose."

Making a decision, Eve hiked up the hallway leading higher into the pyramid.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Something indefinable eventually clicked, enabling the trailing teams to break their dry spell. The business comrades were the first to do so, rolling in a Yoshi Egg at a near sprint.

** NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"I am melting. I might spontaneously combust." Northa emptied her water bottle on herself to cool off. "What is new assignment?"

" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids,' " Inngrid read. "Come, we hurry!" They hauled their bags out and searched for a taxi.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Squawking and shaking with exertion, the Crows shoved their second Yoshi Egg across the fields and into the barn. Maude read their clue aloud.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Oh goodness, we're at the back of the flock right now.)" Flo said as they scurried to the gates. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: I'd feel so much better if we could fly ourselves there!)"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**GARF**

The Robbo was the first racer to reach the treasure chamber. He regarded its contents with awe and jealousy for a few moments before rechecking his clue and approaching the keys.

"This joint just reeks of being booby-trapped," Garf deadpanned. "Nothing I can do about that, though."

Garf stuffed his papers in one hand and then plucked a key with the other. Something in the atmosphere changed immediately. Garf looked up in time to see a Phanto manifest from the tower's peak. He turned and ran.

Meanwhile, Eve unknowingly drew closer to the chamber despite not relying on her map.

"…like a different kind of stage fright. I'm so nervous," she was monologuing to her cameras. "This is my first task by myself on the _Race_. I don't want to let Podley and my husband and my kids down by performing poorly…"

Garf suddenly rounded the corner and sprinted toward her. After a moment of bewilderment, Eve sensed the malevolent nature of the thing chasing him, screamed, and ran away as well.

"What is that?!" she cried.

"Heck if I know!"

At another intersection, Eve veered right while Garf kept straight. The Phanto continued pursuing the key holder. Eve tore blindly through another corridor before she finally noticed she was safe. She bent over to catch her breath and stifle her panic before pointedly skimming back over the Roadblock instructions. Any mention of key guardians had been conveniently withheld.

"And so the plot thickens," she sighed heavily. "There's another layer to this Roadblock... Lovely."

Realizing the Phanto was steadily gaining on him, Garf decided to change tactics. He turned, gripped the scroll and key at their bases, and emulated a two-sword fighting stance. The Phanto swooped down through the ceiling into view. Blurriness clawed at the edges of Garf's vision and a haunting metallic noise assailed his ears with growing intensity as the Phanto rapidly closed the distance. Garf sprang forward and sliced overhead with his key.

Its blade passed through the Phanto like there was nothing but air. Garf's eyes widened.

A split-second flash of black with an afterimage of a sinister smile blinded him before he suddenly crashed hard onto the floor. Dazed, Garf looked around and found himself in an unfamiliar part of the pyramid, dominant hand empty. The Phanto was gone. His key was gone.

"What…just happened?"

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Flash cuts played of Laki, Dour, and Crimson all separately venturing into the pyramid.

"I won't disappoint you," Dour promised Darkly. He shuffled away before his grandson could reply.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Hurry, hurry!" Bobolink shrieked. Swob obliged and read the Route Info in an unintelligible blur of words. When he finished, Bobolink looked relieved. "It is not ze pit stop, ve still have time!"

"It is never over until the host explodes, SHA-BOOM!"

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

Sweating profusely in his sparkling sequined satin jacket, Dupree trudged up to the barn carrying a Mushroom. Goom Goom supported part of its weight with his head.

"Who knew finding zee delicacies was so 'ard?" Dupree remarked.

"Mushrooms are hardly delicacies," Goom Goom told him.

"Honh, someone ees unaware of zee refined flavor and exquisiteness of truffles!"

"Truffles? Aren't those the chocolate balls you give girls on Valentine's Day?"

The bachelors loaded their third item and received their clue. They read it and then ran for the farm entrance.

"I don't see anyone else around," Goom Goom said, concerned. "I think we're in trouble."

Dupree unintentionally scared away the two female Beezos in their initial taxi, but they eventually secured a full unit and were on their way.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**LAKI**

"I'm no architect, but I think I'm seeing the logic here," Laki said of his scroll. As he jogged, he awkwardly balanced an open section of the blueprints against his chest and on his right arm while using his left hand to plot his course. "I would've figured it out sooner if this silly map weren't so messy and complicated. Someone's penmanship is horrible."

**SWINDELL**

"I don't get it." The winded Bandit leaned back against the rock wall. "Even at full speed, I can't outrun that guy. I can't give it the slip. It's like it's an angry spirit out for my hide."

He kneaded his legs, face contorted in thought. Running so much, so fast throughout the day was taking its toll, and he was regretting his carelessness in not pacing himself. Once he recovered somewhat, he began walking briskly and gradually upped his pace to a steady trot.

"First time in a long while I've gotten caught during a job, too. Ain't that a blow to the ego."

**EVE**

"Someone dropped a key. Am I allowed to…?" Eve rechecked her clue. She internally debated with herself for a few moments before taking the key. Bizarre sensory phenomena associated with possessing a guarded key caused her to wince in discomfort as she broke into a run. The Phanto resumed its chase.

** PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed Plenn, Goldy, and Tally preparing themselves for the Roadblock. Thriff and Deyn sent their partners off with words of encouragement.

"I oughta be doin' this one!" Grubba whined. "I'm still pumped and rarin' to go from the Detour! We'd be done lickety-split!"

"Bite me! You got to stuff your face at a cherry buffet yesterday, you glutton! I wanna have fun too!" Goldy snapped. "And I have to do it 'cause the clue says so! So nyeah, nyeah!" She stuck her tongue out at him before bouncing toward the marked entry door.

Grubba pouted. "Lil' lemon firecracker can't take a joke." He turned and searched for potential conversation partners. Slowly he became aware that, against his explicit instructions, the Beezos from his taxi had abandoned him. He muttered darkly under his breath.

"I bet it's dark, dank, and creepy in there. I would be right at home." Darkly adjusted his red bandana as he talked to his cameraman. "The Roadblock sounds running-intensive, though. That worries me. This place looks big. Running isn't Grandpa's strong suit. He might have to rely on stealth and sneakiness to get out."

Grubba cavorted into the shot and guffawed. "Right up any politician's alley!" Darkly looked at him flatly. Grubba flashed his gazillion-watt pearly whites. "Waitin' 'round doing nuthin's so borin', son! Don't you go an' worry 'bout yer ol' man, I'm sure he's all fine and dandy! Entertain yer Uncle Grubba, now! We can walk 'n' talk, whatever suits yer fancy. Oh, oh! Wanna wrestle?" Grubba eagerly hopped into a staggered stance and made jazz hands. "I ain't takin' it easy on ya this time!"

Darkly ignored him. "We have a buffer, but it's disappearing. I don't know if it helps. This is a cat box. I can't see his progress at all."

**DOUR**

"Won't you show some mercy to an old man suffering from several physical maladies?" Dour called out as he hobbled forward. "Oh, my poor aching knees are flaring up something awful!"

The Phanto swooped down and tackled Dour.

"Hmph. Guess not…"

**CRIMSON**

"These dusty catacombs constitute a fair labyrinth, but the constructions of our queen are far superior in architectonics and visual splendor," the Red Bones mused as she dashed down a corridor. She had yet to reach the central chamber.

**GARF**

Key in hand, Garf sprinted recklessly through the halls, hoping to find an exit by luck. He didn't dare look behind him at the Phanto, who was rapidly catching up. Bleary-eyed from both exertion and the abnormal blurring of his peripheral vision, Garf misjudged his trajectory on a sharp ninety-degree turn and clipped his foot on the wall. Again he went down hard, chin slamming into the ground, scroll and key jolting out of his grasp.

_"We must be walking pain magnets," Garf quipped. "We both take several falls, and Gus ends up spending several hours getting buddy-buddy with a toilet. Geez. If we could go a whole week without getting a new scrape or bruise or trauma, it'd be a new record."_

Garf gingerly fingered the underside of his beak. "Oww… I can't catch a break." He paused, noticing the sudden absence of his supernatural symptoms, and eyed the key lying several feet in front of him. "Or maybe I just caught it."

**GOLDY**

"These keys are as big as me!" the Gold Fuzzy shrieked. "What kind of loony buffooneys use these?!"

Goldy glared at the hieroglyphics lining the walls, convinced they were mocking her. She already had the huge scroll attached uselessly to her right side. Grumbling, she tackled a key with the left half of her body, spawning a Phanto from the tower. "What are you supposed to be, some kinda bodiless jester? Halloween's still months away, weirdo!"

Unfazed by Goldy's barbs, the Phanto flew at her. Goldy dodged the attack, knocking several other keys over in the process.

"Meork! Get away creep! I'm not afraid of you!"

Goldy lunged and met the Phanto's next rush halfway, teeth bared threateningly. The next second, she found herself in some deserted corner of the pyramid, key no longer adhered to her person. Her face twisted in utter confusion.

**PLENN**

Plenn had the parchment partially unrolled as he ran, key lodged under his armpit. He struggled to glean information from the blueprints while simultaneously monitoring his aggressor and making sure he didn't slam into the walls.

"This is why we shopkeepers don't condone thievery," he said to no one in particular, panting.

Mistaking the unsynchronized echo of footfalls for his own, Plenn veered into a junction and narrowly avoided colliding with Tally. Both Toads quickly apologized and continued running side-by-side. A pair of Phantos flew after them.

"I can't seem to locate an exit," Tally informed him.

"Me neither," Plenn replied. He tilted his scroll toward her. "You make any sense of this fella?"

"None, unfortunately."

Looking ahead, the duo saw they were heading straight into a dead end shaft. They used their arms to soften their impacts against the far wall and then turned to face their pursuers, mumbling in resignation. In a last-ditch effort, Plenn flung his scroll, then his key at the swooping pair of Phantos, and almost also threw his helmet before he remembered himself. His projectiles didn't have the intended effect. Tally tried to duck at the last moment but was tagged on her head and teleported elsewhere. Plenn had raised his fists, but lowered them once he realized he was no longer under attack. Both Phantos had disappeared. He glanced curiously between his key and Tally's dropped one.

"Huh. Chivalry pays off after all."

**LAKI**

"Knowing my way out doesn't do me any good unless I can hold onto a key too. Let's try this again." Laki was following a planned route back to the central chamber, but stopped when he spotted something shiny in another hallway. "Sweet! Saves me half the trip!"

**SWINDELL**

Swindell found a key that, unbeknownst to him, had originally been his and then carried a while by Eve. He scooped it up and accelerated down the corridor.

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Roadblock. 'Who is ready to make great escape?' I am," Northa declared. "I like to escape last group. Safety is good, _da_."

Inngrid agreed and sent her partner on her way. Shortly after Northa entered the pyramid, someone reached one of the marked exits with a key. It unlocked with an audible "click," and the racer stepped back into the desert. A Cobrat guard handed him an envelope and closed the door again. The racer ran around the perimeter to the pyramid face with the marked entrance, where most of the non-participants were waiting.

"Yes!" Gus shouted. He stood and headed over with their backpacks. "Way to go, bro!" The twins trekked further out of the other teams' earshot before Garf opened the clue.

**GARF & GUS: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Travel by Beezo Taxi to Guyshy and locate Shy Guy Bazaar. Bring Masking Essence from The Ol' Factory to the next pit stop: HydraTion Fountain.' "

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid shots raced back across the desert to the city seen briefly in the first exposition of the day: Guyshy. This time more establishing clips played, spotlighting desert dwellers wearing colorful robes, clustered houses with Mushroom-shaped dome roofs, and tiled streets navigated by karts, motorcycles, and magic carpets.

"Teams must now travel by Beezo Taxi back to Guyshy and find Shy Guy Bazaar, the shopper's heaven that takes up a big fraction of the city."

More shots showcased a lively marketplace crammed with stalls and throngs of people. One extended shot zoomed in on a fragrance shop that, among other things, carried a rainbow of vivid incense burners crafted from glass and metals. It blended in well among the surrounding stands, but was distinguished by the yellow and red flag posted on the board bearing its name, which was written in Arabic.

"Within this maze of entrepreneurial spirit is The Ol' Factory, hailed as one of the best aromatic vendors in Subcon."

**ROUTE INFO  
Find: THE OL' FACTORY**

"Teams must obtain a popular incense called Masking Essence—"

A Snifit handed lit incense to someone off-screen. Rapid shots then weaved between sellers and shoppers to a resting area on one edge of the marketplace. A fountain with a base of Mushroom Blocks and cement stood in the center of the plaza, its centerpiece a granite statue of a fierce three-headed serpent. Each head spat streams of water instead of balls of fire.

"—and bring it to HydraTion Fountain, a monument of an evil guy that no one in Subcon actually likes. Why they built him a fountain then, I don't know, but apparently the water is filled with angry vegetables every night by local children."

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: HYDRATION FOUNTAIN**

A circle of interested bystanders, several people deep, gave the fountain and world map bathmat a wide berth as Miles strolled into frame.

"This is the pit stop for this leg of the _Race_. I'll let Garf fill you in on what everyone's _really_ interested in."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

" 'The first team to check in will win the final Express Pass and the last two teams may be eliminated,' " Garf concluded.

"That Express Pass is practically ours!" Gus exclaimed with a clenched fist. "All we need is a taxi!"

A few contestants had successfully convinced individual Beezos to stay during the Roadblock. The Robbos went around asking, but were unsuccessful recruiting any Beezos to their cause.

**SWINDELL**

Swindell smirked when he spotted an exit. He ran up to it and tried to jam the goods into the keyhole, but the key instead disappeared upon contact. Bewildered, Swindell pushed against the door to escape the Phanto that was no longer chasing him and stumbled into the sunlight. He accepted an envelope from the Cobrat and dashed back to his partner.

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Good work, Swindell!" Arfur said. "We're contenders for first right now."

"Sweet. Let's bring this bad boy home!" Swindell quickly read the Route Info. He then hopped on Arfur's shoulders and started signaling for taxis.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Ho, Plenn! A mighty fine job!" Thriff exclaimed. "You've catapulted us into the lead group!"

"Really?" Plenn noticed the dark green and blue teams nearby, trying to hail cabs. "What luck! This is our chance, fella!" He read the clue to Thriff while throwing on his backpack. "Where's our taxi?"

"Long gone." They separated themselves from the other Rogueporters and began waving at the Beezos.

_"We started the day in the back group, so we weren't expecting to have a shot at the lead," Plenn said. "I got really lucky. Right place, right time, right action. The two-for-one deal of trashing our Hazard and winning an Express Pass was suddenly a valid possibility instead of a pipe dream. We intended to go all-out to make it a reality."_

The six men procured enough drivers and set their sights on Guyshy. Plenn and Thriff were particularly vocal about beating their opponents there.

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

While Laki was occupied with the Roadblock, Mai assembled a full Beezo taxi using his railway flags. Laki escaped the pyramid as the Rogueport men prepared to depart.

"There you are!" Laki brandished his envelope as he approached his party. He opened it and informed the group of their destination.

"Pit stop bound?" Mai's excitement grew. "If we hurry, we could beat those guys and get the EP!" She turned and addressed their Beezos. "Heard of The Ol' Factory?"

They took off shortly after the leaders.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

The Crows could not communicate with their drivers in the presence of the other teams without exposing themselves. They paid their Beezos and unwillingly released them back into circulation before dealing with the Roadblock.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: My turn! Wish me luck!)" Maude dropped her backpack and journeyed into the pyramid. Flo dragged their bags through the sand to a cactus relatively secluded from the other racers and alighted on one of its arms.

**GOLDY**

Goldy bounced around in a small circle and then launched herself at the Phanto with a feral cry, aiming to slam it with her _devastating_ body mass. Once again her charge failed, and she found herself landing in some nondescript corner of the maze without a key. She hopped around in frustration.

**CRIMSON**

Crimson miscalculated her safety window. On instinct, she commanded her body to fall apart, and she tumbled to the ground in a heap of bones. The Phanto missed her skull by inches. Even with her recovery and reassembly time, she was together and moving before the Phanto attacked again. She reached a door without further incident and exited.

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Finally…" Drak said. He and the Beezo he'd entertained listened to the Route Info.

_"My army guarded a door for Madame Hooktail. The possessed masks fulfilled a similar function. Escape was a matter of observing their behavior and pinpointing a weakness. Or rather, exploiting a trigger," Crimson explained. "No defense system is infallible. Even those most well-designed have flaws." Several seconds passed before she amended that last statement. "Except ours."_

The officers soared at a decent height, riding a transitory tailwind.

"I spent an impermissible amount of time searching for the heart of the catacombs," Crimson said. "Were my efforts nevertheless sufficient to overtake anyone for the lead?"

"Our enemies left long ago…" Drak replied. "The deficit is likely too great to overcome…"

"Curses..."

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Tally rushed over to a cheering Deyn and read the clue to her. They secured a Beezo taxi and eased out of business mode once they were airborne.

"So how was it?" Deyn asked. "Spill. Give me a visual. _Tomb Raider_? _The Mummy_? _National Geographic_ documentaries?"

"Real life trumps any horror movie," Tally replied. She briefly explained what she knew about the Phantos. "That floating mask will haunt my nightmares. Masquerade parties will never be the same."

"Yikes. I'll keep my cherry Roadblock in that case, thanks."

** SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Another Block in Road," Swob said. "It's yours, Linka. Escape with force of thousand exploding Bob-ombs, SHA-BOOM!"

"I vill deliver showstoppink performance," Bobolink replied. "Ve _must_ pass someone."

She strutted into the pyramid and down the stairs, game face on as she psyched herself up. Her expression fell when the crew fastened the decidedly unfashionable bright yellow helmet onto her head.

"If zis is dream, vhy is everythink fashion nightmare…?" she muttered under her breath.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

"Hey, isn't 'The Great Escape' the name of a song?" Goom Goom wondered. "I have to make one. Time to be the great Goomdini."

"Go forth and escape! _Vous pouvez le faire_! (_Subt_.: You can do it!)" Dupree exclaimed.

While Goom Goom headed underground, Dupree wandered over to the remaining racers. Hoping to release some stress through conversation, he made a beeline specifically for the nearest female, Inngrid, who was standing with Swob. Noticing him, Inngrid narrowed her eyes and lit her braided fuse. Dupree was confused at her hostility until he remembered that his persistence in a previous encounter had earned him a lonely, cold snowy night spent longingly outside her inn. An oblivious Swob seemed puzzled when Dupree abruptly changed directions and instead removed Grubba from a still unresponsive Darkly.

"Oh, man." Goom Goom trotted down the first hallway, not appreciating the weight of his gear. The scroll hovered near where his arms would be, similarly to the Bob-ombs who had entered before him. He opened the blueprints upon reaching the first intersection. "Oh maaaaan…" He looked even more lost than before as he rolled it back up and picked a hall at random.

**EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Welcome back to the land of the living." Podley handed Eve a water bottle, which she gratefully traded for the envelope.

"Sorry I took forever," Eve said between swigs of water. "This old girl's not as agile as she used to be…"

"Nonsense. I couldn't see what went on, but I'm sure you performed to the best of your ability. I can't ask for more." He stopped himself from analyzing how earnest and cheesy his assurances sounded and read the Route Info. Lurking in the shadows nearby, Darkly listened.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SHY GUY BAZAAR**

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: Entrepreneurs  
PLENN & THRIFF: Store Owner Brothers  
GARF & GUS: Robbo Bodyguard Twins  
LAKI & MAI: Train Enthusiasts**

Split-screen shots displayed the four teams arriving at different edges of the marketplace. Fairies and all manners of desert-dwellers filled the streets. Distant oud music provided a faint underlayer to the indistinct buzz of conversations and shouted advertisements.

"Blimey! Feast your eyes upon all these stalls!" Thriff exclaimed in amazement.

Gus' initial reaction was much different. "How the heck are we supposed to find anything with all these people around?"

Lacking better methods, the teams ran around asking directions from anyone who would listen.

"The Ol' Factory?" Swindell shouted. "Anyone, where's The Ol' Factory?"

"Uh, there are some rundown factories in the next town over," a Pokey replied.

Garf rechecked the clue. "That doesn't sound right." Gus slapped his forehead.

The orange team found The Ol' Factory first.

"Is this it?" Laki looked at the signboard. "There's a flag."

They passed through the horseshoe arch and met the shop's owner, a Snifit wearing gray robes. He handed them a yellow and red incense burner shaped like a magic lamp.

"Thanks! This is so cool." Mai cradled the burner in her hands. "And it smells great!"

In a different part of the bazaar, the green team stumbled upon another pertinent location. Although the crowd obstructed their view at eye level, the two giant three-headed serpents—one red and organic, the other his stone lookalike—towering over everyone's heads were a visible giveaway.

"That must be the pit stop!" Plenn said. "Oooh, and we don't have the right item in our inventory!"

"We'll find it!" Thriff replied. They increased their aggressiveness in maneuvering through the masses.

Swindell's face perked up as he accepted and sniffed the Masking Essence. "This stuff was made for me!"

"Now to find HydraTion Fountain," Arfur said.

Plenn and Thriff's search for the stall proved unsuccessful, but by coincidence, they crossed paths with Laki and Mai in a crowded street. Thriff spotted the incense burner in Mai's possession.

"Where'd you find it?" Thriff asked desperately. Plenn echoed something similar.

Both Laki and Mai shook their heads, apologized, and made to run off past them.

"Hold up, let's make a deal!" Plenn blurted out. "You tell us where The Ol' Factory is, we tell you where the pit stop is!"

"Plenn—" began Thriff.

"It's too late for us to win, there's no way," Plenn said quickly. Thriff seemed poised to argue, but ultimately stood down.

Mai exchanged a skeptical glance with Laki. "Uh, okay. We're listening."

_"Initially our reaction was like, 'Are you for real right now?' " Laki recalled. "First place is up for grabs, so why are you telling us this? Naturally, we thought they were lying. Problem was, from what we knew of 'em, Plenn and Thriff seem like really honest guys." He shrugged. "We didn't have any other leads about the pit stop, so we trusted them and went with it."_

Common sense dictated that the direction each team came from was the general direction of their disclosed location. Each pair added details to the intel, referable landmarks on streets it vaguely remembered passing through. Then, both went their separate ways.

_"It was only a matter of time until Malaki found the fountain," Plenn asserted. "They're smart kids. Our barter simply expedited both of our arrivals. Better to accept our loss early and position ourselves for another shot in the next leg instead of prolonging an unprofitable endeavor."_

_ "I'm still not completely sold," Thriff said. "Logically, I get it. But I believe we should've pursued that slim chance. There was still room for everyone else to get lost."_

_ "I didn't like doing it either, but it seemed like the most productive option at the time."_

_ "I don't know… All I _do_ know is that you opening your mouth definitely changed the game."_

Laki and Mai learned the brothers were telling the truth as they pushed through a particularly dense region of onlookers to the pit stop setup. Laki pumped his hands in a raise the roof gesture as they leapt onto the world map.

"Welcome—"  
"—to—"  
"—Ssssssubcon," Tryclyde's three heads greeted, baring their fangs in crude misrepresentations of smiles. Laki and Mai thanked him, looking somewhat weirded out.

"Laki and Mai?" Miles paused. The train enthusiasts smiled hopefully. "Yep, you're team number _ONE_!"

**LAKI & MAI: 1****st**** Place**

They caught each other in an embrace and celebrated joyfully.

"For coming in first, you've won the third and final Express Pass." Miles handed the card to a grinning Laki, who stored it in their fanny pack. "In addition, for winning the first leg of the _Race_, you've won 5,000 coins. Each!" Predictably, the duo burst into another round of celebrations. "Courtesy of Lakitu Air!"

"My people!" Laki whooped.

"Thanks be to your people!" Mai laughed.

Miles beckoned the next team, who'd arrived during his speech, onto the mat. "Swindell and Arfur? Team number two!"

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: 2****nd**** Place**

The entrepreneurs high-fived each other and the victors. Before the top two moved out, the other two teams burst into the plaza and stampeded onto the mat.

"Garf and Gus, you're the fourth team to arrive, but due to Plenn and Thriff's Hazard, you're officially team number three. Plenn and Thriff, that makes you number four."

**GARF & GUS: 3****rd**** Place  
PLENN & THRIFF: 4****th**** Place**

Gus, Plenn, and Thriff were particularly disappointed, but masked it well as they exchanged congratulations with the others.

"First leg, and the top spots are dominated by those born and raised in Rogueport," Miles observed. "Is there already an alliance in this group?"

Laki glanced over at the Toad Brothers. "Not that I know of."

"We're all just strong teams. We proved that by performing well this leg," Arfur answered, his arms slung over Swindell and Plenn's shoulders. "It might be early to call this, but I honestly think we're all finalist material."

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up the Final Four," Garf agreed.

"Rogueport spirit all the way," Swindell added.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_"Season 3, Episode 10," Maude recited. "The pyramid Roadblock was similar to the Detour where they took treasure chests from a sunken ship and brought them to a key. Except in our case, we took the key instead. Thank goodness!"_

Maude literally flew through the hallways, scroll clenched in her talons and key clutched in her beak. She maintained an agile pace that left leeway for maneuverability; the common ninety-degree turns were difficult to take safely at high speeds. Every so often, she dropped the key when she felt her pursuer encroaching too closely into her personal space.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: You are very, very scary,)" Maude told the Phanto as it retreated after one such instance. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Please leave me alone.)"

_"Scarecrows can't hold a candle to those mask things," she continued. "And scarecrows are creeeeeepy. So that's saying something."_

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: I barely escaped with my life!)" Maude said dramatically as she hopped out of the pyramid. The Cobrat gave her a funny look.

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: And the great Merlin works her legendary magic!)" Flo exclaimed, wings raised to the skies. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: How'd you finish so quickly?)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Fear is a wonderful motivator,)" Maude hinted before reading the clue.

**DOUR**

Dour had tucked the large scroll under his walking stick arm and held the key in his other hand. He dallied too long at a junction trying to reconcile his mental layout of the pyramid and was again caught by a Phanto.

"Tarnations and diddley-dangits…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

The gray team's natural charisma commanded enough respect from random shoppers to yield decent directions. Wading through crammed mobs came naturally to them, so their arrival at the check-in area was straightforward and efficient.

"Drak and Crimson? You're team number five!"

**DRAK & CRIMSON: 5****th**** Place**

Neither skeleton reacted at first. Finally, Drak said, "We tolerate nothing less than perfection… This is already a blemish on our record…"

"Guess you'll just have to _live_ with it then, eh?" Miles teased. The undead cousins glared at him, Crimson adding a roll of the eyes for good measure.

Sliding scene transition. The pink team dropped their backpacks and giddily hopped onto the mat.

"Tally and Deyn? You're team number six!"

Cheering lightly, the college roommates hugged in celebration.

**TALLY & DEYN: 6****th**** Place**

"Standing here in this lovely marketplace with pleasant incense in hand, my best friend at my side, and an opportunity to continue to the next leg? It's a beautiful day," Tally said.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Remaining grave robbers Dour, Goldy, Northa, Bobolink, and Goom Goom scrambled through the maze. Dour periodically stopped to catch his breath.

_"By the time I got there, all the keys had been carried out of the room. It was like arriving at a party and realizing everyone had already hit the town without you," Goom Goom explained. "I didn't pass any on my way in, which was really messed up. That cost me loads of time, 'cause I didn't have a clue what I was looking for." _

"Third time is charm, _da_?" Northa said optimistically. "Exploding does not work. Clobbering is ineffective. I must conquer by outrunning."

She charged through the corridors with the speed and grace of a snow fairy, scroll hovering at her left side. Before too long she found another key, as well as another competitor. Spooked from her first encounter with a Phanto, Bobolink crouched near the key, hesitant to pick it up. The model jumped at Northa's approach, but relaxed at the sight of a friendly face.

"Greetings, Linka."

"It is you. I zought you vere one of zem."

"_Nyet_. I am not having luck against them. You like to work together so we two can finish?"

"_Da_, very much. Zis air is dank and disgustink." After a moment of thought, Bobolink visibly brightened. "Vhy did I not zink of it before? Ve only need one key for door."

"Simple and ingenious, _da_?" Northa grabbed the key and winced at the onset of the paranormal symptoms. "Stay with me. We play hot potato."

**GOLDY**

"MEORK! I feel like such a dumb-dumb!" Goldy exclaimed. She bounced up and down before a panel of hieroglyphics that clearly depicted how to lose and even defeat a Phanto. "It's so obvious now! Only klutzy cuckoos or those with watches can escape! I have to play stupid like the Neanderthals from hundreds of years ago!" Her giant eyes rolled at this groundbreaking revelation before she went off in search of another key.

**NORTHA / BOBOLINK**

Like a passing drill, the Bob-omb Buddies sporadically tossed the key back and forth as they ran, Northa holding back to accommodate Bobolink's slower pace. The constant exchanges staved off the Phanto's approach, as if it needed time to recalibrate its homing capabilities.

"An exit!" Northa shouted in relief.

On her next turn, Bobolink kept the key and sprinted forward. She fumbled to align it with the lock, but much to her surprise, the key simply vanished on contact. To Northa's eyes, both Bobolink and the key disappeared through a closed door.

Outside, Bobolink wordlessly took the envelope and ran.

"Huh? I…do not understand." Northa checked the exit herself. It was locked. "This has no sense. What…?" Baffled, she skimmed over her Roadblock clue again and then hurried back into the depths of the pyramid.

** SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"You did it! Good job, SHA-POW!" Swob leaned in to peck Bobolink on the cheek, but she didn't notice as she opened and read the clue. He wished Inngrid luck before joining his girlfriend in the taxi search.

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

" 'bout time, pard! I was considerin' sendin' a search 'n' rescue team after ya," Grubba said. "Didja get lost?"

"As if," Goldy scoffed. "I had a sicko pervert chasing me the whole time!" Grubba discreetly peeked over at Dupree, confused. "I had to make some unexpected detours to make him drop his stupid game of tag!"

"Uh-huh. Welp, that's acceptable I s'pose! Can't win this baby if my sidekick goes and gets herself scarred fer life!"

"Too late for that," Goldy muttered under her breath. After she read the clue to Grubba, they began waving down Beezos.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Holding hands, the purple team squeezed through the curious audience and took center stage at the pit stop.

"Eve and Podley? You're team number seven!"

**EVE & PODLEY: 7****th**** Place**

"Oh, thank you so much for the good news. What a relief," Eve said. She platonically kissed Podley on the cheek. "Wonderful job today, my dear."

Podley squeezed her hand. "To you as well."

Flipping scene transition. The violet team scurried up to the fountain, body language indicating readiness to flee at the sight of Tryclyde. Flo held the incense burner awkwardly in her mouth and set it down as soon as she hit the mat.

"Flo and Maude?" Miles paused. "You're team number eight!"

**FLO & MAUDE: 8****th**** Place**

The moms rejoiced with the same intensity as when they won their Express Pass.

"You started today in the lead," Miles said. "What happened? How'd you fall out of the front group?"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: Oh, the _Race_ is so much harder in person! All our preparations couldn't prepare us for actually _being_ here. Running the _Race_ and watching it are two entirely different beasts!)" Flo replied.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: I also think we weren't at the top of our game today. We're still learning. There's lots of room for improvement.)" Maude added.

Miles blinked. "Uh. Okay, sure. We'll go with that, whatever you just said."

All three of Tryclyde's heads looked simultaneously confused and appetized by the petite squawking _hors d'oeuvres_.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

The last store owner remaining in the field came across a dropped key and escaped using a one-person game of catch. Inngrid read the Route Info for her and exploded to signal for a taxi.

"It was hard." Northa was seated on her Beezo's head, resting her feet. "Did Linka escape safely?"

"_Da_. Minutes back before you," Inngrid replied. "You saw her in Roadblock?"

"_Da_." Northa described their collaboration and its strange results.

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

Screaming hysterically, a disheveled Goom Goom scampered out of the pyramid and slammed the door shut behind him. Noticing the nearby Cobrat, he quickly composed himself with an embarrassed giggle, accepted the clue, and rendezvoused with Dupree.

"We're still in the bottom two after I went through all that?" Goom Goom said. "Man, this sucks!"

"We are not een last. Pass one and we are safe for sure!" Dupree reminded him. They read their clue and hailed a squadron with great urgency.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Oh, badness," Dour cursed when he saw his grandson standing in the pyramid's shadow. Aside from the company of four Beezos, they were alone. "Sorry. It seems I'm not very good at this…"

"Don't count us out yet, Grandpa. We're not too far behind." Darkly's tone was reassuring, but his face was grim. He took the clue and blew through reading it.

"Could you please repeat that? I didn't catch everything."

"Podley let me know what's going down. We're solid."

"I see… Lead the way then."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

A montage of immersive shots reintroduced the congested, confusing streets of Shy Guy Bazaar.

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"Ve need Maskingk Essence!" Bobolink shouted.

"Where can we buy Masking Essence, SHA-BAM?" Swob boomed.

Their commotion attracted much more attention than that of previous teams. Passersby guided them to a stall, where they haggled with the Snifit owner. Bobolink's modeling allure earned them a hefty discount. Swob grabbed the container, and they set off in search of HydraTion Fountain.

First-person camera shots swam through the pit stop crowd before swiveling to reveal the next arrivals. Leaping onto the world map, Grubba hollered in exhilaration. Miles mimicked him before making his announcement. "Grubba and Goldy! You're team number nine!"

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: 9****th**** Place**

"Hoo-WEE! Well ain't that a hootin', hollerin' coincidence? Nine's my lucky number!" Grubba exclaimed. "Course, number one's the luckiest!"

Some undisclosed time after the yellow team vacated the plaza, the brown team pushed its way in.

"Welcome—"  
"—to—"  
"—Sssssubcon!"

Swob stared up at the Hydra in unabashed wonder, eyes twinkling. "Oh, I understand now! It makes sense! Subcon comes from 'subconscious,' SHA-WHOMP!"

Bobolink stiffened, stifling the urge to turn and flay him alive with scathing comments. Tryclyde's heads stared in wonder of their own.

Miles pointedly scanned the couple for a few seconds before asking, "Do you have the Masking Essence, as specified by the clue?"

"_Da_, right here!" Swob presented the object he was holding.

It was a stick of deodorant.

After a moment of disbelief, Miles visibly struggled to keep himself from laughing. "That sure masks someone's essence, but it's not what we're looking for." The couple's relief instantly evaporated, replaced by panic and confusion. "You'll have to bring the correct Masking Essence before I can check you in."

"But ve bought zis from stall!" Bobolink protested.

"It's not the right 'masking essence,' " Miles repeated.

The Bob-ombs scrambled away from the pit stop in a haze of stupefaction. Swob used his duffel bag as a makeshift bulldozer blade to help clear people from their path.

Upon rechecking the clue, Bobolink cried out in frustration. "Masking Essence is actual incense!"

"I thought it was metaphor, SHA-BLAM!" Swob said.

**DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

"C'mon, Grandpa. I know you're tired, but you need to push. Leave it all out here." Darkly, carrying the incense burner and all their bags, darted from shadow to shadow. Gaps in the crowd that admitted him frequently closed before Dour reached them. Dour took care not to accidentally hit anyone with his walking stick, instead slowly paving his way with a croaked, soft-spoken loop of "excuse me."

_"We couldn't outrun them," Darkly deadpanned. "Grandpa was exhausted from the Roadblock. We had to be the first ones to find it."_

_"We could outrun them," Goom Goom said. "As long as we stayed with the pack, we could overtake someone at the last second and be safe."_

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Business Comrades**

"You do not know? We give you thanks anyway," Northa said.

Unlike most teams before them, the navy blue team employed a quieter, more personal approach to obtaining directions. None of their informers had given anything concrete, however.

"Swob, Linka!" Northa called out, spotting their fellow Fahr Outpost team. "Have you found perfume? Where is Ol' Factory?"

"It is zat vay, back there!" Bobolink replied. "Ve are goink to ze pit stop!"

"Oh, we give you thanks!" Northa said.

"_Oui_, _merci_!" Dupree said as he and Goom Goom suddenly darted past. Northa yelped and chased them. Inngrid glanced suspiciously at the item in Swob's grasp before following her teammate.

"Ve cannot vaste time now!" Bobolink told Swob. "Zere is no room for error, everyone must be here!"

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors**

"Zees is such torture, rusheeng past so many beautiful _mademoiselles_ without even sayeeng 'allo!" Dupree faux-sobbed dramatically. Overhearing this, many females in the vicinity cleared the path.

"Wrong time!" Goom Goom reminded him.

"I know!"

The pair weaved hurriedly through the crowds, relying solely on Bobolink's vague hint. They looked every which way, expecting a _Race_ flag to mark their destination, but soon came across something different.

"Hey, what's that up ahead?" Goom Goom asked. "Doesn't that look like…a snake?"

"Ah, zee pit stop! _Sacre bleu_! We 'ave been tricked!" Dupree exclaimed. They turned and raced to retrace their steps. "Zee most beautiful of zem all 'as such a serpentine tongue!"

Elsewhere along the road, Northa and Inngrid had already reversed direction.

"I know she is lying," Inngrid insisted heatedly. "She is concerned with saving her fuse only!"

"I trust your instinct," Northa said. "But we need exact location also!"

**DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

"We're getting closer. I can feel it." Darkly guided Dour by the shoulder, propelling him along at a brisk walk. He constantly checked the streets behind them.

Split-screen shots showed Swob and Bobolink, Northa and Inngrid, and Dupree and Goom Goom obtaining Masking Essence at separate times and then hustling back toward HydraTion Fountain. The bachelors proved surprisingly adept at anticipating thin areas in the crowd, allowing them to close the gap considerably. Simultaneously, the business comrades' conditioning helped them make up ground on the on-and-off dating couple.

"We are catcheeng zem!" Dupree exclaimed.

"The boys," Northa gasped, sighting an unmistakable purple afro bobbing after them.

"Out of ze vay!" Bobolink began shouting with renewed vigor.

"Great. Everyone's right behind us." Darkly propelled the mayor forward, forcing him into a harried jog. "Run, Grandpa!"

"This is too much," Dour wheezed.

It was like a chase scene straight out of an action movie. Now fully aware of each other's presence, the teams threw their manners to the wind and barreled recklessly through the streets, regularly bumping shoulders with unaware locals. Shoppers who heard and heeded the ruckus actively tried to get out of the way. Before long, the teams converged on the seemingly impenetrable mass surrounding the fountain. They wiggled through and charged the mat like rapid-fire rounds shot into a target. Miles and Tryclyde wisely stepped back. Dupree had limited room to stop and accidentally knocked Darkly, Swob, Bobolink, and Inngrid to the ground. He apologized and pulled Darkly and Swob to their feet, but the women angrily shunned his assistance.

An amused Tryclyde welcomed everyone. Miles accounted for all four Masking Essence burners. He held the group in suspense for a few moments before addressing them one-by-one.

"Swob and Bobolink? You were the tenth team to arrive. However, because of your Hazard, you are demoted one spot. The eleventh team to arrive was Dour and Darkly. Officially, that makes Dour and Darkly and Swob and Bobolink teams ten and eleven."

**DOUR & DARKLY: 10****th**** Place  
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 11****th**** Place**

Dour and Bobolink collapsed against their respective partners in relief.

"Dupree and Goom Goom. You're the second-to-last team to arrive."

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 12****th**** Place**

Goom Goom bit his lip and looked up at the host with pleading eyes.

"I'm…pleased to say that this is not a double-elimination leg. You're safe!"

Dupree hugged his short teammate in subdued celebration. All eyes turned to the final pair.

"Northa and Inngrid. You're the last team to arrive."

**NORTHA & INNGRID: Last Place**

Both Bob-omb Buddies nodded solemnly. Inngrid shook with fatigue and thinly concealed fury.

"And unfortunately, this _is_ a single-elimination leg. Sorry. You've been eliminated from the _Race_."

Inngrid seemed on the verge of exploding, but her teammate calmed her down. Northa looked over at the blonde model with a hurt, disapproving gaze.

"You misled us. It hurts, Linka."

"I did vhat I had to do," Bobolink replied.

Neither Northa nor Inngrid acknowledged her further as they exchanged goodbyes with the other racers.

_"World is great big place. It was honor being part of _Race_ around world, even if it was only dream," Inngrid said. "No snowy wasteland as far as eye sees. We traveled, saw wonderful places, made new friends, did unbelievable things. Experience of lifetime."_

_"It was dream come true," Northa said. "I just wish it lasted longer."_

Dupree enthusiastically held his arms out for a hug. Inngrid hesitated, but relented. After Dupree held long past what was comfortable, Inngrid shoved him away.

_"Many kind people welcomed and helped us along way," Northa said. "I will remember them and keep in heart always."_

_"Unpleasant interactions also sadly part of memory. We will boycott Linka's next line unless something very cute is there," Inngrid added. "Her betrayal felt personal. Maybe we forgive and forget with time."_

"I am glad we did this together," Northa said, leaning toward Inngrid in a gesture reminiscent of a side hug.

"_Da_. I as well."

_"We have learned nothing new about each other. We are childhood friends. _Race_ reaffirmed what we already knew," Northa said. "We are good team, in business and in life. We will grow old together and be friends forever."_

With light applause, the crowd parted for the business comrades. Northa reached into the fanny pack and flashed some of their remaining coins at Inngrid, who nodded eagerly. They ventured back toward the heart of the bazaar and disappeared from sight.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_"This season, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated, "four dimensions, two timelines, and six galaxies."_

Flash cuts hinted at future locations, including a sprawling tropical mall, an endless ocean bound by distant mountains, a freestanding bell tower, a ravaged town with crater-filled streets, rapids flowing by an upside-down tree, a skull-shaped castle, and the Statue of Liberty.

"Come one, come all, and see the show of a lifetime!"

_"The teams' pursuit of one million coins is anything but straightforward."_

" 'Caution: U-Turn ahead!' "

"I'm not budging from this spot until you get your act together!"

"Who wins the _Race_ is who crosses the finish line first! Not who 'deserves' it most!"

"He drove off with all our bags!"

"Will you marry me?"

The final shot in the sneak-peek montage showed the hosts welcoming two running figures to the Finish Line in Fahr Outpost.

_"Next time, teams shoulder the root of all evil."_

"Cha-ching, hands off my bling!" Arfur joked.

Gus let some gold coins fall through his fingers. "This is our destiny."

_ "Another heights challenge has several racers reeling."_

Someone jumped off a floating island and deployed a gigantic umbrella.

"How is this safe?" Mai asked. "This isn't exactly the world of Mary Poppins."

"I'm not doink it!" Bobolink screamed fearfully.

_"And Flo and Maude's strategy faces its first major wrench."_

The Crows stood on a yellow mat. An obscured yellow sign was directly behind them.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Subt_.: People are coming, what do we do?)" Flo asked frantically.

_"All this and more on Episode 2: 'All Sunshine and Rainbows.' Be there."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**Author's Notes**_ (July 20, 2013): Whoo, an update almost three weeks late! My bad, guys. I belatedly realized that allocating Day 2—including a Detour and a Roadblock—to Part 3 was essentially writing a full-length episode for _thirteen_ teams. Ouch. I was aiming for ~15,000 words, so I actually did cut some scenes. (To put this in context, Season 3's shortest episode was just below 20,000.) My reasoning for jamming many tasks into Leg 1 is that I like giving the first boots a "full" _Race_ experience. Every challenge also established or solidified groundwork for future character-related plot points, which I'm really excited about.

When I decided to do this season, I told myself to consciously make character consistency a major focus. To that end, at some point in 2012, I played back through _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ and collected dialogue for this cast for future reference. For example, I have Grubba's complete quote bank and Gus' post-beating reactions to Mario for all eight chapters. Many characters, even with relatively little (Drak/Crimson, Flo/Maude, Deyn) to no (interpreted!Bobolink) dialogue or Tattle text, still presented strong persona and plot ideas. However, for Northa/Inngrid, I couldn't see myself doing much with what they offered, and I had the most difficult time finding their voice when writing their scenes. Two major strikes that, from a writer's standpoint, result in their being eliminated first. (From a _Race_ standpoint, had they initially chosen Plants, I could see them being safe. In a previous draft of the season pre-Subcon, they even survived a couple more legs. Bobolink was a primary factor in their ouster back then as well, though.) The Bombshells will have the last laugh on me, because their screentime does not end here.

Subcon's World 1-1 and World 2 (_Super Mario Bros. 2_/_Super Mario Advance_) provided the leg's main backdrop with a last-minute appearance by Shy Guy Bazaar (_Mario Kart 7_). The Potions requirements drew from the availability of Mushrooms (_Super Mario Bros. 2_) and Yoshi Eggs (_Super Mario Advance_) in Subspace. Veteran players may have raised a brow at my using a Phanto-spawning tower in the Roadblock, as this is unfaithful to the games. Sorry, I couldn't resist. That was my inner Tower Defense nerd crying for attention. Whoops, haha.

Originally an extra route marker existed in Guyshy before the teams went to Panser Farms, but that filler was scrapped. The Detour also had different specifications, including collecting coins in Potions and harvesting specific quantities of certain vegetables in Plants, but these were relaxed.

To the best of my knowledge, birds have different cooling mechanisms than other animals. Whereas most have sweating, birds have gular fluttering, in which they open their mouths and vibrate a throat membrane to increase evaporation. This, as well as lactose intolerance (referenced in Part 2), applies to Flo/Maude and Garf/Gus.

Thank you for reading, and an extra-special thank you to those who also reviewed and/or added this story to their favorites/alerts! To **Bad Asp**, **Princess Toady**, **Tom Nooke**, **DryBonesKing**, **DarkReconz**, and **SSBFreak**—thank you for the compliments and for sharing some of your thoughts with me. I really appreciate the feedback!

Fingers crossed for an update within the month? Until then!


	4. Episode 1 Extras

_**Author's Notes**_ (August 1, 2013): One thing CBS does that I absolutely love is the inclusion of extra clips. Scenes that give additional screen time, information on behind-the-scenes events, insight into behavior. Taxi rides, airports, interviews. Fresh perspectives of teams outside the heat of the moment. As you may have figured out, the production aspects fascinate me nearly as much as the show itself. Anything that adds more dimensions to what we see on TV. And so, in line with that, I've decided to provide some of the same for this story.

Returning readers may have noticed I cut down on the wordy third person omniscient style that became so prevalent in late _AR3:PM:TTYD_. Getting into characters' heads is good, but it's often also good to let them speak for themselves. Well, I've experimented with it again in some of the following scenes. Given Leg 1's chronological order of events, several opportunities came up to explore character plots that would be difficult to replicate later in the _Race_ with third person limited during standard episodes.

None of the following is necessarily required reading. Events central to the plot will likely be well-discussed in the main story. But there are some fun scenes down below. Promise!

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 1: "A Dream Come True"  
Extras**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Day 1  
1.1.1: "The Rapids"  
1.1.2: "Hazardous Position"  
1.1.3: "Shop Owners Unite"  
1.1.4: "Toad Talk"  
1.1.5: "The Ninji Theater Troupe"  
1.1.6: "Purehearted Eve"  
1.1.7: "Team Twilight"  
1.1.8: "Wide Awake"

Day 2  
1.2.1: "The Name Game"  
1.2.2: "A Whole New World"  
1.2.3: "Control Freak"  
1.2.4: "Mat Chat 1"  
1.2.5: "Mat Chat 2"  
1.2.6: "Mat Chat 3"

Post-Leg 1  
1.3.1: "Excess Express Pass"  
1.3.2: "For Whom the Bell Tolls"  
1.3.3: "Drop It Like It's Hot"  
1.3.4: "Mystery Moms"  
1.3.5: "Birds of a Feather"  
1.3.6: "Northa and Inngrid Say _Do Svidaniya_"

Elimination Station  
1.4.1: Elimination Station via Subcon

Post-Race  
1.5.1: Northa & Inngrid's Interview with _The Real Mushroom Kingdom_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.1: "The Rapids"**

"Holy cow, this looks scary."

Goom Goom winced as Drak toppled into the far river and disappeared over the waterfall. In the blink of an eye, the Dark Bones reappeared in the nearby log bridges queue, fully assembled.

"Not to mention totally whack."

"Do not worry! Eet eez probably much easier zan eet looks!" Dupree said with obvious false bravado. His legs were shaking slightly.

Cue Bobolink screaming as she fell into the water.

"Man, I sure hope so," Goom Goom said.

Dupree suggested rock-paper-scissors to decide who went first. He automatically lost because Goom Goom had no hands.

"Rock breaks scissors! Yes, I chose rock! You just can't see it!"

They eventually found themselves at the front of the line for their first attempts. Dupree stepped onto a log and held his arms out for balance. While he waited, Goom Goom began talking into his clip-on microphone to distract himself.

"These logs remind of this big old rickety wooden bridge back on Keelhaul Key. Kinda unstable-looking, sways in the wind. Cliché thing you see in movies with uncivilized deserted islands. It's between these two really high cliffs."

Goom Goom came across as a very animated speaker due to his cartoonish face. His bushy eyebrows wiggled frequently in a duet with his expressive voice.

"And like, the slats have these huge gaps between them. You see the ocean below, and it's a looooong way down. Scared the crap out of me, so I always used the other way."

He ran his eyes along the length of a log bridge, then down to the river running beneath it.

"But at least it had rope vines for handrails. Guardrails in my case. Whatev. This doesn't, so it's automatically ten times scarier."

Naturally, his gaze followed the river's course. Over to the waterfall.

"Make that a hundred times scarier. A thousand."

Crimson finished crossing her log bridge. Production gave Goom Goom the go-ahead.

"…I think I've psyched myself out here. Man…"

He checked to make sure the harness for the third-person camera was secure. Then, he took a deep breath and hopped onto a log.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.2: "Hazardous Position"**

Plenn and Thriff were sitting inside a wooden hut with a thatched roof for a mid-leg interview. Thriff had washed his face and changed out of his sullied shirt and vest. He looked like a normal resident of the village due to his bushy mustache and outdoorsy body tones.

"We're simply relieved we weren't eliminated," Plenn replied. "With our shops tying us down, we've barely had time to travel. We went through all the trouble of closing our shops just for this and buying our backpacks and matching clothes and visas and what-have-you. Having our _Race_ end at Twilight Town would've been a major disappointment."

"Aye. Short and bittersweet," Thriff added.

"Plus," Plenn threw an arm around his brother's shoulder, "this fella and I don't get to spend time together anymorer. It was a strange change. When we opened the Toad Bros. Bazaar, we were together almost twenty-four-seven. Rose with the sun, ate the same sandwiches, did inventory on late nights, and fished on the weekends. Then suddenly he's opening his own shop across the sea and I feel like I've lost my other half."

"Brother, please. The way you're talking about us, we sound like a separated old married couple."

"Come on, fella. No harm in laying things out like they were."

Thriff grumbled good-naturedly. "Missed you too."

"The point stands. We really want this time to re-bond and share an adventure seeing and doing things we've never had time for. We aim to run this all the way to the end, and the Hazard isn't going to stop us."

"Aye."

The interviewer prompted them about the start line challenge. Plenn thought for a moment before speaking.

"Honestly, I don't know what we could have done differently. We didn't know the answer. We were guessing the whole time. Bandwagoning off the other fellas when they seemed confident and outrunning them to the mat. Obviously, that didn't work. It was just a big mess and a lot of chaos."

"I got the impression most teams were as clueless as we were," Thriff added. "If our grabby hands had been a tad luckier, we could've been safe and someone else would be sitting in this position. But that's neither here nor there."

Naturally, a follow-up question pertained to their future gameplay with the Hazard.

"Our strategy is pretty simple," Plenn replied. "Keep a position to avoid failure or achieve success. When in the back, avoid getting caught at or below third-to-last. When near the front, go for first."

Swob and Bobolink sat inside a similar structure for their interview. Swob had polished his face clean and removed his ushanka. Bobolink styled a plaid black and white tartan scarf and a matching braid tie simply to look good.

"With name like Hazard, I thought new twist was dangerous stunt like bungee jumping! I want to bungee jump, SHA-WHAM!" Swob exclaimed. "Much more fun!"

"_Nyet_." Bobolink shook her head. "Ve do not need more heights. I vill pass."

Their interviewer asked them about the tasks between the start line and the overnight check-in. Bobolink immediately became wound up.

"Zat old man vas strugglink badly on ze rivers. It vas absolute miracle he finished vhen he did," she replied. "Zeir evil vitch powers zen found zem zeir coin right after zey reached cave."

"I thought only girls are witches, SHA-DUHM!"

"Vhatever. Zey vould not have caught up if he had taken longer. Gettink beaten by him is embarrasink!"

Compared to the Toad Bros., their solution to the Hazard problem was more concrete.

"Fast Forward is highest priority," Bobolink replied. "Zat trump card cannot be saved now. Ve use first time it appears, vin leg, remove Hazard. Easy fix."

"_Da_. Longer we stay in _Race_, fewer teams, more dangerous Hazard becomes," Swob agreed. "We must blow up handicap ASAP, SHA-DOOM!"

"First leg might not have Fast Forward. Ve vill use all other resources and do anything to ensure short-term survival."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.3: "Shop Owners Unite"**

"Blow me down, six coins for an Ice Storm?" Thriff sounded floored. "That's a sixty p—er. What a low price!"

"Demand is low, supply is high," Northa explained. "Ineffective on most in snowy region."

"Interesting," Plenn said.

The owners and operators of the Toad Bros. Bazaar, Keelhaul Key Galleria, and Northwinds Mart discussed their trade while lounging against some trees. Arfur, previously an aspiring shop owner himself, had joined the circle and was taking mental notes.

"So what's your story?" Plenn asked Northa. "Did you make yours from scratch too?"

"_Nyet_," Northa replied. "Ancestors pioneered Northwinds Trading Post. Responsibilities handed down through generations. We built current Northwinds Mart when I was little. I apprenticed under parents and took over at coming of age."

"Wow. Did you ever consider doing anything besides your family business?" Arfur asked.

"…_Da_. I like cooking, pottery, and glassblowing. But I am only child. Village needed me to fulfill family role to function. Inngrid is similar."

"Oooh, harsh. Gee, at least Thriff and I were able to choose this life," Plenn said.

"We'd wanted to open a shop since we were young," Thriff elaborated. "Sorry to hear that you were forced into it."

"It is okay. I enjoy it, _da_. Customers always nice, days are pleasant. I have spare time to enjoy hobbies. I am happy. That is what matters."

The others nodded in agreement.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.4: "Toad Talk"**

"I am soooo glad you guys were cast," Mai admitted as she idly braided Tally's long hair. "I was scared we'd have no one to really _talk_ to. Some of these guys looked a bit rough around the edges."

"I knew I wasn't the only one who thought that," Deyn said.

"She was talking about you," Laki cut in. Deyn laughed and huffed in mock indignation.

"You find our overuse of pink threatening?" Tally giggled.

"Extremely," Laki replied. "It assaults my masculinity and burns my eyes."

"Says the fella wearing the carrot orange hoodie that can be spotted a mile away," Plenn teased.

"It was the only one I could find anywhere!"

The group laughed in understanding. Production's decision to color-code the teams this season had made packing needlessly difficult. Complying with both primary and secondary color assignments had resulted in a less-than-desirable limited wardrobe for some contestants.

"Anyway, I'm surprised I've never met you two"—Mai waved a hand at the Toad Bros.—"and the guys from East Rogueport before. It's like I've lived in a bubble."

"Yeah, it's weird," Laki said. "No offense, but for non-Westerners, you're all super-chill and approachable. Not at all what I was expecting."

Plenn and Thriff shared a knowing look. Back at the height of the turf war between the Pianta Syndicate and the Robbo Gang, the frequent clashes in Rogueport Square often drove away business from the Toad Bros. Bazaar. On several occasions after such fights, the brothers had discovered noticeable chunks of supplies missing from their inventory. They never found enough evidence to neither confirm nor dispel their suspicions, but the uncanny timing was enough for them to form their own conclusions. This underlying history had affected their first official interactions with Garf and Gus earlier in the day, and the twins' aloof, wary demeanors did not help matters.

However, both men sensed that sharing such theories with their new friends so early would have been inappropriate. They accepted the compliment.

"All the cordiality will disappear soon enough," Tally said teasingly.

"Yeah, when we open our clues tomorrow morning, we'll all turn into soulless savages." Deyn nodded sagely.

"Ah, we'll worry about all that when the time comes," Mai giggled. "I've been dying to ask you two something. Who're the lucky ones?"

Tally and Deyn blinked owlishly.

"I was wondering that myself," Thriff said. "Told Plenn, 'Looks like they left their rings at home for safekeeping.' "

"Seriously. There is no way you two are single!" Mai exclaimed. "Like, just look at you! Half a leg in and still looking like you're ready for a night out on the town!"

Deyn skillfully used that prompt to segue into discussing how much makeup and hair products were in their backpacks.

"Crimson asked me that question as well," Tally said, smiling.

"Wait, what?" Laki looked at her quizzically.

Plenn guffawed. "Did she bring any?"

"No. She commented on how much lighter her backpack was without any."

"We can totally hook her up!" Mai laughed. "Enlist Bobolink and figure out the perfect foundation and lipstick for her pale red bones. She'll be the sexiest officer this side of Subcon."

"I will never be able to erase that mental image," Laki said. "Next subject please."

Too late. Deyn unzipped the compartment designated for such supplies and showed her makeup kit to Mai.

"Really? You're leaving us guys out over here," Laki said.

"Ask them for tips on passing your econ class next semester," Mai told him.

"We could probably teach intro to micro," Thriff said thoughtfully.

"You're writing the textbook," Plenn said.

"Aye, if you build me a power plant and send me a computer. No way would I do that with old-fashioned pencil and paper."

"How do we keep getting into the strangest conversation topics?" Laki wondered.

"That's what we do here in the Toad club, fella!" Plenn joked, throwing an arm over Laki's shoulder. "Welcome!"

"…Huh. I'm the only non-Toad in this little circle, aren't I?" Laki realized.

"You're one of us now!" Thriff said, draping an arm over Laki's other shoulder. "Don't worry, we're bundles of fun!"

"Joy."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.5: "The Ninji Theater Troupe"**

During dinner, the cast was treated to a special performance by the Village of the Ninjis' very own NEStars, a popular Subcon sensation known for blending incredible feats of agility with daring storylines and distinctive artistry. For local flavor, several members had featured in demonstrating the Twin Rivers crossing earlier in the day.

The show consisted of several vignettes themed around the seven worlds of Subcon. Save for handheld musical instruments, the entire performance was done without physical props. It was easily a hit among the racers, who appreciated some culturally infused entertainment after a stressful first day. Former musical actors Eve and Podley whispered to each other about the technical elements, details that only they really understood. Some racers even took notes, anticipating that the performance would come into play in the future.

Swindell's captivation was _different_. It was the first time he'd seen anything like this, and he was mesmerized. Initially he'd watched with resigned indifference, but by the end of the first act he was the loudest audience member. Something in the show resonated strongly with him. Sensing this, a nearby cameraman pulled him aside shortly after it ended, insisting he share some of his thoughts.

"Wow. Uh. How do I put this?"

Swindell rubbed his head sheepishly. Both he and the cameraman could tell he radiated the _look_ of someone bursting with things to say, but Swindell couldn't seem to articulate any of them at the moment.

"That entire thing was beyond cool. I can't even... Those guys, those Ninjis are really talented. They can jump really high, but they can sing and act and dance and play guitar too. Here I thought I was such a hotshot. I can only do the jumping part, and not even as good as they can."

He nodded to himself a few times. This tangent helped access what he wanted to convey.

"I think, watching the Ninjis perform… I saw a glimpse of me. What could've been, under different circumstances."

Swindell strolled along a dirt path, gaze often fixating on sights beyond the forest canopy. Multiple moons dotted the starry sky.

"Something like that. Me in another universe. Not exactly like them, though. I'm not the artsy type. At least, I don't think I am. I haven't had much exposure to that kind of stuff. Or to anything else."

Slightly flustered, he stopped talking for a moment and composed himself. This was relatively new territory. Dreams, feelings, and hypotheticals had no place in the world he'd known until only recently. A world of thievery and deception, where every day was a struggle for survival.

"Um… I don't think I was dealt the greatest of hands in life. Waking up every morning thinking about what ruthless ploy you'll use to get your next meal… That's so familiar to me and it's been second nature as far back as I can remember, but…that's not normal. Right? It shouldn't be."

Frustration tainted his forced, self-deprecating grin.

"I'm not trying to make myself sound like some charity case. I don't want any pity. But I think it's kind of a miracle that Arfur and I scrounged the money to get on the _Race_. And it's another that we were cast. We're two ordinary guys doing our thing to get by. Being a thief wasn't special, it was necessity. Y'know? But those guys, the Ninjis. They had something special. This veneer, the polish of people who've worked really hard to become successful."

Swindell was a naturally fast walker. A man of action, of movement. Speed had saved his behind in many a tight spot. At the moment, however, his pace was unnaturally slow. His hands were shoved inside his jacket pockets.

"I've worked hard all my life too. More for survival than anything else, though. The circumstances were probably different, so the results are really different too."

His expression relaxed slightly.

"But that's changing. Arfur and I have been setting things up, and… I think I'm on the verge of being promoted from some bum to a functioning member of society. And I'd like that, I really would. It'd be great to actually feel like I'm doing something good with my life. Like those Ninjis. Heh. I bet they never expected their entertainment shtick to have this kind of effect on anyone. But this is what I got out of it."

In the NEStars, Swindell saw potential for his future. They were a reaffirmation of why he and Arfur had applied for the _Race_. With hard work, the former thieves were changing their lives for the better. The million would only help expedite the process.

Swindell lifted an eyebrow, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Did he really just bare his soul like that to a camera for millions to see?

"Was any of that good?"

The cameraman assured him it was. Swindell chuckled softly. He searched his surroundings for a moment, smiling faintly, before looking back to the camera.

"I'm really glad to be here."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.6: "Purehearted Eve"**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.7: "Team Twilight"**

"We already used our Express Pass," Dour revealed quietly.

Darkly's expression tensed. Podley bristled pensively, but remained quiet. Eve's mouth opened slightly in surprise. The four were alone in a dark, secluded part of the forest.

"At the Twin Bridges task," he clarified. "I apologize for the awkward timing, but I felt uncomfortable withholding this information."

Eve fiddled with the hem of her jacket. "Mayor, you aren't under any… You didn't have to tell us, you know. We understand that this is a game and that we are competitors."

"Given the nature of the game, this fact would have emerged eventually," Podley added. "We would have found out in due time."

"True, but there is a difference between hearing it through the grapevine and us directly informing you," Dour replied. As a politician, he understood the significance of the 'when' and 'how' in dispensing information. "I would like to propose an alliance between our teams. Your knowing that we no longer have our Express Pass would be pivotal to our planning."

"Oh, I see." Eve smiled warmly. "It would be an honor. I think it's a marvelous idea. Podley?"

Podley's face was unreadable. He was silent for a few seconds. "…Very well."

The quartet spent a few minutes establishing foundations, particularly the elasticity of their partnership and how they would share information. Their preexisting relationship had been accepted by the others, but a blatant alliance so early in the game would only place an unwanted target on their backs. Dour and Eve hammered out most of the details, with Podley providing occasional input. Darkly was mostly silent.

Once the group was satisfied with their progress, they headed back to the village at separate times to avoid suspicion. After Eve and Podley departed, Dour turned to his grandson.

"You're dissatisfied with this arrangement."

"…I've stopped in at Podley's Place a few times and thrown back a Chuckola Cola. He's okay," Darkly said. "From what I remember, Eve is okay too."

"It's not the parties involved, then?"

"It is. I'm not convinced casting our lot with the Golden Oldies is the best way to keep us both alive. They're nice people with great singing voices. That doesn't mean they're reliable allies. It's too early to tell what kind of racers they are. This is their first time seeing each other in years."

"Is our case then not similar?"

"We're blood. They're old flames. It's different."

"…I understand. These are valid concerns." Dour paused thoughtfully. "Collaboration has its merits. Harmonious constructive interference between two waves produces a greater net displacement than either individual. I did not become elected by mayor by my own independent action. The collective strengths of my team helped me achieve a feat I could not have done alone."

"I'm your partner. That's what I'm for."

"Not all teams have the benefit of a preexisting link to another. That between Eve and I is significant because we both survived the Piggifying Curse ordeal. I've known her for years. We would be wise to exploit this advantage."

Huffing, Darkly closed his glowing yellow eyes. He was motionless and nearly invisible in the darkness. "…Okay. We'll go with it. For now."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.1.8: "Wide Awake"**

"This is a novel experience indeed…" Drak mused. "If Subcon is the alleged 'land of dreams,' is this present reality considered a lucid dream…? It feels real… Our equipment, as well as our enemies have followed us to this dimension…"

"Go to sleep Drak," Crimson snapped.

"And what of those who engage in nocturnal slumber here…? Where do they go when they dream…?"

"Midnight is not an appropriate time to discuss metaphysics and the psychodynamics of dreams. Go to sleep."

"We do not requi—"

"Be silent! Recharge, recuperate! Recalculate the dimensions of your tibia! Just give me peace and solitude! We _do_ require energy to face the trials we shall encounter come morning."

Silence. Then:

"Good night, cousin dear…" said Drak.

"…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.1: "The Name Game"**

Tally and Deyn were sitting on their magic carpet en route to the Panser Farms route marker. They appreciated the passing scenery while conversing with their Pidgit driver and recording crew. Swob and Bobolink's taxi was visible a distance behind them.

"We finally met everyone last night," Deyn said to the camera. "It felt kinda strange because we'd been racing for half a leg already, but it was nice finally putting names to faces and just talking. We're both people people…er, people persons? Social butterflies!" She snapped her fingers and giggled. "We love making new friends. It adds a whole new layer to the experience. Out of everyone, we've really clicked with the 'Stache Bros., Excess Express, and the Bombshells."

Before Deyn could continue, the cameraman asked her to clarify who she was talking about.

"So we had nicknames for everyone based on appearances," Deyn explained. "There's that color-coding thing, but that's uncreative. The 'Stache Bros. are the Toad Brothers, Plenn and Thriff, 'cause they're rocking those mustaches."

"I believe Grubba called them 'City Slicker and Jungle Boy,' " Tally supplied. Deyn laughed.

"That's too funny. Okay. The Bombshells are Inngrid and Northa because they're Bob-ombs and really lovely women. And then there's Excess Express: Mai and Laki. There's a pretty hilarious story behind that one. When we were in sequester, every time we saw them, they'd be doing that chug-a-choo-choo train thing, y'know? We're from Poshley Heights. The main train we know is the Excess Express, so that's what we called them. We meet them, and it turns out they're totally obsessed with trains!"

"It's fitting. Laki said his life's dream is to ride the Excess Express," Tally added.

"I love them. They're too funny. Okay, who else… We recognized Bobolink because she's a famous fashion designer. Her winter Northern HemiSPHERE line was totally cute, by the way. We were calling Swob Daniel Boone because of the hat. At first we nicknamed them John Smith and Pocahontas, but it's not the right reference."

"Some are calling them Swobolink. Their names have great synergy. We even went one step further and made portmanteaus for everyone." Tally checked off the combinations on her fingers. "We're Deyly. There's Dourly, Pliff, Norgrid, Malaki, Ardell, Goompree, Golba, Eveley, and Mercet. Crak is a personal favorite. The odd one out is Garfuzzle."

"Dourly is great. Granddark also caught on with everyone. They both have a great ring to them. I don't know which one I like more." Deyn giggled.

Deyn then ran down the list of the remaining nicknames.

"Maybe we went a little overboard, but that's okay," she said. "The nicknames were a great icebreaker. It was fun seeing how our first impressions matched up against everyone. We like making our own fun and getting to know people, so what's not to love?"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.2: "A Whole New World"**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.3: "Control Freak"**

"Our foes are arriving… Crimson is taking far too long…"

Drak's arms were crossed. He stood, motionless, staring expectantly at the entrance to the pyramid.

"I trust Crimson's abilities…" he insisted. "I would not choose an incompetent teammate… But I am a front-line leader… Waiting here for the result of a mission I cannot observe is torture… I would perform all Roadblocks if I had my way… Anything she can do, I can do exponentially better…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.4: "Mat Chat 1"**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.5: "Mat Chat 2"**

"Seventh out of thirteen on Leg 1," Miles said, smiling and nodding approvingly. "Right smack-dab in the middle."

"We'll take it," Eve said. "Any spot on the callback list is better than none, this early."

"Yup. You're one of our older teams this season, and you've gotten off to a good start. Staying in the top half against a pretty competitive field."

"We're both very competitive people, even if we don't always show it," Podley responded. "Back in the day when we were acting, our underlying killer instinct brought us pretty close to our goals. We worked our bodies to the peaks of lithe physical perfection. I know our past selves could have easily held their own here. The Detour looked surprisingly physical on both sides, so it's heartening that we finished it up with the younger crowd. We've still got it."

"I'll say," Miles agreed. "Eve, how're you feeling right now?"

"Sweaty and sore, but overall quite content," Eve replied, smiling.

"Do you think your husband and kids will be proud watching you run your first leg of _The Amazing Race_?"

"I would hope so. This is a side of me they've never seen before. I'm always at home quietly performing my simple duties as a housewife. Cooking, cleaning, keeping our general affairs in order. I don't think they would've ever imagined me jumping from Creepy Steeple or hopping logs across a river. I don't think I would've ever imagined myself doing such wild things either. It's exhausting, but exhilarating."

"Podley, how about you?" Miles asked.

"My everyday patrons might be surprised," Podley replied. "I only shoot the breeze, serve drinks, and polish glasses in their presence. But the guys I go way back with will give me a difficult time for not going three for three with the Express Passes."

"What're friends for, right? It's easy for them to say that sitting on their comfy sofas at home. You and your buddy General White can attest that this is way harder than it looks, though."

"No doubt. Can't you see how much we're sweating?"

"I can. It's like you're melting. Go on and rest up. Good job today."

"Thank you," they both replied.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.2.6: "Mat Chat 3"**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.1: "Excess Express Pass"**

Laki and Mai, both in high spirits, were sitting inside an unspecified building somewhere in Guyshy for a post-leg interview. Stacks of hand-woven wool carpets filled the dim background.

"We came in first today and won an Express Pass and ten grand," Laki said.

"Yeah~, go us!" Mai cheered. She and Laki high-fived. "Most of that prize money's probably going toward school, though."

"Right. Student loans first, splurging later. That Excess Express ticket I want so bad is gonna have to wait."

Their hectic come-from-behind victory was the subject of several interview questions. Surprisingly, the college students readily attributed much of their win to outside factors.

"Honestly, our great taxis deserve a lot of credit for our success today," Laki replied.

"It's a neat system. Love it!" Mai said. "You're working with multiple drivers. A four-for-one deal. Someone's bound to know where you need to go. It's hard to get lost."

"We actually told our Beezos the exact stall we wanted, and one of them knew it and got us close. That really helped, because the bazaar was huge."

Of course, the last-minute interactions with the Toad Brothers also received major attention.

"We met up with Plenn and Thriff while we were searching for the pit stop," Laki recounted. "We'd asked our Beezos about the fountain too, but we didn't know how to get there from The Ol' Factory. Apparently the brothers had already found it, and Plenn was willing to tell us if we directed them to the shop." He paused and shot the camera a look to highlight the absurdity of the move. "I'm not ignorant, am I? I didn't get his motive then and I still don't now. Or even if he had one. They had nothing to gain and a whole lot to lose."

"It felt very spontaneous," Mai said. "I don't think there was a motive. Desperation makes people do odd things."

"This is going out on a limb here, but…I hope he doesn't try to guilt trip us into giving them the Express Pass."

"Is that even allowed?"

"I dunno. But we'd be fools to do it. Who would give up something so powerful? It's permission to skip an obstacle in the course. That's huge."

Speculations aside, their tone remained lighthearted and positive.

"It's a real confidence booster," Laki said. "We came into this saying we would win. Now we've got a little something backing it up!"

"There've been so many emotional moments on the _Race_ already!" Mai exclaimed. "Ahhhh… It's just so exciting, man! I can't wait to see what's coming up next!"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.2: "For Whom the Bell Tolls"**

Eve and Podley's post-leg interview took place in a room with few standout features. Eve's emotional soliloquy to the camera reverberated with quiet intensity.

"That start line challenge ripped open several old wounds and grounded salt into them," Eve said. "Perhaps I'm being too sensitive. I don't know. I feel justified, given what happened. I honestly could have done without Creepy Steeple and the paper pigs and that accursed bell. But it was the presence of that odious Doopliss that shoved me over the edge and brought all of the terrible memories rushing back.

"Is it wrong to harbor so much hatred for someone in my heart? I cannot forgive, especially after hearing that creature speak so flippantly of his actions. He had no right to do what he did. Thanks to Mario our village returned to normal, but many of us struggle to cope with the lifelong trauma. I still have nightmares of what could have transpired had Mario not persevered. Any mother can sympathize. My three little boys are my treasures, and I would do anything to keep them from harm.

"Sometimes I dream that they too are transformed into piglets. Without humanity or thought we do not recognize each other, and we live long, lonely existences ignorant to the special bonds we once shared. Other times I dream that the curse does not lift and that my children are left in a town devoid of adult presence, slowly starving away. The worst version always ends with them turning on their own piggified mother—"

Eve forced herself to stop there. She exhaled shakily and forced herself to calm down.

"I will never be able to completely forget those terrifying times, but…I am determined to live on without fear. Being involved with the _Race_ is a testament to the progress I've made."

"I agree with you there, one hundred percent," Podley said. Eve smiled at him.

Dour and Darkly's post-leg interview occurred in a shadowed storage room that contained adobe bricks, mortar, and other construction materials.

"Doopliss' reign of terror cost me much of my credibility and influence," Dour said resentfully. "Twilight Town suffered no physical damage, but the rebuilding after all that pig nonsense continues to this day. Many citizens are undergoing therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder. One couple's marriage was indirectly almost torn apart. Watching my family and friends turning into pigs, I had persistent insomnia and almost developed a hernia. I am thankful that you were not there." He directed that last part at Darkly.

"Yeah. Me too. Mario told me about it in passing," Darkly said. "I thought it was a ridiculous story he made up."

"It was a real-life horror story. One we are taking great care to prevent from happening again. Those were truly my bleakest hours, in all my long life. But the silver lining that I and everyone else have held onto is that life has gone on. Against all odds, I get to be here with my grandson on a race around the world. I am very thankful."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.3: "Drop It Like It's Hot"**

High stone walls enclosed Garf and Gus' post-leg interview spot.

"The trick behind the Roadblock reminds me of the time I lost the key to my house," Garf said.

"_Our_ house," Gus corrected, eyes narrowing. "What the hey, Garf? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?"

"…Oh. I haven't told you this story before?"

"No."

Garf thought a moment. "I remember why. You were still pissed about Mario. The guy who saved the world."

"It was a pass-through toll of ten coins! That cheap meathead beat me up and gave me a concussion over ten. Measly. Coins!"

"You weren't _that_ injured."

"It's the principle of the thing!"

"Right… Anyway, I posted my Trouble at the Center and our unlikely hero took it on. He found my key, probably near the badge shop, while I guarded the house. Then he brought it back to me. He's a pretty nice guy."

"How did the Roadblock remind you of _that_!?"

"I dropped my key in Rogueport. When I dropped my key in the pyramid, the floating mask thing stopped chasing me."

Gus' expression plainly said that that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard.

"You would've had to do the Roadblock to get it."

"How did you lose it!? I know we're dirt-poor, but you don't have holes in your pants yet!"

"It wasn't that big a deal. It's not like we own anything valuable."

"The Pianta Syndicate could've stormed on in and set us back even worse off than we were," Gus said pointedly. Garf was silent. "How long were you locked out?"

"...A day or so." At Gus' chastising look, Garf quickly added, "I was doing jobs the entire time until Mario gave me a hand."

"Seriously, bro…" Sighing, Gus shook his head. "You're a klutz, you know that?"

Garf playfully shoved Gus' shoulder. "You know you love me."

"Whatever."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.4: "Mystery Moms"**

The extensive post-leg interview process included some questions designed to capture a team's opinions on their competition. One team, despite (or possibly as a result of) not saying a single word to the rest over the course of the entire first leg, garnered the most discussion from the rest of the cast. _Everyone_ had an opinion on stay-at-home moms Flo and Maude.

"We've met all teams with the notable exception of one," Tally said. "Deyn and I call them the Rosies due to how they wear their bandanas. They haven't introduced themselves to anyone, so the teams call them by the names on their necklaces: Falconet and Merlin. They're fairly intimidating, in alias, appearance, and racing prowess. Rumor has it that they blew through yesterday's challenges and now have an Express Pass in their possession. We're mostly certain that they're the third all-female team this season, so it's excellent to see them representing well. Unfortunately, I predict they already also have a sizable target on their backs for the same reasons. Their strong performance and lack of social ties mean that few will hesitate to delay them if the chance presents itself."

"I reckon their smorgasbord o' luck'll run out pretty darn quick," Grubba said. "My boy, the Feral Nuclear Reactor, could fly circles around 'em and he ain't even got wings! While they're cannon fodder without the cannons, I'm the hat-wearin' ringmaster of this here _Race_!" Goldy stared at him dully.

"I think they benefited from tasks suited to their strengths this first leg," Swindell said, shrugging. "I could be wrong, what do I know. We'll see what happens."

"I sense zey are _les femmes_, but alas, I cannot appeal to zeir leetle chirpeeng 'earts and compliment zeir lovely eyes, like white beads scavenged from zee garage sale!" Dupree exclaimed. Like the rest, he was unaware of the Crows' personal lives, much less that both were married. "Zee language barrier is too great to overcome!"

"Zey make annoyink 'caw caw!' noise all ze time," Bobolink complained exasperatedly. "You vould zink zere is screenink of _Ze Birds_ in background!"

"Primary observations suggest that we may share similar grievances in physical challenges. However, we boast opposable thumbs and are therefore better-equipped," Crimson said. "They display curious amounts of sentience and purpose for unevolved creatures. We will continue analyzing their behavior. In any case, they too will bow down before us…"

"I haven't the slightest idea who they are," Eve admitted. "The Crows around Twilight Town all look and sound the same to me. I never paid attention to them in the past. That's changed now."

"Their names are Flo and Maude," Dour said matter-of-factly. Darkly looked at him in surprise. "I have connections. I know of all Twilight Town residents and passersby, at least in name. This includes the Crow population."

"You sound like a mob boss," Darkly joked.

"I also know that they speak and understand our language perfectly fine. They can probably scout information by feigning ignorance."

"…That's shady. Wish we had an advantage like that. Yeah. Should we expose their little secret to the light?"

"Uhhh… That would be starting a witch hunt without evidence. Unless we can provoke them into blowing their cover, it would be best to wait and see what develops. Dishonesty by an alternative tongue and misleading jewelry is not a heinous crime. If they begin dominating or sabotaging us, we can retaliate. For now we'll stay on constant guard."

"If you say so."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.5: "Birds of a Feather"**

"We've met so many nice locals over the past few days," Flo gushed. "The Subcon bird network has treated us very kindly. All the Tweeters have welcomed us with open wings and eagerly hopped to our aid. And then there was the Pidgit who brought us to the farm! He was such a sweet, delightful young juvenile."

"His parents must be so proud of him," Maude said. "He has impeccable manners."

"We spent several hours traveling with him, and he told us all about Subcon's history—its origins, the royal lineage, Wart's takeover, and the four heroes who stopped him."

"The poor dear repeatedly expressed how jealous he was that we have usable wings. None of the birds in these two worlds of Subcon can fly on their own."

"We also befriended all our darling Beezos even though we had much less time with them. Kinship through volation, perhaps."

"It's wonderful that we've gotten to interact so much with the locals. Flo and I are chatterboxes—we're called the Twilight Town's own Wilma and Betty. For our strategy's sake though, we're not communicating with the other teams. We're keeping ourselves a mystery. The outside interaction helps with the isolation a little bit."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.3.6: "Northa and Inngrid Say **_**Do Svidaniya**_**"**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.4.1: Elimination Station via Subcon**

[COMING SOON]

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**1.5.1: Northa & Inngrid's Interview with **_**The Real Mushroom Kingdom**_

Exclusive!: Northa and Inngrid Betrayed on 'The Amazing Race'  
With Dakus Carota

_Northa and Inngrid, owners and operators of two prominent Fahr Outpost businesses, were the first team eliminated from _The Amazing Race_. After losing time searching through an alternate dimension of an alternate dimension, the "business comrades" were further pushed back by two ploys by designer-model and pre-_Race _acquaintance Bobolink and narrowly lost a footrace to the finish. _

DAKUS: Yo! Yo! I'm here today with the first cast-offs from the newest season of _The Amazing Race_! I don't normally associate with last-place _losers_, but TV celebrities and pretty women are A-OK! Here are Northa and Inngrid! Two questions to start us off! How are you ladies feeling today, and if your terrible performance on the show was a play, which one would it be?

NORTHA: Um… Hello?

INNGRID: You are very strange man. Please make this fast.

DAKUS: I make no promises. How does it feel to know that you'll go down as the suckiest, lowest-ranked team in the history of the _Race_?

INNGRID: You look like strange carrot-thing. Did team pull you from ground during Plants Detour?

DAKUS: Heeey now, no discriminating! Let's have a civilized discussion like rational adults! So what happened there? You blew a thirty-minute lead. That's half an hour! I could reorganize my entire tie collection in that time!

INNGRID: …You like pushing buttons, _da_?

NORTHA: Poor Detour selection. We had long drought where we found nothing. Always thought, "Next place we check has one." It did not. It was random chance event where you win any time. We regret not choosing Plants. Hard work guaranteed finish. Even switching early would have been better.

DAKUS: The editing suggested you could've bent the dream in your favor like a lucid dreaming magician. Make Subspace have what you want. Why didn't you?

NORTHA: If it was possible, we were not aware. Clue did not say. It was dinner topic on first night. No one believed it much. Our minds focused on finding something unseen and remembering where we checked. We would not know how to do it.

DAKUS: I guess not. Else you could've just imagined a "Thwomp Smash!" and BAM! No more footrace to the mat! Was that more like a photo finish or being beaten by a hair?

NORTHA: Very close, _da_. Goom Goom beat me with one second. He is smaller than me. Navigated crowd faster.

DAKUS: I'll bet. Say, was that crowd around the pit stop engineered by production? They never seemed to budge, even with everyone screaming like banshees with a bad hair day.

NORTHA: We do not know. There were many packed like sardine can. No personal space. They could not move if they wanted to.

DAKUS: Speaking of Goom Goom and personal space. Inngrid, was there any tension between you and his teammate Dupree? Not _that_ kind. Or _was_ it?

INNGRID: I do not like talking about him. I want to forget. He appeared at inn one night and would not leave. Would not take hint. I needed to tidy up and get inn ready for next morning and sleep. He followed me like lit fuse spouting nonsense of burning passion and soulmates and countdowns to takeoff in bizarre accent and terrible cologne.

DAKUS: You sure remember a lot about this something you wanna forget.

INNGRID: It is traumatic memory! It was horrible.

NORTHA: _Da_.

INNGRID: I gave him kick into snow and could not leave inn for days because he stood outside like creeper! I prepared to explode on him if he dared torment Northa!

DAKUS: Scrappy one, aren't ya? Let's talk about the racer who arguably played the biggest role in your defeat! Inngrid, in your exit interview, you felt like Bobolink personally betrayed you. Were you seeing red, or blinded by white-hot rage?

INNGRID: Stop jerking my fuse with loaded questions, _da_?

NORTHA: I explain. Before Great Darkness, Fahr Outpost was closed community. We did not welcome foreigners. Fahr Outpost Bob-ombs only trusted Bob-ombs. Bobolink integrated into Fahr Outpost by dating Swob. We trusted her like friend. We believed her most, so we were vulnerable to trickery. She knew and exploited twice. It was enough.

DAKUS: Uh-huh. I get the misdirection in Shy Guy Bazaar, but why does the Roadblock count? It was just a door, so why couldn't two people get out with one key?

NORTHA: I was excited and forgot it did not work. Each racer needed own key to exit. Clue said so. That was my fault. I was glad to see someone and know I was not last.

INNGRID: Linka was shady. She waited on anyone to pass by to help escape. Men good victims, Northa even better.

NORTHA: She looked scared and lost when I found her. I wanted to help. It was misplaced. I did not suspect she used me until too late.

INNGRID: She knew what she was doing.

DAKUS: Is your relationship with her now more similar to burned bridges or shattered glass?

INNGRID: _Nyet_. We are on speaking terms. She designed Apology and Ice Princess clothing lines for us. We are wearing pieces right now.

NORTHA: They are cute, _da_?

DAKUS: Sure! As if I'd disagree with a couple of living bombs. Now that you've been eliminated, who are you rooting for to win, and what animals best represent them?

INNGRID: If Swob could win by himself, he would top list. Linka complicates things. They are double-backup pick.

NORTHA: Tally works in hospitality like Inngrid. Plenna and Thriff own shops like me. Deyn is saleswoman. All are nice people we like to win. We prefer fellow women.

DAKUS: Aha! I knew it! You two are lesbians! This is a way better story!

Inngrid calmly walked over to Dakus and exploded, covering him in a fine layer of soot.

INNGRID: _Nyet_. We want girl power to win _Race_ after men dominating past seasons. Obvious, _da_? Come Northa. We leave annoying cooked carrot now.

NORTHA: Best thing you ever cooked.

The Bob-omb Buddies left the studio. Dakus coughed and tried to wipe his square frame glasses on his tie, to no avail.

DAKUS: Thanks for joining me today… Ow…

_Dakus Vincent Carota is a veteran sports reporter who has covered numerous martial arts tournaments as well as the Glitz Pit fight scene since its inception. He applied for _The Amazing Race_ Seasons 3 and 4 with coworker Rook Flashmount and is not bitter for not being cast. Not at all. Nope._

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**Author's Notes**_: The remaining content will be updated ASAP. I want to keep myself on some semblance of a schedule, so maybe knowing that I've placed something incomplete on the Internet will give me some motivation. Full notes will be posted with the final update. I suck, I know, I know, haha.


	5. Episode 2, Part 1

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 2: "All Sunshine and Rainbows"  
Part 1 of 3**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_—!" Miles began._

Flash cuts played of all thirteen teams.

_"The new thirteen teams gathered at the Creepy Steeple, where they learned the game would have several twists."_

Blaise showed a yellow card and explained, "Up to the end of the _tenth_ leg, a team can exchange an Express Pass for their next clue before or during any challenge."

"There are not twelve, but _thirteen_ teams here. There are _nine_ elimination pit stops." Blaise cocked an eyebrow. "One pit stop might be double elimination. Or maybe one leg has an elimination checkpoint. It could happen anywhere at any time."

_"Plenn and Thriff, and Swob and Bobolink, were last to complete two particular tasks and were penalized with the new Hazard—"_

Quick shots played of Plenn and Thriff trudging up to the mat with a ruby-colored origami pig and Swob and Bobolink walking over to the departure board with their Ace Coin.

"Whenever you check into a pit stop, you will officially be checked in one spot lower than you arrived," Miles explained to them.

_"—while Dour and Darkly, Flo and Maude, and Laki and Mai excelled when it mattered, earning themselves Express Passes."_

"Congratulations Dour and Darkly, you've won the first Express Pass!" Miles handed it to Darkly.

"—you've won the second Express Pass!" Flo and Maude cheered.

"—you're team number _ONE_!" Miles exclaimed. Laki and Mai hugged each other and hopped around, shouting joyfully.

_"However, Dour's troubles on the second challenge of the _Race _forced his and Darkly's hand earlier than anticipated."_

A composite shot showed Dour landing in the rivers multiple times.

"We're using our Express Pass," Darkly confirmed.

_"Swob and Bobolink faltered all leg long—"_

A quick montage showed Bobolink stalling at Creepy Steeple and falling off a log bridge, Swob uprooting plants in a vase room, and the couple together running aimlessly during the Plants Detour and obtaining deodorant in Shy Guy Bazaar.

_"—but a couple of last-minute plays by Bobolink—"_

"Ve only need one key for door," Bobolink told Northa.

"It is zat vay!" Bobolink shouted.

_"—sent their pre-_Race _friends Northa and Inngrid home instead."_

Northa and Inngrid studiously ignored Bobolink as they bid farewell to everyone on the mat.

_"Twelve teams remain."_

Flash cuts played of the remaining twelve teams at various points in the first leg and ended with a shot of the Leg 1 pit stop.

_"Who will be eliminated next?"_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Establishing shots covered Subcon's transition from day to night. Even the densest crowds thinned out until only trickles of people sporadically crossed Guyshy's streets. There was no sunset—only a sudden change in the sky, as if someone had flipped a light switch.

"Guyshy is the largest and most populous city in either of Subcon's two deserts," Miles narrated. "Fractal geometry dominates the blended Islamic architecture that bridges Subcon to the Real World. And covering a large section of the south side is Shy Guy Bazaar. Marketplace by day and racetrack by night, it is now the start of the second leg in a _Race_ around the world!

"Laki and Mai, who arrived first at 2:58 PM will depart at 2:58 AM."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**LAKI & MAI: 1****st**** to Depart, 2:58 AM**

The train enthusiasts, both wearing their orange bandanas around their heads, presented their clue as if posing for a picture. Rotten vegetables littered HydraTion Fountain's bottom pool, and crude graffiti across the statue's chest required pixelization censoring. Laki illuminated the clue for Mai with a headlamp designed to look like a train's head end.

" 'Obtain a Magic Potion and Warp Pipe Capsule and make your way to Subcon Castle!' "

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Rapid shots navigated Shy Guy Bazaar's deserted streets to one of the few shops open at this late hour. It specialized in transportation wares. Blaise narrated over the scene.

"Teams must now locate this marked stall. Using a targeted Warp Zone in Subspace, they will then travel to the place Wart first laid under siege in his invasion: Subcon Castle."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: SUBCON CASTLE**

Daytime fly-by shots panned up and around a magnificent castle built from golden blocks and supported by clouds. Rapid shots through the interior flew past conveyor belts, silver chains, and doorways framed by red curtains. A short but regal mustachioed man stood commandingly in the throne room, several onesie pajama-wearing fairies hovering at attention behind him. His long blond locks and red robes billowed as he walked toward the camera and extended an envelope like a peace treaty.

"Inside, they will have the honor of meeting the king of Subcon himself, who will hand them their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"Ahhhh, we're going to a castle and meeting royalty!" Mai squealed. "I can't wait, let's go!"

_"I love all things romantic! I wear my heart upon my sleeves!" Mai also wore heart-shaped barrettes and hair glitter in her pre-show interview. "The train obsession fits right in because train-station platforms are soooo romantic! Don't believe me? I can give you a thousand reasons why!"_

They jogged through the bazaar, searching for the stall or someone who could direct them to it.

_"I'm not looking to fall in love on the _Race_. But if the right person comes along, well…"_

_"Not happening 'til after we win," Laki interjected. Mai giggled. "We have our priorities straight."_

"This place has a completely different vibe at night," Mai remarked. "I like it!"

**SWINDELL & ARFUR: 2****nd**** to Depart, 2:59 AM**

Swindell read the clue to Arfur and then whispered something else in his ear. They high-fived and pursued Laki and Mai.

_"Back at the start of my thieving days, I was my own most important person," Arfur said. "But I quickly learned you needed a balance between thinking about you and thinking about others too. Both to watch your back and so you don't feel so alone."_

_ "It's a tough dog-eat-dog world out there," Swindell said. "But you can never have too many friends…unless they're pickpocketing ya when you aren't looking."_

_"Lately we've been working together to get some businesses off the ground. We're not strangers to throwing our hats in together. This is the first time we have to set aside 'me' and think entirely about 'us,' though. The _Race _is the biggest thing we've ever done and we're each other's only lifeline, which is all kinds of scary and exciting. I've never placed all my trust in someone before."_

"Two lowly peasants, off to meet a king," Arfur said. "He better hope we can keep our inner klepto Robin Hoods in check."

**PLENN & THRIFF: 3****rd**** to Depart, 3:02 AM**

" 'You have 200 coins for this leg of the _Race_,' " Thriff concluded. Plenn efficiently counted and stashed their money with practiced hands.

_"When we first opened the Toad Bros. Bazaar, we ran the day-to-day operations together," Plenn said in a pre-show interview. "We were two fellas always on the same page. Had the same philosophies, routines, and ways of doing things. Our time apart, we've learned some new things, but I don't see it changing our dynamic much."_

_"It'll be old times on a global scale," Thriff added._

Thriff jogged slightly ahead of Plenn. They avoided looking at each other and spoke only in clipped sentences.

_"The Hazard feels like starting a wrestling match several points down," Thriff said in a post-leg interview. "At first we thought the solution was simple: aim for the top and take down the penalty for good. But it looks like we have to modify our thinking..."_

_"I get it, okay? I wasn't thinking clearly," Plenn said, annoyed. "In hindsight, telling Laki and Mai where the pit stop was didn't help us much. The Hazard affects arrival, not departure. I…kinda forgot the details in the heat of the moment. Anyhow, it's not a game-ending mistake to call a public hanging over."_

_"It was a nonrefundable transaction in which they clearly received the better end of the deal. The Hazard could end up sinking us. We needed that opportunity!"_

_"If those fellas didn't win it, Arfur and Swindell probably would have. I don't know about you, but I know who I prefer to hold the power. As you said, it's nonrefundable, so there's no changing it. Let's move on."_

**GARF & GUS: 4****th**** to Depart, 3:03 AM**

Gus blazed through the clue in a nearly unintelligible slur. Garf took it and reread it for himself as they chased the other set of brothers.

_"I'm guess I'm the tortoise, he's the hare," Garf said. "But I'm not the slow guy. I just do things at my own pace. Gus here jumps in headfirst like a madman and takes off. It's like he's doing a thousand things at one time. Even when he's standing still, like during his toll trolling."_

_ "It's not the whole 'slow and steady wins the race' thing either," Gus said. "I always cross the finish line first 'cause I'm doing all the dirty work. He's like the thunderstorm that rolls in, but I'm the lightning bolts that hit the ground everywhere."_

_"You don't do _all _the dirty work. But the thunderstorm comparison works. You _do _leave a big mess wherever you go."_

_"And _you're _always rumbling and gloomy when the boss gives us a job you don't like. So there!"_

**LAKI & MAI: Train Enthusiasts**

Laki and Mai found the marked stall on the opposite side of Shy Guy Bazaar as the pit start. Swindell and Arfur trailed them at a distance. The owner, a Cobrat, gave a Capsule and a Magic Potion to Laki.

"Is this a miniature vase?" Laki peered closer at the Capsule before handing it to Mai. "Guess it's like the ones in the cave."

Swindell and Arfur, upon arriving, were instructed to use the same transport set to save the Cobrat his wares. Mai activated the Warp Pipe Capsule, sprouting a tall beige vase. Laki then shattered the flask against the rim, causing a red door to appear on top of the vase. One-by-one, the four entered the door, commented on the creepiness of Subspace, and took the pipe to the castle in the clouds.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**SUBCON CASTLE**

The two teams dropped into a large room filled with glowing pedestal-mounted lamps and differently colored blocks. An orange and yellow machine with three funnel-shaped spouts commanded the center. The group followed _Race_ arrows into another tall chamber with stained glass windows and a towering stone archway that revealed the glittering night sky. Dressed in full royal garments at three in the morning, the king in all his super-short glory welcomed them with open arms. Flanking him was his commander, a tall mustachioed man with flaming orange hair, sunglasses, and a perfectly pressed blue suit. He mumbled a stream of updates into a walkie-talkie.

"Oh, Your Highness! It's an honor!" Mai curtsied and kneeled. Her fellow racers remained standing.

"Nice place you've got here," Swindell said as he glanced around appraisingly.

The king chuckled heartily and extended two envelopes.

**LAKI & MAI: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Mai opened the clue with reverence. " 'You are now being warped to Rainbow Dream.' Huh?"

" 'Once there, make your way on foot to Cloud Nine,' " Arfur read.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Eight Subcon fairies circled Blaise in the same room. He delivered his lines, unfazed by the growing whirlwind of sparkling fairy dust.

"The magical Subcon fairies will permit teams to hop dreams from one land of clouds to another."

Blaise vanished.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: RAINBOW DREAM**

Daytime shots whizzed over a sea of mellow orange clouds. Mellow pink-purple wallpaper-like skies with sinusoidal star imprints framed the dream. A colony of clouds, each with its own weather theme and matching color scheme, hovered in the middle of nowhere. Outside a fluffy white cloud castle, a haze of glitter heralded Blaise's arrival. He continued speaking in his monotonous voice as if nothing had happened.

"Rainbow Dream is 'a world where the dreams of skies come alive.' Teams will arrive at Cloud Chateau Airport—"

Speedy shots traveled down a path of light gray cobblestone to a cloud building reminiscent of an eighteenth century factory. Its smokestacks were extraordinarily wide.

"—and must make their way on foot to this place: Cloud Nine."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: CLOUD NINE**

Every single piece of equipment inside was pristine white. The camera panned across a banner hanging from the ceiling near the front entrance.

"Inside, teams will find a question that they must answer to access their next destination."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"We warp here only to warp somewhere else? Weird," Arfur said. The Subcon Fairies assembled and initiated their magical delivery.

"Nice meeting you!" Mai said to the king. He waved at them as they disappeared.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Subdued regal music played with establishing shots of nighttime Rainbow Dream, which showcased the twilight-tinted sky and miniature weather-themed towns floating on clouds. Even in the dimmer lighting, the pollution-free air allowed for immaculate, striking color definition. Unexplained rainbows periodically flashed across the sky like shooting stars.

**CLOUD CHATEAU AIRPORT**

The two lead teams appeared in front of the castle-like airport and took in their surroundings.

"It's so clean here," Swindell observed. "Step up from dirty Rogueport, that's for sure."

Mai incoherently spazzed out about how beautiful and romantic everything looked. Laki sighed.

After some searching, the foursome found Cloud Nine. Its not-so-heavenly gates were held shut by an intricate star-shaped lock. Laki referenced the gold-plated Hours of Operation sign.

"Opens at eight," Laki said. "Drat. Lost our lead already."

They started a line and unrolled their sleeping bags to get a few hours of shuteye.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**DRAK & CRIMSON: 5****th**** to Depart, 3:14 AM**

" 'Meet the king of Subcon to receive your next clue…' " Drak cocked his head to one side and scoffed. "Is this introduction meant to be some momentous occasion…?"

"Possibly," Crimson said with equal derision.

_"Have we truly been dead for over a millennium? It is a disturbing thought," Crimson said. "We remember little of our past lives… Whether that is due to the passage of time or magical interference with our memories, we do not know."_

_"The nature of our past relationship is unknown and inconsequential…" Drak said. "Our interactions during our service to her highness were infrequent, impersonal, and succinct…"_

_ "This distant work history will not be detrimental to our performance. We met face-to-face for the first time shortly before embarking on this mission, but our similarities have melded us into the ultimate unit. Our formidability is unrivaled."_

_"It shall be a testament to our superiority as individuals and as Shadow Army representatives when we emerge victorious…"_

**TALLY & DEYN: 6****th**** to Depart, 3:20 AM**

Tally cleanly opened the clue along its perforated strip and read the Route Info to Deyn.

_"Many people hold a preconceived notion about those from Poshley Heights," Tally said. "Contrary to popular belief, not all of us are millionaires, celebrities, or movie stars. Some of us are ordinary people, simply fortunate enough to live and work among society's richest. It's admittedly a pleasant lifestyle, but it hasn't consumed us."_

_ "If you think we're just a couple of snooty rich girls, we wanna change your mind," Deyn said. "Neither of us is even originally from Poshley Heights. At our roots we're just a couple of hardworking, fun-loving girls. We're not afraid to get our hands dirty. Bring it on!"_

_ "Mmm. On a related note, we always carry hand sanitizer. Good hygiene is essential for interpersonal interactions."_

_"Oh yeah! You should see the big dispenser in her backpack. It'll last us the _Race _and then some!"_

**EVE & PODLEY: 7****th**** to Depart, 3:34 AM**

Podley read the clue to Eve in a crisp voice. They smiled at each other and headed out.

_"We are on the _Race _with her husband's blessings," Podley said. He was alone in this interview. "I have no intention to be a home-wrecker. My past actions caused Eve much pain. To do something else now that she has a family, well. There's a special place reserved for such people. And I have no desire to visit. Thankfully time has dampened my feelings, extinguished the flames so to speak." Lies. "We shared something wonderful before, but now I can only view her as nothing more than an old friend. In another life, maybe I wasn't such a coward and things turned out differently. But right here, right now, I'll take what I've got and cherish this experience, lay my regrets to rest, and move on."_

** FLO & MAUDE: 8****th**** to Depart, 3:38 AM**

Maude read the clue aloud in subtitled Caw-speak. Their eyes sparkled as Flo quickly counted the shiny gold coins.

_"We love our handsome husbands forever for looking after the nests while we're away!" Flo exclaimed. "Love you!"_

_"Our families mean everything to us," Maude said. "So much so that we're willing to part with them to globetrot for a month. That sounds a little off, doesn't it?"_

_ "Kind of. Anyway, we have several hatchlings between us. Ronnie, my oldest, is currently scraping by in college." Flo stopped herself from unnecessary namedropping. "They're all hitting those ages where it's all spend, spend, spend! Though I guess that's all the time. New school supplies. New wing accessories. New video games. All that food that we can't catch for ourselves. Raising a family is so expensive!"_

_"Our husbands do so much and have worked so very hard. This is our chance to contribute financially. And if all goes well, it will be a very substantial contribution indeed!"_

**GRUBBA & GOLDY: 9****th**** to Depart, 3:54 AM**

Grubba announced the Route Info with incredible gusto, disturbing babies a block away. Goldy ordered him to quiet down, but she was ignored.

_"I landed myself in hotter water 'n a volcanic geyser with the Glitz Pit fiasco a couple o' years back," Grubba said. "Huh? What's that, now? No, I ain't givin' the abridged version! If them folks out there in TV land've been livin' under a rock, let 'em read the news or play the game! Why the hey would I wanna relive that?!"_

"Yeowch!" Goldy glared back at Grubba. "Take off your sunglasses, blind guy! I'm not a soccer ball, you dumb dummy! Don't kick me!"

_"We all make mistakes. I just make fewer 'n most people!" Grubba continued. "And the one I was caught with just so happened ta be a biggie. My self-indulgent lapse o' judgment fer the year! I ain't a bad guy, I swear. I'll win you over yet, you wait and see! When I come waltzin' across that finish line and accept my million-coin check, y'all will be cheerin' my name like the day I won my first world championship fight, way back when!"_

_ "_Your _million-coin check?" Goldy repeated._

_"Yep! My million-coin check!"_

_"What about me?"_

_ "Whaddya mean? What 'bout you?"_

_"MEORK!"_

**SWOB & BOBOLINK: 10****th**** to Depart, 4:09 AM**

Bobolink read the clue to Swob. She sashayed a few paces for the camera, showcasing her fabulous desert-inspired ensemble for the day, and then burst into a jog away from the pit start, Swob flanking her.

_"I met Swob on promotional tour of vinter line: Blizzard Bombshell," Bobolink explained. "Managers not realize Fahr Outpost is lackink in female segment. Ve pulled out backup men's line from past spring. Swob vas most enthusiastic in audience. About clothink or me, I am unsure."_

_ "Both! _Da_, I was excited to see both, SHA-POOF!" Swob exclaimed. "Spent last paycheck on several items and had to delay rent payments, SHA-WHOOM!"_

_ "He chased me down and vined and dined me zat night. Food vas low quality. Conversation vas…interestink. Ranked in bottom five vorst first dates."_

_ "Ouch, explosion to heart, SHA-WHAM! It was our best restaurant!"_

_ "I have told him zis. He is not surprised." Bobolink turned and looked at Swob, expression softening slightly. "He did not keep me after zat, but I still scheduled more stops in his town. Someone vas pullink me back."_

Bobolink complained about her duffel bag bouncing against her side as she ran. Swob seemed lost in his thoughts and only occasionally responded with his typical quirky remarks.

_"I feel guilt," Swob said. He was alone in this post-Leg 1 interview. "Northa and Inngrid are my good friends. _Da_, they were potential allies, should not have gone home, SHA-WHAM! I am uncomfortable with what Linka did, but she was only looking out for our fuses, SHA-PHOOEY! Now it's just us against the world! Or around it. I know we can do it, SHA-POP!"_

**DOUR & DARKLY: 11****th**** to Depart, 4:10 AM**

Darkly ripped open the clue and read to Dour. They set off at a decent pace, Darkly carrying their baggage.

_"I didn't move to Rogueport just because it's dim and dank and a nice place to live. I ran away from home," Darkly said. "It was…typical teenage angst. Yeah. …Those were dark times. It was a scary dark mess that I don't care to remember. I've…patched up with the fam a little. But things aren't the same."_

_"We didn't agree with his decisions at the time, but there's no denying that a mature young man emerged after the eclipse passed," Dour said._

_"Living on the streets was a wakeup call to real life. I learned a lot about myself. I do have regrets. But I wouldn't change what I did."_

**DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Last to Depart, 4:11 AM**

"Man, it's early. Or late." Goom Goom yawned. "Where's an espresso machine when you need one?"

With a sunny smile and a chipper demeanor, Dupree read the clue, counted the money, and guided his partner after Dour and Darkly. Or rather, after Bobolink.

_"_Zee Amazing Race_ was not my first choice of realeety show," Dupree said. "I 'ave already traveled zee world! But zee _Mushroom Keengdom Bachelor _and_ Bachelorette _serees rejected _moi_!"_

_"Ditto all that 'cept for the world traveler part," Goom Goom said. "Single life's been fun, but I'm ready to shake things up and hop back into the dating scene. For real this time. I need a gal to keep me company, my wild side in check, my schedule balanced, y'know? I'm so lost and incomplete these days. It's not even funny."_

_ "_Oui_, eet eez like a black hole een zee chest!" _

_ "But traveling the world sounds like fun, so it's not all bad. We'll get to see some sweet and exotic scenery, if you know what I mean."_

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

All teams eventually caught up at the entrance to Cloud Nine. Everyone honored the line and settled down in order of arrival.

"It's great that we've caught up. It stinks that we can't keep moving right now," Darkly remarked to the camera. He and Dour had set up camp in the rear. "If every leg took place at night, our chances would improve a lot. Yeah. Being in the sun is draining."

**7:55 AM**

Come morning, the line had collapsed into a huddled mass against the gates.

_"The word's out on our victory," Laki said. "We talked to some people and the pulse at the moment is kinda surprising and kinda not. Either way, we really like what we're hearing!"_

_ "Everyone's looking at us as the kids who got lucky. They're more worried about all the alpha-male types," Mai elaborated. "They've done well in past seasons and there are several teams here that fit the mold. It's great for us! We have an Express Pass and we still get to fly under-the-radar and dominate in a non-dominant fashion. I love it!"_

_"We're a little concerned too, of course. The other Rogueport teams are really strong. But we'll cross those tracks when we come to them."_

At 8:00 AM, a Wind Duppy—a coalescence of living wind—suddenly formed around the lock and spirited it away. The gates slowly swung back, admitting the twelve teams. They stampeded through the grounds and into the main building. The frontrunners stopped abruptly upon seeing the banner hanging overhead, resulting in some minor collisions and unfocused shouting. Many faces contorted in bewilderment at the banner's text:

CLOUD NINE PRODUCES CLOUDS.  
WHAT FACILITY PRODUCES SNOWFLAKES?

Podley groomed his mustache thoughtfully. "It appears this dream throws scientific principles to the wind."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Daytime shots showed Cloud Nine in full operation. Nebulous cottony cloud puffs burst from the smokestacks and floated toward different targets around the dream.

"Cloud Nine is the cloud production facility that sustains the very fabric of Rainbow Dream," Blaise narrated. "Its sister facility on Snowy Cloud, Unique and Special, churns out snowflakes that are anything but."

Quick shots maneuvered through Cloud Nine to a series of machines marked with Unique and Special's logo.

"Teams can use a cloud produced specifically for the cloud support around Unique and Special to reach their next destination."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: UNIQUE AND SPECIAL**

Shots panned around and inside a giant igloo. Striped blue construction belts crisscrossed in a blizzard-like disarray. Situated at strategic points within the crystalline grid, snowmen mechanically flattened snowballs into doormat-sized snowflakes.

"Here, they will find their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"_Clouds_ make snowflakes!" Goldy said. "Even I know that! This dumb place makes no sense!" Beside her, Grubba mimicked several other racers and wrote the question down.

Teams scattered around the independently operating factory, but realized there were no employees around for them to ask. They raced back outside to find answers from the morning crowd.

"Foolish mortals…" Drak said. "Embarking on a wasteful search when the solution simply awaits our extrapolation…" He and Crimson jogged through the machinery, scanning the labels for anything snow-related.

**EVE & PODLEY: Formerly Dating**

As the teams dispersed in different directions around Cloud Nine, the allied Twilight Town duos made sure to stay within sight of each other, but at a distance, as if their proximity was mere coincidence. Podley periodically glanced over his shoulder to check on Dour and Darkly. No other teams had followed them.

"It feels like a deserted carnival," Eve remarked as they jogged. "This dream is so lovely and easy on the eyes. Why isn't it as populated as Subcon, I wonder?"

"You're right," Podley said. "That groundskeeper was the first being we've seen this morning. Think we're overlooking something important?"

Eve consulted the Route Info. "I see nothing else in the clue, but I wouldn't be surprised if we're not getting the full story."

**GARF & GUS: Robbo Bodyguard Twins**

"It's like a super-happy rainbow ghost town," Gus said. "How the heck are we supposed to get info when there's nobody around?"

In the background, Grubba shouted, "Get yer face on the big screen! Help out a TV celeb!" and cycled through variants thereof. Goldy's screechy, squeaky voice repeated something similar, but she was easily drowned out by her partner.

"They're prob'ly scaring everyone away," Garf said. "We need to get away from them."

**TALLY & DEYN: College Roommates**

"Excuse us!" Deyn called out. "Would you be willing to help us answer a riddle?"

The pink team managed to locate and enlist the help of a local Fwoosh. They dealt with his gusty speech long enough to extract the information they needed.

"Unique and Special," Deyn recited. "Got it. Thank you!"

"We greatly appreciate your assistance, sir," Tally said.

**PLENN & THRIFF: Store Owner Brothers**

The green team was talking to a Capsule Dispenser, a sentient giant round orange gumball machine-like creature with bolts for eyes and a mustache-like crankshaft.

"I'll give you a capsule," it declared dopily, waving its lever arms up and down. "I wonder what it will be?"

"We don't need a capsule, fella," Plenn repeated. "Been there, done that already today."

"He's not listening," Thriff said. "Looks like an automaton. We won't be getting any help here."

They ran off as a capsule popped out of the Capsule Dispenser's mouth. Closer inspection revealed the words "Unique and Special" on the paper slip inside.

**FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

Flo crowed quietly, "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Have they found it yet?)" Maude shook her head.

Sitting quietly in a corner, the violet team divided its attention between the front doors and the sounds of Drak and Crimson's activities. The officers leapt onto several clouds bound for places with snow- or cold-sounding names, only to crash to the floor when the clouds unexpectedly vaporized.

"There must be another way," Crimson said as she and Drak recollected their bones for the fourth time.

She tried circumventing the rejection mechanism by testing the weight of one boot against a cloud from another machine. Nothing happened. She stepped on with both feet and promptly fell through.

"This nonsense draws my ire," Crimson hissed.

"Patience is key…" Drak said. "Our strategic positioning for this obstacle shall grant us the lead no matter what…"

Tally and Deyn reentered the factory. Unaware that others had remained inside, they spoke openly of their destination without lowering their voices. Both teams easily overheard.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Unique and Special? Oh, I remember seeing that name! Hard to forget when everything else has a weather or cloud term in it. Follow me!)" Flo said quietly.

Flo and Maude reached the correct system of machines first without being seen by the other teams and hopped onto one of its clouds. Without complaint, the cloud drifted upward through a smokestack and made a slow beeline for a wintery little town in the distance.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: This dream is so pretty from up high!)" Flo said appreciatively.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: We're certainly getting our share of air travel, even without our wings!)" Maude added.

Drak and Crimson hopped onto a cloud bound for Unique and Special, convinced they were in the lead. A minute later, Tally and Deyn found the correct contraptions and did likewise.

"I heard voices and footsteps besides our own," Tally said. Deyn nodded in recognition. "I believe at least one other team may have taken advantage of us."

"Smart play," Deyn said. "Sneaky, too. They won't get away with that again."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Excerpts from Vivaldi's _The Four Seasons_' "L'invierno" spliced with Tchaikovsky's _Waltz of the Snowflakes_ accompanied establishing shots of snow-covered pine trees, perfectly circular frozen pond platforms, and deliberately shaped ice sculptures. Outside Unique and Special sat the next clue box, which had a big yellow diamond sign on it.

**SNOWY CLOUD**

**FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Flo and Maude's cloud descended a short distance away from the snowflake factory. It evaporated at the edges until the stay-at-home moms' talons gently made contact with the ground. A small cloud puff hovered around each of the Crows' heads like a magical will-o'-the-wisp, though neither immediately noticed.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Talk about climate control. This place looks cold, but it doesn't feel cold at all.)" Maude remarked, shuffling her feet. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: It's like a quaint winter wonderland! Just add snow.)"

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: What is that?)" Flo asked worriedly, spotting the route marker. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Oh no. Is that…?)"

They plodded closer.

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: An Intersection.)" Maude confirmed grimly.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Blaise walked up to the route marker and explained, "Teams have now reached an Intersection. Each team must mutually agree to join forces with another team and then perform all tasks and make all decisions together until further notice."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Flo listened in distress as Maude read the Intersection description.

_"Yes. We were already aware of the Intersection's existence," Maude said. "It's never been used in past seasons, but, um… It's out there, in other editions of the _Race_."_

_"It never really occurred to us that it could appear here," Flo said. "Especially as soon as Leg 2! It's much too early!"_

_"We're still trying to get a feel for the other teams. It's nothing like watching at home and having a bird's eye view of everything that's going on. I think that's one of the stranger adjustments we're making, going from fans to racers. We only see and hear what happens around us. While we're immersed in our situation, we're always constantly feeling like we're missing out on something important. We're only around maybe a couple of teams at a time, and even then we're more focused on ourselves instead of them."_

_"Let's not forget our little strategy here! One-Way Mirror needed the other teams thinking we're the next Smorg! We pretend we can't communicate, and then we use their information to quietly surge ahead. And when they look at us, they should think we're a non-threat that's not worth targeting!"_

_ "Dour's presence complicated things. I know he knows we're not what we're trying to make ourselves look like."_

_ "We planned to take care of him sooner rather than later." Flo paused. "Oh my goodness, that sounds so bad taken out of context."_

_ "We didn't have any contingency plans. That was our first mistake. Which, I guess shows how arrogant we were, thinking we could ride our strategy to the finals. It sounded so foolproof. That Intersection literally made us change our entire gameplan on the spot."_

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Oh no, oh no! People are coming, what do we do?)" Flo asked frantically. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Oh my goodness, this is such a disaster!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: Calm down, Flo, calm down. We're going to have to wing it.)" Maude said, guiding Flo to the side as another team approached. She looked at the camera. "_Caw caw caw caw!_ (_Subt_.: I know, I know. Pardon the pun.)"

**DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"We received no advance warning of a Yield…" Drak said with confusion as they ran up to the route marker. He grunted in understanding upon reading the yellow sign.

Crimson opened the clue. " 'You have reached an Intersection. You must choose one other team to partner with and work together with that team until further notice.' "

They glanced dismissively at the Crows, then at each other. They distanced themselves from Flo and Maude and waited for the next team.

_"How the birds reached the Intersection ahead of us was none of our concern," Crimson said._

_ "It was a concern…" Drak corrected._

_ Crimson glared at Drak. "We did not wish to…intersect with them regardless. Any other was more desirable due to the communication barrier. We preferred a physically oriented team to offset our lack of body strength relative to the rest of the cast. The birds, with their lack of opposable thumbs, could not offer us this balance."_

_"Our assessments pegged them as incompetent lower-level life forms… Their simple barbarian language had done nothing to convince us otherwise…"_

**TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

Tally and Deyn noted who had beaten them to the route marker. Deyn read about the Intersection aloud, prompting them to look expectantly at the gray team. Before Drak or Crimson could take the opening to propose a partnership, someone else beat them to it.

"Tally and Deyn, would you like to work with us?"

_"I think our options were ideal, even if the whole Intersection situation wasn't," Maude said. "Drak and Crimson are thinkers. They would've understood our reasoning behind our strategy the most out of anyone. That is, if we decided to enlighten them. Tally and Deyn are smart as well."_

_"They sure have more education than either of us," Flo said. "It came down to who we felt we could work with better, and to be honest… The bones creep me out. More than a little. Apart from being skeletons, they have those piercing glowing eyes that look through you instead of at you. Like they're staring straight at your soul. It feels so cold and calculating. Predatory, even."_

_"Tally and Deyn are genuinely pleasant ladies. Out of everyone, we would've been most comfortable opening up to them first."_

Drak, Crimson, Tally, and Deyn all stared at Maude in shock. She cocked her head to the side and smiled hopefully at the Toads.

"And it speaks!" Flo added with a nervous giggle, wings outstretched. "Uh…surprise?"

_"Poshley Heights welcomes travelers year-round," Tally said. "The variety is as rich as the people themselves. Whether coworker or guest, we pride ourselves on being able to work with anyone and prosper."_

The college roommates exchanged brief glances and then looked back to Flo and Maude, positively beaming.

_"It was nothing against Drak and Crimson, whom we had already built rapports with during Leg 1," Tally said. "We knew very little about Flo and Maude before that moment, but an Express Pass, even if not granted as an end-of-leg prize, is difficult to argue with as a measure of success. We felt comfortable joining forces despite the limited background information." _

_ "And of course, we're all for girl power," Deyn said. "There are five guy-guy teams here. We have to even the odds a little." _

"We'd love to," Tally confirmed.

"Nice to finally meet you two!" Deyn added.

"Same to you!" Flo chirped happily.

The four women huddled away from Drak and Crimson and opened the second part of the Route Info.

" 'Welcome to Snowy Cloud! Enter Unique and Special and imprint twenty snowflakes—' " Deyn and Maude read in unison.

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

Blaise ambled through Unique and Special's mess of conveyor belts.

"In the real world, each snowflake is different, a phenomenon caused by environmental conditions during crystal formation. That is not quite the case in Rainbow Dream, where snowflakes are mass-produced in a perfectly controlled factory. In this task, the intersected teams will rebel against this cookie cutter formula by adding some customizations."

**ROUTE INFO  
Imprint Snowflakes**

Fast forwarded shots showed the production process in hyperdrive. Robotic snowmen wearing scarves and cone-shaped winter bonnets pounded snow circles into hexagonal snowflakes. Conveyor belts converged, and masses of white traveled down to loading funnels.

"After obtaining twenty unique snowflake-shaped cookie cutter-like tools, intersected teams will enter the part of the plant reserved for quality control. Searching through the integrated snowflakes, they must agree on _one_ snowflake pattern to target and then individualize twenty of that snowflake with their tools. All twenty snowflakes must retain their structural integrity and enter the same cloud; new snow clouds are cycled through every two minutes. Once intersected teams complete this task, they will receive their next clue."

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

"I don't believe we've been properly introduced…" Tally began as the group raced into the igloo.

Drak and Crimson watched them go. They then turned and looked at each other, dumbfounded.

"What just transpired?" Crimson asked.

"Our initial profiles of one team have shattered…" Drak said. "Reevaluations are in order… Perhaps this shall be more interesting than we envisioned…"

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

**End of Part 1**

_~*TARPMTTYD*~_

_**Author's Notes**_ (September 1, 2013): And it's finally an update! About time. Bit on the short side though in terms of content. And unfortunately I'm back in college and having my daily dose of midlife crisis, so there's no guarantee I'll post again before the year 2050. Um, I'll certainly try!

Episode 2 is still appropriate get-to-know-the-teams territory, so instead of cutting straight to HOO, a pre-_Race_ blurb aired for everyone. This is among the format changes I'm implementing, inspired by one of my favorite _Race_ series, _The Amazing Final Fantasy Race_. (Hosted on The Goat Pen. Even if you're not well-versed in FF or Square Enix like me, I still encourage you to go read it. It's all kinds of amazing! -_Ba dum tsh_!-) I'm experimentally adding more "tell their stories" to "tell the _Race_" than is probably the norm. I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't explode in my face.

The king of Subcon's inclusion sprinkled a dash of _BS Super Mario USA_ into the _Super Mario Bros. 2_ sequences before the _Race_ hopped to Rainbow Dream (_Mario Party 5_). My canon now has a wonderful logic error because Season 3 visited a non-dream Future Dream. Haha. Turn a blind eye, please.

At the time of writing, the earliest I've heard of a televised Intersection has been Leg 4 (_TAR16_, _TAR:CR3_). More often than not, it has appeared much deeper in the game, after teams have been established to the viewers and some inter-team dynamics are in play. Implementing it this early hastens some developments, one of which is the fall of Flo/Maude's strategy. Their One-Way Mirror is something that would only be allowed in fanfiction, and only work under the right circumstances. Had it stayed, their dynamics with other teams would've developed in a very limited way; however, I always planned to strip them of their armor. Doing so now lets me dump Caw!speak. It should not be their defining trait, and it was kind of getting on my nerves, so…yay for executive meddling?

**DarkReconz**: Glad you can appreciate non-_Race_ segments for the same reason I do. Swindell's clip was something I really wanted to do the moment his team was a lock, so it's a relief that his piece stands out.  
I can speak for Tally/Deyn not using "dally" because of the word's definition, but the rest of your portmanteaus show that I clearly didn't think of everything, haha. Some of those are so obvious now, I just want to headdesk.  
Regular _TAR_ does not normally show arrival times, so I forget why I began showing them in the first place. In any case, withholding that information allows me to mold the pacing as an "editor." I feel like departure times are also more relevant because they factor in any off-screen adjustments and allow you to compare the prior leg's performances at the same time as teams talk about them. Good eye!

**Guest** (8/29/13): Thank you for the compliments! Mushroom Kingdom Amazing Race, or MKAR, was a twenty-team (later expanded to thirty) _TAR_fic I started before even the first story in this series. This was back in my middle school days, when bigger was better and I was churning out new _TAR_ ideas every other week. I carried a notebook that I wrote half of the first leg (Faire Square) in, and the style was very similar to Lemmy's Awesome Race, which also heavily influenced _TAR:PMTTYD1_. Although I had an MKAR itinerary and bootlist, this was a project doomed to failure from the start. Twenty to thirty teams is way too many, and obviously, I am a very slow writer. I think some planned destinations and tasks seeped into Seasons 1-3 of _TAR:PMTTYD_, so it's been an integral stepping stone along my journey, even if I'd like to pretend it never existed, haha.

Thank you for reading!


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